The day has come - the day I didn't manage to fit it all in - and I feel like crap. I made myself terribly busy at work today, catching up on loose ends and reaching out to people, starting new projects. I still managed to eat really well in anticipation of running 5 miles at home tonight on the treadmill - high protein, low fat, with a good balance of clean carbs all day through. I even bought a protein shake before work and kept it in the fridge to drink around 5pm for dinner.
I can't remember the last time I planned to do a big run at night. I was actually pretty excited not to be dashing off to a date, a class or a work event. Just time for me - guaranteed to be rewarding and knock me out for a good night's sleep. It felt like a treat! And after, I'd stretch and drink lots of water and take a hot shower... and sit around smelling all the flowers I have in my apartment right now, and write my blog... and oh, such sweet heaven!
But it wasn't meant to be. I ended up having to work late. I raced home by 9 pm, threw my clothes on and jetted to the gym with just an hour before they'd close. I was initially excited to see one of the four treadmills free; but when I hopped on, I saw there was a large sign across the dashboard that read, "Out of Service." I could feel everything inside me melt. It was the culmination of all the day's frustrations - work, personal, and now this. I wasn't going to have my peaceful hour.
I contemplated hopping on the elliptical but since I actually still have work to do tonight for the 4 meetings I have tomorrow, I figured maybe this was fate's way of gently taking care of me, at least professionally. Rescue never felt so unsatisfying! The last thing I want to do right now is open up the work laptop and stare at an Excel file; but that's exactly what I'm about to do.
When will I get my time? Well, I could try to squeeze the run in tomorrow morning but ugh, I'm still letting go of my fantasy that I was going to run tonight. Why am I so unhappy right at this moment? I feel insecure about my ability to keep advancing my running and keep all the other plates spinning. I feel like, it was one thing to run 2 miles a day, or 3 on a weekend. But 8 miles on a Sunday, 5 on a Tuesday, 21 in a week. It's just beyond my comprehension. I'm going to need to hire someone to do my laundry! My fridge has like one egg in it right now. I ate 2 rice cakes with marmalade for dinner tonight post-protein shake because I didn't want to eat pickles or chutney as a meal again!
I think I need to take a step back and breathe. I haven't meditated once since I started running in November. I used to meditate daily - not always a long sit - but a sit. Maybe that off duty treadmill was a sign. I am going to try to incorporate meditation back into my life again, for at least 15-20 minutes a day, and practice going "out of service" once in a while.
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