Day 151: New 5M PR (52:47/10:33 Pace)

I'm over the moon! I just ran a new 5 mile personal record that beats my best time by 1:05 per mile!!

I read something that said if you're able to speed up significantly at the end of a race, that means you didn't run at full capacity during the race. I always speed up at the end of my races and workouts, so when I took to the treadmill tonight, I told myself I was going to run faster all the way through - uncomfortably faster - and just tolerate it. I absolutely must work on my speed. Endurance - I've got. I'm sure if you put 26.2 miles in front of me tomorrow I'd manage. It just might take me a few days!

So, with speed on the brain, I decided to really test myself tonight. By the end of mile one I was bright red, but determined. By the end of mile two, I was completely dripping with sweat and still determined, but wondering how I would keep this up for three more. At 2.5 I had to start the mind games... Half way there! Who knows, this could be a PR! Good TV is coming... Let's play "Shake Ya Tail Feather" again! And I tried new skills like kicking my heels up more when I run, which I read helps you go faster. (Also hurts more if you haven't developed those muscles yet. In case you feel like trying it! Be forewarned!)

Blond bitchy lady at the gym, who is obviously training for something and doesn't play nice with the remote, arrived around mile four and I love to run farther than she does because I know it annoys her. I saw her glancing at my board. When a treadmill facing the other way opened up, she got off the one next to me and moved. I don't like her and clearly, the feeling is mutual.

Awesome Indian-American chick whose name is way too hard to remember showed up and we did the happy wave, which I'm sure made blond bitchy lady feel left out. Ha ha. Indian-American chick has run 3 miles, 3 times a week, for the past decade, but she said I've inspired her to change it up. Last weekend she ran 6 miles for the first time in her life and she felt amazing! Tonight she left after just one and we waved a big flamboyant "Bye!" again and I was happy to piss bitchy blond lady off yet another time in one night! Yeah!

By the start of mile 5 I was running on fumes, but determined not to stop. My breathing got very short. I was gasping by the last quarter mile and actually had to slow down by 2/10 of a mile, and then 4/10. I simply could not get enough air. And I was thrilled! That meant I'd done my job along the way, and worked to capacity. I grew from that run. Or at least I hope I did. I take advice from all over the place these days and I guess I'm just trusting this advice is right. Sounds logical - and it helped me achieve a new PR!

My PRs so far are:

15M - 12:48 (day 147)
10M - 12:10 (day 140)
5M - 10:33 (day 151) YAY!
4M - 10:55 (day 112)
3M - 10:16 (day 131)
1M - 9:40 (day 139)

Day 150: Force of Habit

I've always heard it takes about 30 days of repetition for something to become a habit. You can imagine how frustrated I was when I hit day 30 of training, back in December, and didn't quite feel the momentum kicking in.

So here I am now on day 150... finally realizing the dream of habituation. Looking back I just wish I hadn't had the expectation that it would have/should have come sooner. It made me feel like it wasn't going to come at all.

But it did come. It just took me a little longer. OK, five times longer! But now that my habit has manifested, I'm confident it will be here for a while. Hard won and longstanding. That's how I like my healthy habits.

Day 149: Three Point Plan

Four weeks from now I will be running my first Half Marathon. Never mind that I've already run more than 12.1 miles... A race is a whole different game. The energy of the day and the speed of the crowd changes the playing field.

I need to concentrate in the next four weeks on three things.

1) Keeping up my training according to the schedule, or close to it,
2) focusing on my confidence and determination, and
3) building and testing strategies for working with the added energy of a big race day.

So, from now on, I'm not going to casually drop into any of my runs. I'm going to fuel every time, set a firm goal every time, and eat and sleep as if the Half Marathon were tomorrow.

This is war - mind and body over road - and I'm going to put everything I have into make my first Half Marathon a really positive experience which, hopefully, I'll be able to run fast and recover from as well as I've recovered from running 15 miles. That would be my definition of major success!

Day 148: Open Casket

It's perplexing to me that I still feel completely fine after having run 15 miles yesterday. If I hadn't run it myself, I wouldn't believe it were true. Maybe my recovery was aided by having walked a lot last night? Or because I ate protein before, and got enough rest, didn't drink and fueled throughout? I just can't explain it.

Today I went out to support a friend who was running a race in the Park. The start was on the East Side and the minute I entered on the West Side, I felt compelled to break into a jog! Only one problem. I hadn't worn running clothes and I was carrying a pocketbook and wearing my 3/4 length down jacket! I'm sure I looked like a loon, but it felt so good to be moving fast. The only accessory I really missed was the jog bra! I ran with my arms folded over my chest, pocketbook dangling. (See: "looked like a loon.")

After the race I made time to get a pedicure, something I was pretty desperate for because while the rest of me was feeling dandy, my feet have become unrecognizable with callouses and blisters. I opted for the works, which I never do, and the poor Korean lady selected to do the job took to my stumps with every possible tool and potion. First there was the nail clipping and filing, then soaking, then the razor, which shaved off piles of skin. Next came the pumice, and sea salt, followed by liquid acid and a cello wrap, and finally... the blessed lotion. Everything burned - even the lotion by the time it was applied to my soft, red puppies.

I tried not to look down during the heat of the dirty work - instead using the time to call everybody back and catch up on all the magazines I'm too embarrassed to get a subscription to, but would really be quite happy to read morning to night. When it was all over, and the polish was on, the results were amazing. Kind of like how dead people look at an open casket funeral. Same basic shape you remember - but the coloring is off and they have a funny look about them that speaks of recent trauma.

I'm not sure my feet will ever look the way they did before I started all this, when strangers would compliment them in elevators, and men with a few too many drinks behind them would drop to their knees and give them an unsolicited lick (bad boy, Sonny!). But it's good to know I can still prop them up and put a bow on them if I have to. Might be a little like putting lipstick on a pig, but with Guchi Muchi Puchi, it's at least a pretty, pink lipstick.

Day 147: 15M in 3:12:03/12:48 Pace

Today I ran 15 miles... and I feel fine. That's the farthest I've ever run, and in fact the farthest I will run before the Half Marathon in April. From here on in, the distances get shorter. I don't question the experts... I just do. Gordon hasn't been wrong yet.

I think today's the day I'm going to accept and acknowledge the change. I'm now a runner. I'm addicted to running. I don't want a week without running. I want to keep going. I don't even care about the Marathon any more. I care about when my next run is going to be.

Not to say today wasn't without some challenges. You should know, I'm still a jackass at times. So, it was 48 degrees out today and I thought that meant I should wear a tank top and shorts. JACK-ASS. I get hot really easily when I'm running and there's nothing worse than roasting unnecessarily, and I hate tying things around my waist when I've already got this big hydration belt on.

So, basically, I wore the same outfit out today that I wore in the sweltering heat of Miami a few weeks ago! Everybody else in the Park was fully covered, probably 1/2 of the runners were wearing gloves and hats. I got plenty of stares from runners and just regular people walking through the Park... in their down parkas and fur hats!

I considered turning around before the end of the first mile and going home to get some layers; but I was afraid I'd feel the warmth of the apartment and not return outside - so I sucked it up. I told myself I'd warm up from the exertion, the sun was only going to get stronger, and anyway - being cold wasn't going to kill me, so I would just have to push through it. That worked for about 12.1 miles and then I decided to go inside and finish the last 2.9 on the treadmill in my building. Not only because I was so cold (it only warmed up to 51 degrees but still felt like freaking 30 to me) but because my skin was so chafed it was bleeding... When I hit the 12th mile, I just felt totally overwhelmed by the distance, the bleeding, and being grateful that I was in a lot better shape at 12 miles than I'd been two weeks ago when I went for 14. The Rihanna song "Disturbia" was on the iPod and provided the perfect emotional backdrop for the tears; I actually played it twice because I wasn't done crying yet!

So this is what happened with the bleeding. When you're that cold, the fatty parts of your body, which have more water, freeze. Lunch lady dangler arms and inner thighs were particularly vulnerable today because they had no protection. My running shorts were also really short, so with every step, my frozen thighs were brushing against each other... hyper exfoliating, until there wasn't any skin left to smooth down. When my inner thighs started bleeding - I figured that was probably the moment... Not to quit, but to roll with it and adjust. I didn't want it to get so bad I'd be scabby.

I ran to my building "off the clock" so the traffic wouldn't mess up my mileage and time, but I also didn't let myself cool down. Before going to the gym, I stopped at my apt and slathered on a thick layer of Body Glide between my legs and on my arms. I don't think the Body Glide did anything - I kept chafing anyway - but it felt good to be in the warm building at least so I'm glad I came in.

My overall time was much slower than I'd hoped for. I was going for a pace of 12:12, which was my 14 mile pace. And the funny thing is, I thought I was running pretty fast today! Maybe the cold kept me stiffer, so my stride was shorter? Anyway, I'll trade pace for recovery time any day, so I'm not upset. Also, the last few miles were very mechanical. Probably starting with mile 8, I began to be able to just "go" and not think so hard about remembering not to stop! That's sort of what happens for the first 8... if I don't pay attention, my body will stop. My only job is to keep reminding it - we are going now... Go!

After my run, I didn't do the ice bath - you can guess why! Instead I soaked briefly in hot water. I had about a cup of protein drink too, and some water. Then I was supposed to meet up with friends for a picnic in the Park - but it was too cold (! no kidding !) so we met up indoors instead. They ate and I watched; I couldn't eat for hours actually... typical of me after a long run. But later in the evening I went for a yummy Shake Shack burger and a beer, and walked about 80 city blocks with a friend. Perfect end to a perfect day.

Day 146: The Joy of Rest

I'm on a proper day of rest today and I really enjoyed it! Didn't try to get up early to run. Didn't jam anything in before the gym closed at 10PM. I ran 5M yesterday so I just "was" today... and my day of rest today felt well deserved.

Tomorrow I'm going to run 15 miles in the morning. I've been eating protein around the clock, allowing myself an extra Wasa cracker here and there, and have all my supplies ready for tomorrow's event - clean running clothes, gel packs, and electrolyte drinks. Tonight I drank an extra does of protein drink, with fresh strawberries and pineapple blended in, and a teaspoon of fish oil and two tablespoons of acidophilus. The only thing I don't have yet for tomorrow is ice for my tub; but the day's going to be cold tomorrow, and the water from my tap's actually quite cool, so I'm not sure I really need the ice.

In terms of strategy for getting through it, I'm planning to trick myself into believing I'm only doing a 5M run, three times. After each 5M accomplishment, I'll rest for a few minutes. We'll see if that makes it more palatable. I usually go one or three miles at a time but with 15 miles total... hard to keep enthusiasm up if all you can tell yourself after busting your butt for a mile is, "Yay! Only 93% more to go!"

Excited for the challenge tomorrow and hopeful that my recovery won't take quite as long as recovery from 14, when I couldn't walk right for days! Off to get a good night of rest now. Sweet dreams!

Day 145: New 5M PR (57:02/11:24 Pace)

The fastest I've ever run 5 miles before tonight was back on Jan 9th, Day 70, during a race. I did it then in 58:19, so I've gained over a minute, which is exciting! My new personal record (PR) for 5M is an 11:24 pace.

By the way, personal record (PR) and personal best (PB) mean the same thing and are used interchangeably by the media. I've been saying PB because it makes me think of peanut butter, which I like very much; but I'm told PR is preferred by people who care about these things. I'm thinking I'll use them both for a bit and maybe even make up my own abbreviation that won't offend anyone. What do you think about, WIGIA (wow I gunned it again), or maybe, BR (burned rubber)?

I don't know... I could get into renaming everything in the running world that has ever intimidated or confused me. I'd call my program, "Take Back the Track." And we'd make running the people's sport again! And by people, I don't mean the people at the front of the race. I mean the noble caboose!

Day 144: Fear of Fifteen

The longest run I'll do before the Half Marathon in April is this upcoming Sunday's 15 mile assignment. I wasn't so afraid of it until I struggled through 10 last weekend, and then watched the NYC Half and saw how fast everyone was going. Now I find my anxiety about 15 grows daily.

I saw a post on Facebook last night about how the Brooklyn Half Marathon was going to close its application process at midnight so I went and read about it. It's in May and the course looks so interesting - through Coney Island, etc. I decided to sign up for it! That way if I bomb (or "bonk!" as they say in running) on the Half I'm running in April, I'll have one month to keep training and hopefully improve my score at another Half. I feel like I need that because at the end of April, I'm going to be facing the 6 month, or half-way, mark in my training!!! It would be pretty easy to say that's enough and just quit then; so I want to guard against that but having another goal already set up to tackle.

Tonight I ran 4 miles. It was to have been 5-6 but I ended up needing to work late, so that shifted things and I had less time and enthusiasm, and ate too late. I had trouble just running at a normal pace so I did something different. I went between 3.5 mph and 8 mph. So, I'd race my little legs out for 1/10 of a mile, and then walk slowly for 1/10. I wore my heart rate monitor by Polar and watched my heart rate go from 66 resting, to 161 running, to 120 walking. Whenever my heart rate would drop below 110, I'd pick it up again.

I sweat like crazy. I wore my new "More" and "Fitness" Magazine Half Marathon shirt which I'd ordered when I signed up for the race months ago, but which only arrived last week. Funny, the shirts were supposed to run small so I ordered myself a large, but I'm swimming in it. Also, it's a long sleeved shirt that was meant for training in crisp weather... but it's already too hot out for it, and certainly it was too hot to wear it indoors tonight. What a waste of money! Oh well.

So, I'm going to try to psych myself up for Sunday's 15 miles. I'll buy a new bag of ice. I'll pick up sports drinks and gel packs. I'll make a new play list - maybe. And I'm going to try those affirmations, too. May I feel inspired. May I be motivated. May I run 15 miles with ease. May I get over this fear of 15!

Day 143: May I Be Athletic ...Ohmmmm

My new nutritionist Jaime hasn't been able to start helping me because I haven't sent my paperwork back. Amazing how I trip myself up. Simplest paperwork in the world and it's basically done. But I'm sitting on it.

Jaime said I need to work on repeating a mantra because I don't seem to understand that I'm an athlete. I'm supposed to say, "I AM AN ATHLETE. I AM A RUNNER," out loud. And gosh darn it, people like me?

I have used affirmations before in meditation and they work. But with meditation it's more about invoking something from the Universe, such as, "May I be well. May I have peace." These statements are really questions, but you state them and let the words flow through your body until they feel comfortable, and you accept them as part of your body. "May I be well," is an expectation of wellness, as much as it is a request. In meditation we call these phrases, "metta," which means "loving kindness" in Pali, an ancient language.

So with a running affirmation, I'm thinking maybe I should apply the same approach. Why spray it if you can say it. "I am an athlete," would then become, "May I be athletic," and "I am a runner," becomes, "May I be a good runner." Takes some of the responsibility off of my shoulders! The Universe needs to step up and do its part or I'm never going to get to the Marathon!

Day 142: 10% Black

I wear a lot of black. I mean - a lot. Probably 90% of my wardrobe, including undergarments, is black.

I wasn't always this way... But then, I once had a boss in the 1990s who wore one of five black suits every day and even though we made fun of her for this, something about it appealed to me. She probably spent 30 seconds dressing in the morning, whereas I could spend an hour stressed out, pondering combinations. She never accidentally paired blue pants with black shoes. There were only black pants in her closet.

She was always chic, stylish and could spill lunch platter food on herself all through a meeting and still have everyone focusing on her words. Wearing all black all the time seemed like a power move. You were always ready for an impromptu dinner date after work. Nobody could say you were looking for attention. And black's slimming. Over time, I simply stopped buying color and eventually got to where I am today.

The thing is, for some reason, I've started wanting to wear color. Maybe it's the fun running clothes I see in the stores... Running seems like a place where an almost 40 year old might be able to get away with an electric yellow hair ribbon, or a striped shirt. Or maybe I'm being kookaroo and people of all ages can wear color. I've thought passingly about making it a goal to reduce my wardrobe down to 10% black (outer and under garments included) by 2011. Kind of arbitrary of me I suppose but I like the idea of it.

Anyway, I was shopping this past weekend and my eye caught a blouse that was brown and cream animal print. I've never owned anything with an animal print on it before in my life! Not even for a Halloween costume!! I tried it on and objectively, it looked really great! I should wear color more often! I bought it and wore it to work today and was surprised to find myself beyond self conscious in meeting after meeting... I just didn't know who I was. I kind of liked it... but it was also weird. Maybe I did too much too quickly. Perhaps I should have started with a monochromatic.

So, I'm not sure if 10% is the right target to be hoping to reduce to by 2011; but I do know I'm looking forward to putting something comfortable on again tomorrow! Let me see now... Which of my 12 pairs of black pants should I pick to wear? To match perfectly with one of my 25 black short sleeved sweaters... Such decisions.

Oh and running? Didn't do any today. Day of rest. But I promise the next running gear I purchase will not be black.

Addendum:
Tuesday, March 23rd. Black pants, black T-shirt and a Burberry plaid belt. (PS Still having trouble wearing a belt! Very bizarre.) But anyway, this would technically count as color wouldn't it? It's mostly cream with black and red plaid lines... and a silver buckle. Baby steps.

Day 141: 3.5M in 39:34/11:38 Pace

I struggled a bit with my short run today. I'd wanted to go 4 miles but only managed 3.5. It was hot and while I was not really sore after yesterday's 10 M run, my energy was low. Also, I was up at 4:45 AM this morning so that I could volunteer to give out Gatorade at the 10 mile hydration station at today's NYC Half Marathon! You really do need sleep to be able to run... So sleep deprivation + heat + poor nutrition + maybe a little freaked out by the Half Marathon resulted in missing my target.

The Half Marathon was an incredible experience. I learned so much about the flow of the race, and what runners look like at different paces! The runner who knocks it out at 7 mph looks completely different from the one who does it at 11 mph. I don't just mean he looks less tired, or faster. As it turns out, body types correlate to running performance. I'm about to stereotype heavily so if this is turning you off, click on the little X above - now!

Here's what the Half Marathon looked like, with shockingly little deviation:

Head of the pack... medium build, lean men and women, with unusually narrow hips. Nobody very tall. Nobody very short. Nobody fat. Predominantly dark skinned men, and of the women - blond. Very little clothing. No sweat by mile 10. Did not take any Gatorade, water, or gel packs.

Next in line... lean, athletic men with broad hips and shoulders. On the taller side, but not very tall (5'10"-6'0"). Athletic clothing but not overly matchy-matchy, or with their name on their shirt. No sweat or a little sweat on the brow. Did not take any refreshments.

Third up... average build people who look like they probably have desk jobs (pale, eyes occupied by running strategy) but work out at the gym on a regular basis (average body fat with above average muscle mass). A range of outfits from Lululemon matchy-matchy, to names on shirts, charities on shirts, expensive sneakers. These people had good running manners - moving out of the way if they took a cup of water - staying to the left if not. Almost nobody said "thank you" for the drinks I handed them. (Which was OK - just noticed that.)

Fourth tier... lower performing average build people who looked like the above set, but who probably haven't been to the gym in a while... and had an inflated sense of their own ability when they signed up for the race - perhaps remembering fitter times! These people were dressed in the same way as the third group. but they took significantly more Gatorade. Sometimes two cups at a time. A lot of them didn't know how to successfully grab a cup and not simultaneously toss the entire yellow contents back in my face. (It was a long morning...)

Many of the fourth tier also made a point to say "thank you" when I handed them the juice - to the point where it actually felt awkward. I wanted to yell back, "Don't talk. Just keep going!" This group was also a little bit dangerous because they were stumbling around on the discarded cups around them. Some of them were too red (red like I get red!) and many were fully sweating through their clothes.

Then there was tier five. The short people. Short and fat people, short and fit people. All the short people. They hit mile 10 around 2 hours, which is about when I'd hit it. What a bummer! I'm not training to the sky's limit? You mean I'm training to my genetic capacity!? I really got bummed about this for a while and had to stop giving out Gatorade. Incidentally, 90% of old people ran with the short people. That at least was encouraging! All those racy bastards in the myriad "tall" groups would end up in my corrale anyway one day.

Finally, there were the very tall and overweight people - and there were lots of them. There was a guy from "The Biggest Loser" and his trainer, and a cameraman. But mostly these were just regular fat people and tall fat people who were running admirably fast but looked like they might have heart attacks and die at any moment. Sadly, we were told to pack up and throw all our remaining Gatorade down the city drain before all of the tall and fat people had come our way. The moving trucks were coming to take back our tables. Heartbreaking to have to tell a runner at mile 10 - sorry, you're too slow, you've missed the beverages! But, tarry on, good soldier!

There were so many funny and notable moments during the race. Like when a crazy homeless man decided to enter the race itself and try to spook people. That's not the funny part. The funny part is that a gaggle of at least 10 cops were standing RIGHT THERE eating donuts and chatting and missed the whole thing. We went over to "wake" them and they just looked annoyed that their pastry break had been interrupted.

Another not so funny thing that happened was that after we filled 28 tables up with three tiers of Gatorade and water, someone pointed out that there was a mysterious sediment floating in all the cups. This happened at 7:45 AM, 15 minutes before the first runners would be coming by! We called the head of the NYRR to come and examine the situation and he decided (what can ya do!) to just cross his fingers and hope for the best. We all were worried that someone was committing sabotage and trying to poison the runners! The floaters were weird! I have to say, that - coupled with watching one of the workers pick her nose with her gloved hand, and then plunge that same hand into the pitcher she was using to rinse it - makes me a little bit leery about taking fluid from one of these stations when I run my next race. But, what can ya do!

Day 140: 10M with Crocus (2:01:38/12:10 Pace)

Spring is here! I've only ever run outdoors in cold weather, except for that one time in Miami - which was hot as balls. But Spring has begun to blossom in NYC and there really could be no more glorious place to run on Earth. Central Park was positively humming with revelers today. The running path was jammed with runners, joggers, walkers, bikers, rollerbladers, people in wheelchairs, way too many horse carriages, and even some side-steppers. Is that a new thing? Side-stepping for miles? I saw a couple of weirdos doing it.

My training schedule called for me to do a 10M or 10K race this weekend but, because tomorrow is the NYC Half Marathon, which I'm volunteering at, there weren't any other races going on within a few hours drive of New York City. I told myself I'd just do a "mock" race, and build myself up with anxiety before running, to simulate the pressure of a real race day. Well that didn't happen! I was so overwhelmed by the beautiful sights along the way, I got lost in the purple and white crocus that hit my eye immediately upon entering at Columbus Circle.

I've always had a passion for crocus. I recently gave my mother of pot of them - they were forced in a hot house - but when the recent storms were making her blue, I figured they'd give her hope that spring was on its way. Crocus are just such a humble flower - resilient and bold, the first to pop their waxy heads out in spring, unafraid to be challenged by latent frosts that would linger. The crocus opens by day and closes by night, as if reserving energies for whatever the next day might bring. They really only hang around for a short while, and then are replaced unceremoniously by much bigger, more fragrant flowers which bloom from spring through summer, on the ground and hanging down from the branches of regal cherry, magnolia and dogwood trees. Nobody thinks of the crocus again after April, when Nature does her upgrade; but for me the crocus is always a welcome sign and the harbinger of visual and olfactory joys to come. Also, she's low on pollen so she doesn't make me sneeze.

My hope today was to beat my last 10M time, which was 2:06:20/12:38 pace. I ran the exact same path, to keep it fair. Full loop taking the break at 102nd Street, 2 x the reservoir and then 1 x the bridal path. In the back of my mind, I had the idea that doing it in under 2 hours would be dreamy... I didn't achieve my second goal but I did achieve my first. I finished in 2:01:38 which nets a pace of 12:10. That's of course :28 faster per mile, and over 4 minutes saved. I downed an espresso before I started, one bottle of sports drink in the first hour, then a gel pack, then another gel pack when I finished 7.5 miles, then the second sports drink over the second hour. Within 30 minutes of finishing I had 15 mg of protein in a shake, and stretched. I consumed 700 calories and the Nike+ told me I burned just over 1,000. That leaves room for cocktails tonight! Yippee!

I feel completely nonplussed. I was tired when I finished - oh yes! But I felt like I was cheating... like I hadn't really finished. Like, I was supposed to keep going for another few miles. Isn't that strange? I didn't WANT to keep running. I was thrilled to stop! Would have liked to have stopped after 5 miles. And then again after 8. I was really pathetic on the hills today, especially in the second half. But I guess I was running a little faster overall throughout so that doesn't look obvious from my overall time. I've got a neat-o farmer tan going on I think... Didn't bother with sunblock because I didn't expect it to be quite so sunny... and also didn't expect it to be quite so warm. Running in the morning is going to be essential as the days get hotter and hotter. No more mid-day gallops for this horse or they're going to start calling me "Red."

Day 139: New PB (1M in 9:40/9:40 Pace)

When I got up at 5AM this morning, I put my running gear on immediately. Good girl! I popped my head around the curtain though only to find it was still pitch black outside... not OK for running in the Park and my gym doesn't open until 6:30AM.

I didn't go back to bed; instead, I sat down at my desk and worked on editing a presentation I have to give later today. An hour and a half later, with the clarity that morning brings, I was stuck like glue to making revisions, polishing and practicing. I was torn. Keep working on work, or leave for the Park and get a quick run in. 5 miles wasn't an option any more - I'd be late for work. 3 would be a stretch. 1-2, more realistic.

I finished the page I was revising and looked at the clock again, nearly 7 AM! The thing is, this wasn't procrastination - for once. I felt a burning, itching, even "drive" if you will to get out there and run! I can only liken it to the look in a race horse's eyes when he's standing near the gate at the start of a race. He warmed up some time ago, he's saddled, now - what's the delay! Put me in the box and fire the gun already! (And please... forgive the analogy to a race horse! I know - I'm no race horse. Just call me Turtle.)

I decided to head down to the gym and just run one mile. One fast mile - aiming for 10 minutes. I could spare that without compromising anything and maybe that would give me my fix. I really didn't know what that would be like. I haven't run just one mile in months.

When I got to the gym, the usual suspects where there and they all attempted to make eye contact and start conversation. I just smiled with my ear buds in my ears (nothing playing, but they didn't know that) and directed my attention to the machine. One mile, as fast as I wanted. I started at 5.5 mph and quickly accelerated to 6 mph, and then faster.

My breathing wasn't labored. Nothing hurt terribly much. I didn't even start to sweat until 3/4 of a mile! I'm not saying it was easy, or I wasn't tired or wanting to stop - I was - but knowing I was just doing one mile propelled me. Actually, the mile seemed very long in a lot of ways because I never let my mind wander. I just kept looking at the mileage and thinking about what I was doing. That wasn't so fun. I noticed again how much I liked the form my body takes when it's running faster. I've mentioned this before. The arms swing. The legs go. I think I stand up straighter. I feel like I look like a runner and there's something in that, too.

The lovely thing about being a newbie is that every run basically gives you a new PB. Like I said, I haven't run "just" a mile in a very long time; so I'm officially recording my 1M PB as: 9:40. And, I love that number!

Day 138: Ain't No Sunshine

Today was just about the sunniest, most perfect pre-spring day... or so I hear. I wouldn't know because I was behind a closed door in a windowless room starting at about 7 AM. Needless to say, I didn't get to run - again. It's been 4 days. I'm dying. I feel the need to GO someplace!

Tonight I'm rotting in front of a computer screen watching focus groups remotely. It's going to be a late night because the actual groups are in another time zone. I think this might very well be the definition of burning the candle at both ends. Feels a little too familiar... Though, I have to say, there's an end in sight.

I have set my alarm for 5 AM tomorrow morning; and the coffee maker is rigged in concert. My outfit is laid out. (OK truth: it's in a ball that I'm actually sitting on right now - my favorite grey T-shirt with holes in it - will I ever give that thing up?) All I've got to do tomorrow is put the stuff on and haul out to the elevator and... I'll be back in my happy place. Well, not the running part - but the after the running part.

I can definitely feel a haze of malaise descending on me right and I need to go get me some road!

Day 137: The Pygmalian Effect

I took a seminar at work today called "Managing Multiple Projects, Objectives and Deadlines." It was a voluntary thing and I didn't expect to get a tremendous lot out of it but figured if I learned even one new idea, that would make it worthwhile.

The trainer for the seminar was bright and dramatic, as they often are, and this one in particular was a former pastor, so his vibrato at times held a kind of Bible Belt quality to it, especially as he personified the various "devils" in the workplace (e.g., nagging colleagues, unrealistic bosses, unmotivated direct reports). He was thoroughly charming and knew his stuff, so I didn't mind his style even though it was a bit foreign - something I've only seen on TV.

Then just before our lunch break, the trainer popped a religious quote up on the screen for us to react to. I've never in my entire life seen a religious quote referenced in business! It was,

"I have so much to do that I shall spend the first three hours in prayer." — Martin Luther

That one went straight to my heart. The more I have to do, the more vital it is that I get a run in! Running, I guess, has become my religion. It's what I need three hours of when I have so much to do...

The other thing I loved learning about today was the Pygmalion Effect, which I frequently employ with myself and others, but hadn't had a name for. It is the phenomenon in which the greater the expectation is placed on someone, the better they perform. So in my case, I know that if I'd told myself on November 1, 2009, that I was going to train to be able to run 5 miles by Jan 1, I'd have dropped off by December. Too easy. Why bother even trying if there's nothing to prove?

And so it is with offering up "the Marathon" as my carrot... It's only working as a carrot because it is such a great (maybe impossible) expectation, that it fully demands my attention and dedication. There is something to prove (understatement!) and that fires me up to act in a way that will let me prove it.

It's a lot of fun when you start to see lessons from one part of your life cross over and become applicable in another. I established it as a goal of running, from the beginning, that the discipline required to run would flow over into other parts of my life. I have to say, I'm still waiting for that to happen... That, and the day when running will "clear my mind!" Grateful though for the gifts I am receiving from this grand experiment... can I get a big Amen?

Day 136: "Natalie's Triumph"

“Natalie’s Triumph” is a story my cousin Tom Roston penned a few years ago for The New York Times. It’s a short piece about the day Tom took his daughter Natalie to a group preschool interview – what it was like for him to be the steward of his daughter’s well being – how that felt, and ultimately, how Natalie performed.

On the surface, a story about a father and a daughter seems like an unlikely place for me to find deep insight into myself with regard to running; but that’s the thing about great writing, it doesn’t rely on plot line to deliver life lessons. The power of great writing lives in its humanity. Tom writes with a lot of humanity.

The story took me into Tom’s world, a place full of planning, discipline and strategy – the modalities required for strong parenting. There was love and hopefulness too, but it was “managed” so that that hopefulness didn’t become smothering or controlling. Tom stayed mindful that the preschool audition was ultimately Natalie’s to win or lose, and that all he could really do was set her up for success, step back and let her do her thing.

Natalie was revealed as a character entirely through her actions, which is how one gets to know a child. She was challenged in moments during the story, but never beyond her capacity to cope and prevail. She kept me on the edge of my seat, worried; but objectively, I had no reason to worry. Natalie was always more than competent. How funny that I would worry? Isn’t it? Natalie never faltered and, in the end, she triumphed – and so in that did Tom triumph - though his story humbly overlooks that point.

This is the exact personification of how I’m succeeding at running. I’ve been aware that there were strong and separate mind/body components, but I’ve never been quite sure how to understand the “mechanics” of it. How do I prop myself up enough to get to the Park during a rain storm, and then... who is that other person running along and finishing 14 miles at a pace of 12:12? Do I know both of these people? Do they know each other?

As it turns out, they do know each other, and they depend on each other – like parent and child - but they don't necessarily understand each other, and they don't have to. The part of me that does the propping up is all the things Tom is to Natalie in the story; and the part of me that runs along oblivious to the potential pitfalls, well, that is the child in me who is apparently a lot more competent than I'd thought. Yes, the child sometimes requires some charming, but she rights herself pretty quickly when coaxed. I haven’t quit yet, have I?

The more I think about this metaphor the more amazed I am at how much sense it makes. It’s kind of exciting knowing what the roles are. It’s freeing. I was annoyed that my mind could think all of the body's work through, but the body could care less about my mind. I resented that for every hour of hard labor my body did, my mind was actually spending two hours preparing - reading articles, blogging, buying stupid sneakers! Mind was on overdrive and body just kept getting lucky and delivering.

Now I see mind and body as a team. Two players with very different positions - and one doesn't really have to worry about or try to control what the other is doing. It's better if they each do their thing and leave the other one alone. Body's performing well above expectations and mind should lay off!

Today was a day of rest. I didn't make up the 4 miles I was supposed to run yesterday, and I'm not sure if I'll be able to run 5 tomorrow due to my work schedule. Mind says that's unfortunate, possibly poor planning. Body says not to worry - we've got it covered.

Day 135: Bag of Bones

I'm still a bag of bones today. Terrible recovery from yesterday's run - the worst I've ever felt, in spite of having done everything by the book. I was supposed to run 4 miles today but not in a million years was I going to even make a gesture to try. 14 miles in a storm is a damn lot. I guess the lesson is, you don't just fight that kind of battle and walk away without a scratch. I'm not discouraged though. I will recover - in a day or so.

I've had a super busy day today. Up at 5AM for work and not home until after 10:30 PM. Right now my eyes are shutting as I type this. The effects of having had so much caffeine and sugar goo yesterday were quite depleting. I wasn't able to sleep deeply last night; and today, I tried coffee to restart the cycle of perkiness but it didn't catch. I've been drinking tons of water - hoping to clear my system of toxins, consuming Advil - to numb the muscle pain so that I can move about in the world, and will finally fall into bed in a few minutes - possibly foregoing removing my mascara.

14 miles in 4.5 months. For a while now I've been challenging myself to really understand my own motivations. How (mechanically and emotionally) am I managing this? On the surface, the cost is still a lot greater than the benefits... It doesn't make any sense for me to carry on when every cell in my body wants to stop.

I now have the answer to this question - much earlier in the game than I'd thought I would - and I am going to share it with you.

But you're going to have to wait until tomorrow because I'm beat!

Day 134: 14 Outdoor Miles (2:51:13/12:12 Pace)

I'm going to be direct this evening because I've got a lot to say and I'm not feeling terribly poetic. Today was different. I stepped up my game with all kinds of sports nutrition during the run and I could definitely feel a difference in my energy level. I do not believe I would have been able to have finished today had it not been for fueling along the way.

The run was a complete and total bitch. There's a massive rain and wind storm here in NYC and while I was fortunate enough that the storm mostly subsided (just misting and windy) for 2/3 of the run, for the other 1/3, it was pouring on my face and blowing at me so hard I nearly got knocked over more than once. This is what I did to pull off 14 miles, the longest run of my life, and a 2 mile increase versus my last long run two weeks ago in Miami:

Last night I drank a cachaça cocktail and ate carbs and lots of delicious meat. Highly recommend this essential step for solid performance! 3 hours before the run I had Kashi Go Lean cereal, coffee and milk. 1 hour before the run I had a sprouted grain tortilla with honey. 15 minutes before the run I drank a proper shot of espresso coffee with a dash of skim milk.

After mile one I stopped to use the restroom at the Boat House. I made friends with the hand towel attendant who didn't believe me when I said I was out for 14 miles today. She gave me a look like, "You're crazy, lady! It's a storm out there!" In the first hour of running I drank 17 oz (one bottle) of organic sports drink (85 calories, sodium, electrolytes.) At the one-hour mark I consumed one caffeinated gel pack (100 calories, 25 mg caffeine.) After 7 miles I stopped back at the Boat House again and shocked the hand towel attendant when I told her I'd just run 7 miles. What? She was pretty excited and asked if she'd see me next Sunday! I said no, but the Sunday thereafter.

In the second & third hours I consumed another 17 oz bottle of organic sports drink, which I'd squirreled away in some leaves on my first pass by the stretching bridge. At the 2 hour mark I had a second gel pack. After 12.2 miles (two full loops of the Park) I took to the streets and ran in circles around my block until I hit 14.02 miles total, right in front of my building.

My doormen are probably my biggest fans. They saw me the day I moved into my building, heartbroken, destroyed... Then over the last 6 years I've gained weight, had a confusing range of friends and dates stop by, and let my life stand still in a lot of ways. They don't understand my inertia. Now here I am 6 years later, finally meeting (and exceeding) their expectations! If only I'd find a guy they'd like; that seems to be the hardest thing to get their approval on! It's like having 2 dads at the door to greet me when I come home! Thumbs up. Thumbs down. They always have an opinion! But running, they think that's a good thing, without a doubt.

In the elevator on the way up to my apartment, I burst into tears. I simply couldn't believe I'd just run 14 miles. I don't know what it means, like, does this mean I'm going to be able to train far enough along to really run the Marathon? I ran farther today than I'll have to for the Half-Marathon. Does this mean I'll be able to run the Half-Marathon? Logic would say yes, but a race day run is really different from a Sunday training run. At the race, you naturally run faster than you do during training. You don't rest as much. What if I do that and burn myself out? Running 14 miles requires serious strategy and disciplined execution - for me, at least, at my current level of fitness. I can see that if I were in better shape, 14 miles might just be a push and a shove away from 3 miles. But right, now, it's a whole other school of sport.

Once inside my apartment, I cried again and then consumed 15 grams of protein (via a shake, 220 calories), another gel pack, and 2 Advil. Then I jumped into an ice bath (yes, I poured a bag of ice from the deli into an already freezing cold tub) and soaked for 10 minutes. Jaime told me to do this and Jolynn seconded it. I was so cold in that freaking tub - I thought my feet would fall off. I wrapped my head in towels for warmth. Next time, I'm wearing a hat in there! The idea is to do something or other with your muscles. Not really sure what... I could barely walk though when I finished and at the moment, I am in pain, but definitely less debilitated than in the moments right after I stopped moving.

I listened to high energy music the whole way and walked only half of the hills. This is of course a major accomplishment for me since I've been walking all of the hills until now... Jaime told me to "speed walk" the hills because that will allow me to drop my heart rate without losing quite so much time. I found this to be 100% true. Not to say I did it all the time - I still walked many hills.

Speaking of time, mine was 2:51:13, which nets a pace of 12:12. That's :38 seconds faster per mile than I ran the 12 miles in Miami! And Miami was flat, and warm, and easy. I mean, comparatively easy. In Miami, I also ran the last 3.5 miles on a treadmill, where it's so much easier to push yourself to go fast because you're staring at the numbers. So, my run today was a good one. I liked my pace and I liked my fortitude. I wanted to quit starting around the 11th mile - because of the pain; but I focused on 14 and pushed and pushed every minute of the way, especially between 12 and 14, when I felt like my head was dragging around a bag of useless legs and bones beneath it.

Nike+ tells me I burned 1,460 calories during my run. I've consumed 1,020 calories to counterbalance that, including all my sports supplements and food nutrition. I'm completely un-hungry at the moment, as I always am after I've run. Not sure what I'm supposed to do for food tonight but one thing we know for certain - tomorrow I'm going to be a ravenous animal! Better pack enough food for several lunches!

Day 133: Drizzle It, Just A Little Bit

My new coach Jaime had said not to do much today because it's a recovery day before my big 14 mile run tomorrow. I ran 3 slow miles this morning with a few mega sprints at 7.8 mph towards the end. Oh, I really, really do love to run fast! My body doesn't hurt at all at 7.8 mph. My arms swing perfectly. My legs move. Who cares about the damn music - all I can hear is the sound of blood pumping! I have no time to think of being tired, or anxious about work, or annoyed that the weekend's half gone already. It's a blissful little minute until... my body starts needed more oxygen than I can give it and I just have to drop it right down to speed walking.

Since I'm going to try to run with fuel tomorrow (sports drink and gel packs, totaling 500 calories) I figured I'd give a gel pack a trial run today. Last time you may recall, the thing sent me into sugar and caffeine shock almost instantly. I got nauseous and had to get off the treadmill and kill my entire run. I was down for about an hour.

Since then, at Jackrabbit, a running store in NYC, I've found a different kind of gel energy pack that's made of honey, so it's all natural. I like honey. No artificial flavors, no caffeine. It makes me think of Friday night dinners in my house growing up, and proper tea in England, and all sorts of other positive drizzles from my past. So, I gave honey-for-running a try today and 120 delicious banana flavored calories later I gotta tell you... no difference in either my energy level or performance. I felt slightly funny in the tummy after the first few slugs of goo, and got a bit of an unpleasant sugar buzz around my forehead for a half a second, but nothing that would interrupt the run. But if this is the medicine the doctor prescribes, I'm happy to comply!

*shrugs*

So, I guess I'll get another one or two of those because Jaime said to run with fuel. I must just remember, these are the last days and weeks of living in a constant state of "not knowing." Soon I will be educated about exactly what to do, what works for me, and how to get ahead. I might even provide useful tips for hopeful runners, instead of this blather of emotional experience and profound befuddlement. It appears, I may have made it through the night... and dawn is on the horizon. The only option now is to wake up and take this whole thing to a new level, otherwise I'll be risking injury and certain failure. You simply can't run these distances on any ongoing basis without knowing how to take care of your machine.

Day 132: Professional Help

Sports nutritionist Jaime Windrow to the rescue! We met today for an initial consultation and, let's just say, I have a feeling my days of nausea and swollen fingers while running are soon to be over... The bad news is, from what I learned in our hour long session, the ad hoc advice I've picked up from well-meaning friends and store clerks along the way has been better than nothing, but not great. The good news is, as I suspected, there IS a very precise, optimal way to eat to maximize running performance and I'm about to learn how.

Jaime's got a very passionate, hands-on approach. She seemed genuinely excited to help me and, with a twinkle in her eye, called me "clay to mold!" Yes! Mold me! Let's put my amateur days behind me! I'm dying to learn and thrilled to find a coach who is not only an expert in nutrition, but also a professional athlete herself. Jaime retired recently from a career as a dancer (she was a Rockette) and now competes in triathlons and coaches teams in training. She's book smart and street smart, honest, personable, and super awesome.

I got a glimpse at the kind of program I'll be given. It will tell me how many calories to consume a day, what kind, and when. Jaime already shattered my currently fueling strategy for long runs. She called my Sport Beans "candy!" Damn her... But you know I know she's right. (See Day 92: 9 Miles Thanks to Candy with Benefits.)

Anyway, apparently I need to actually be consuming about 500 calories during a long run, and Jaime was surprised I was able to go 12 without more than the good old Beans, er, I mean candy. She also said a lot of those miles were "empty" miles since I wasn't fueled properly. I was afraid of that...

I'm not going to get bogged down in mistakes of the past. On to the "now." I have lots of paperwork to fill out before we can properly begin so I won't be drastically changing anything about the way I eat just yet. I do think I will try some gel packs again though when I run on Sunday - just making sure this time that they aren't the kind with caffeine!

Day 131: New Personal Best (3M in 30:49/10:16 Pace)

Woo hoo! I ran a new personal best tonight! 3 miles in 30:49, which nets a pace of 10:16. That's 33 seconds faster per mile (or a 1:39 total savings!) than my last 3M PB, 34 days ago... Amazing! I'm really struggling to get back on track this week so I'm very excited about this progress. It helps. I feel encouraged that I can come back from the slippage I suffered after traveling and being sick.

It didn't "just happen," though; I made it happen - driven by boredom. Tonight I just wanted to run fast and get it over with sooner... I was tired. I wanted to hang out in my apt. I wanted it to end! I didn't start out trying for a PB or anything but half way through the 2nd mile I realized I'd started out pretty fast and if I didn't stop, I might beat my record. To challenge myself, I played with increasing my speed every 1/10 of a mile.

Tonight I also wore new sneakers that I'm not sure about yet. They're fancy pants shoes, let me tell you. They're "loaded" with every feature money can buy. They're Asics Gel-Nimbus 11 in White/Navy/Ice Blue with fantabulous asymmetrical laces... The laces are genius! The part I'm not sure about is the width. Even though they're billed as wide, they might be a little too narrow in one place. Funny 'cuase they aren't as wide as my regular width Sauconys.

I also wore my new "lollipop" orthotics which still hurt like a motherfucker but I figure I've got to put up with it or I'll never break them in. The burning sensation on the arch of my right foot is unreal. I now have long blister strips on the underside of both arches. Hope they go away over night... I'm not going to wear the orthotics for my 14 mile run on Sunday though; that's for sure!

I went low rent on the supplements tonight too. No Sport Beans or power meal beforehand. And I wore a really low tech outfit - Adam R.'s Air Force shorts and the same tank top I wore all day at work. I barely drank water, maybe a sip at the close of the first two miles. When you really want to do something, it doesn't matter how you're dressed for it; you just do it. Gosh now that would really make a fine tag line, wouldn't it?

Day 130-B: Three More for the Road

Yeah, so I think this is the first time I've ever run twice in one day! I'm trying to make up for many lost miles. I've officially decided to give myself a pardon for all of last week, but this week I was supposed to run 4 miles on Monday but couldn't; and then was supposed to run 5 this morning but only ran three. Now that I'm feeling physically better, I have a strong desire to get back on track. All day I fantasized about running anywhere from 3-6 miles tonight after work.

Following a fun sushi get-together with my cousin Tom, I took myself home and strapped on the gear. Still stiff from the morning's workout, and possibly having some residual effects from the stomach virus, I needed a significant warm up and so walked for 10 minutes before turning the machine off and on again, and beginning my timed run.

My first mile was very strained. I went at 5.1 mph most of the way and listened to Vivaldi because I'm really burned out on all my running music. At the close of the first mile I had to walk a tenth of a mile. I sipped water, ate a bean, and then cranked the speed up again to 5.7 and higher. In all, the three miles took me 36 minutes, netting a pace of 12:00 per mile.

When I came back to my apt I went online and signed up to volunteer for the NYC Half Marathon on March 21. This is the Half I'd considered entering the Lottery for before I found the Women's Half in April. I'll be manning a water station and I can't wait... I had the option to work posts at the start or finish, but I decided I wanted to be out there where the action would be... I wanted to see how runners look when they're running, the expressions on their faces as they grab a cup and go. I don't know what I look like when I'm running but maybe I'll learn something about that by looking into the faces of other runners who are pushing themselves. I like the job because it will let me truly be useful to someone else... and in return, I will also get something important back. I need to volunteer for a race this year as part of my qualification process for running in the 2011 Marathon! Nothing like planning ahead.

Day 130-A: Lesser of Evils (3 Miles and Counting...)

Last night I set the alarm for 6:15 AM and programmed the coffee maker with a high octane espresso grade bean. It worked. I was out the door today by 6:45 (a little later than expected but... out!) and off to the gym to run.

When I arrived, I set the treadmill's timer for 45 minutes and planned to run 3 miles at whatever pace my body wanted. I was supposed to go 5 miles in total, but I knew intuitively that 3 would be enough. I had one Fruit Punch flavored Sport Bean to kick the event off! By far the most inspiring flavor... Just one does the trick.

I felt a lot of weakness in my knees and hips as I ran. In moments, I'd feel a sharp twinge of pain and think for a second I might collapse, but then I'd compensate by hopping up on that leg, or almost dragging the leg for a few steps, and that would help me recover. No idea what was causing that condition or how to remedy it.

Before the close of the first mile, I had to stop for a bathroom break. Annoying! I tried to run there and back within the treadmill's 30 second "pause button" window but didn't make it. So when I returned, I reset the machine for 30 minutes and hopped back on. By the end of mile 2 I was seeing black spots. I hadn't had breakfast... Here we go again, I thought! But it wasn't like I could stop and eat a meal at that point so I just popped another Sport Bean, sipped some water, and reduced my speed.

I picked the speed back up again for the last half a mile and noted how red I was, how tired, how uninterested in running. That weakness in my knees was troubling. And the black spots? Well I know what they're from but still, I kept hearing my mom's voice in my head from the night before, "Don't run! It's dangerous!" Maybe she was right - but half a mile to go? I could do that. I had to do that! I had to know if my sadness was from the stomach virus... or from the absence of running.

When the three miles was over, I walked for a few minutes on the treadmill and let myself feel accomplished. I also felt a chemical euphoria I can't remember having felt in a long time, or maybe ever, during this whole training. When I finally stepped off the treadmill, I felt like I was floating on air. It was lovely! I vowed to try to come back to the treadmill again tonight, after eating something, and maybe do 3 more miles. I'd need to do 6 more to fully catch up on the week's agenda. I really like the idea of running 6 miles tonight...

When I walked into work, everyone was asking how I felt. I told them the stomach virus seemed to be all gone, and announced, "I'm not sad any more!" And, that's the truth. That hollow feeling I had yesterday is totally gone. The running part of running was uncomfortable. It was really hard to get there... just to get the shoes on, figure out the outfit, remember what to bring. (In fact, I forgot my Nike+ gadget, forgot to eat, forgot how long it takes to go three miles.) But the rewards were also still there for me, the same as I guess they've been since I started - though I wasn't aware and appreciative to the degree I am now.

So how did I get by before I started to run? I guess, with a lot of emotional effort, and by bolstering myself with external boosts from people, food, entertainment, whatever! I just never realized it... Now I can say with some clarity that yes, I really do hate to run, but I hate the way I feel when I'm not running even more. Running is clearly the lesser of two evils... and I'm going to keep embracing it.

Day 129: Hollow

I'm still sick. I can't run. My stomach bug lingers; but if I had to guess, it does seem like it's on its last legs. The problem is, now there are other disruptive symptoms.

I just don't feel right. I feel kind of emotionally vacant and sleepy. My body temperature is too low; it's been 96 degrees for 2 days now. I'm cold and quiet. This isn't the normal me. I can't imagine these symptoms are related to the stomach virus, but nothing else is different in my life.

If I had to describe the way I feel in a word, I'd say I feel sad. Not boo-hoo sad; I'm not going to cry at all, I'm not ruminating. In fact, I can't think of a single specific thing to be upset about, but there's a kind of detached sadness I sense about myself, a hollowness in my head, a heaviness in my throat, a flutter in my heart. My hand shakes when I hold it out.

Just when I was wondering whether any of this was showing on the outside, a curious colleague approached me and said, "You look different from when you left for your trip." She made some guesses - was I thinner, blonder? No, no. She said she couldn't put her finger on it... She said, "You look really good, though! It's just... you look sad."

I'm curious to know if my stomach bug is depressing my immune system, and that's making me feel sad; or if the sadness comes from not running. I wasn't this sad before I started running! I think I need to get on the treadmill tomorrow morning no matter what - for my body - but also, for my mind. If that doesn't erase this hollow feeling then I'm going to go to the doctor and get tested for mono!

Day 128: The Little Picture

No running today. Still sick and tired. I'm kind of happy I can't run. I've lost my sense of purpose. The good feeling I have afterwards is nice of course but I can't remember why I thought this was a clever thing to do any more.

I can't remember how I used to manage to wake up in the morning and go running before work when it's so very nice to sleep until 7 AM. I can't remember how I ever put up with wearing hideous workout clothes, and jamming my feet into shoes with torturous orthotics. Was I losing weight at one time? Did I feel like I was making progress? Was I shattering my opinion of myself? Did I suddenly seem more interesting? All that - just a week ago?

I'm already starting to think about what major, ridiculous challenge I can take on next, once I finish this experiment. What would I really like to do that I think I can't do? How about paint? My dad was a painter. I've been scratching at it myself since I could hold a brush but have no skill. I've got magical images up in my mind's eye but when I try to put them down on canvas, they just splatter about. It's incredibly frustrating, especially knowing I've got some genetic predisposition to be able to do this, if you believe in that sort of thing - which I do.

What if I spent as much time each week painting and studying painting as I do running and studying running? I might be a master in a year! I might be able to express myself in pictures which really would be something quite satisfying for me! That's something I've wanted to be able to do all my life. As opposed to running, which I never wanted to do.

Oh, I know. I'm doing what I do. I'm being extreme. It isn't that running means nothing... It's that the big lesson I'm getting has a lot more to do with human capacity than it really specifically has to do with running. I'm sure I'll take this lesson with me forever after the year is done; but will I continue to run? I have no idea. Maybe not! Hmm... Maybe. I don't know. There definitely is an addictive quality to running. I always want to run again the day after I've run; but give me two days or (gasp!) three and I'm completely free of attachment!

I'm thinking way too broadly right now. I need to reign it in or I'm going to lose focus forever on this goal. I must start thinking about the little picture again - right now. The only question I will allow myself today is: "How do I make sure I run tomorrow?" Little picture. One day at a time. Half a day at a time if I need to. So many lovely distractions along the way. Even having a stomach virus seems like it might be nicer than having to run. I really hate to run.

Day 127: Grounded

I'm back in NYC now but I'm still fighting this nasty Swedish stomach virus. It isn't pretty. The flight attendant on my journey from Stockholm to Newark today commented immediately on how sick I looked when I sat down, brought me extra blankets, and kindly didn't wake me for the meals. Of course, then when I did wake up, she basically force fed me the Swedish cure-all, whitefish roe, creme fraiche, grainy bread, and Champagne, followed by a hot Cinnamon bun and port!

I was supposed to run 13 miles today. In denial about my situation, I was hoping that when I got home a hot shower and change of clothes, just changing running shoes even - 'cause I've been wearing the same ones every day for 2 weeks and I want to burn them, would make it possible for me to go out and hit the road. Unfortunately though, I'm still pretty sick so, I am grounded again.

Assuming I do get better soon, I'm not really sure how to proceed. Basically, I've lost a whole week of training. This must happen to other runners and I wonder what they do. Should I repeat the week I missed? That would screw things up though as I approach the Half Marathon. Or should I just carry on with next week's mileage? That would mean running 14 miles next Sunday! Oh boy!

Then there's the whole issue of overall set-back. Have I had one? I'm stiff and dehydrated from having been sick and on the plane. I haven't been eating well. I'm jet lagged. Maybe I've lost some strength and stamina for not having exercised more than once in 7 days, even after having run 12 miles last weekend. Well, I guess I will just have to see how it is. It might be awfully hard and uncomfortable; but it won't kill me. I need to remember that and just power through.

I think I will carry on with this week's schedule, effectively skipping over last week's mileage entirely. I'll be pushing myself harder than I'm ready for, but I simply can't stand the thought of not following the training schedule as it was laid out... I'm depending on this formula to work!

Day 126: 3 Miles in Sweden

Stockholm was at its wintry best today. About 20 degrees, but sunny and clear, without flurries. After a lovely Swedish breakfast at my hotel, I ran 3 miles on the treadmill.

Initially, I thought I'd run 5 miles, but then realized the machine was on kilometers... so it was only three. That's OK though. I was pretty worn out after 3, and as sweaty as I've ever been. I guess 36 hours of food poisoning can have an impact on your system! In fact, now I'm starting to wonder if it wasn't the fawn burger (or "wallenburgare") that set things off in the wrong direction, but rather this European "gastro" I keep hearing about. Anyway, I'm not 100% yet. Feeling MUCH better and totally functional, but still off.

Following my run, I went out sightseeing and walked around for about 7 hours. I stopped along the way for the Swedish tradition of fika, or "coffee break." Fika is seminal in Stockholm, and it's taken religiously by Swedes every few hours. Fika includes coffee and some form of sweet; but I skipped the sweets today. I did have some herring in the early afternoon. So delicious!

My mileage total for the week is... hold on to your seat... 3 miles! I'm slated to run 13 miles tomorrow when I hop off the plane. I readied my outdoor outfit before I left 2 weeks ago, just so I wouldn't have any excuses to skip it. I hope the weather in NY cooperates, that my flight isn't delayed, and that I have plenty of energy and enthusiasm for it when the moment comes! I'll still be seriously short of mileage on my training schedule this week, but what can you do. They say if you're sick below the neck, don't run. Anyway, I'm doing my best.

Day 125: A Lost Day

Unfortunately, I wasn't wrong. I have terrible food poisoning - though all my colleagues here in Sweden insist it's a virus they've been passing around for weeks. Whatever it is, I've got it.

Last night was the most miserable night you can imagine - and I'll spare you the details. I was alternatively hot (fever) and cold (slept in my down jacket, wool hat, with two down comforters and my teeth were chattering so hard I was afraid I'd break a a veneer). At 8:30 AM my friend Sarah Watson (the one I ran the 4 mile race with last weekend, who is also here on business from NY) texted to me to see if I'd gone to the gym... I told her what happened and she checked in on me every few hours, which was nice. Since there's no working phone in the room, I couldn't even call the front desk for help! I kept thinking, do I need to go to the hospital?

Then at 9am I got an email from my Swedish colleague Roberto saying he had to cancel the party he'd invited me to tonight because he too had food poisoning, or the virus, whatever it is. Then the most senior person on our trip who organized and paid for everything sent me a note telling me to stay at the hotel tonight, on him, and that he was so sorry... Then Frida from the Swedish office called to make the hotel arrangements for me but I declined. I've got another hotel reserved and figured by afternoon, I had to be better, right? RIGHT?

Well, it's afternoon and while it's inconceivable that there's a speck of anything left in me, just like with running, the human body is full of surprises. I'm going to try very hard to rally right now and pack and check out. I've entirely missed what looks to have been a lovely, sunny day in Stockholm. Of course I can't actually "see" out the windows in my room but I have a feeling, based on the light.

There's been no running for 5 days. That's the longest I've gone without running, isn't it? I'm slated to go 13 miles on Sunday, after I get off the plane. I hope this hiatus doesn't prove detrimental. I'm not sure if my new hotel will have a gym, or an arrangement with a gym, so it's very possible I won't run tomorrow either. I guess, we shall just have to see.

Day 124: Fawn Burger

I'm still in Sweden on a business trip. It's our last day of work and tomorrow and Saturday I have planned personal time for wandering and discovery. I had been planning to go to the gym tomorrow, my first minute off, but something very unfortunate has happened.

Tonight as part of a group dinner I was served, and ate, fawn burger. As in, a hamburger made of baby deer. This was accomplanied by chanterelles (like everything in Sweden) and lingonberries (ditto). The minute I bit into the strangely textured burger I had a funny feeling. Within an hour I could feel my stomach tightening up in knots. And now, having left the group who are partying like rockstars in the hotel lobby because our meetings are over, I have the sinking feeling it's going to be a very long night for me...

I've had food poisoning three times in my life before this. The first I was under age three and it came from a frozen eggplant dinner. I remember the looks on my parents faces as I came into their bed to lovingly throw up on them. I remember all of us cramming into the guest bed when I finally seemed "done" and how fun that was, but not so fun that I ever wanted to have food poisoning again. After that, there were two sushi-induced food poisoning incidents. Having food poisoning incident #4 in Sweden, from fawn burger none the less, is terribly exotic!

I hope I'm wrong. Especially since I'm scheduled to run 5 miles tomorrow... my first run in 4 days. Actually, come to think of it, missing running might be the least of my problems... Oh dear. Got to go.

Day 123: Too Hip to Exercise

Apparently, I am now living a lifestyle that's so hip it precludes exercise. My hotel in Sweden is something out of movie about cool people. I'm not sure how I got here but they obviously weren't checking very carefully at the door.

Let me tell you about my room which is a hauntingly beautiful, high ceilinged suite painted white and mushroom cream with artwork that scares me - and I'm usually the edgy one in the room. One photo is of a young Japanese girl outside a crammed subway licking a lollipop seductively. The next is a photo of John McCain grabbing Barack Obama's behind. The next is a close-up of a man crying.

I have windows in various shapes... three huge portholes and a French window, all of which start above my sight line, so I can't see out of them. Kind of like being in a stylized jail cell. I have shelves all around. One is decorated with 7 empty photo frames. Empty. No photos. I'm sure this is meant to telegraph something but I can't guess for the life of me. The next shelf has a small marble bust of a disillusioned looking girl, an animal's skull, and a brass statuette of an angel with giant stained glass wings. There's a crystal chandelier the size of 4 basketballs, and a light blue corduroy sofa. I have two flat screen TVs, but no alarm clock or phone. There's a hand painted wooden sign on the wall that says, in English, "Silence Please." The shower is too complicated for me so I lie in the tub and let the water run over my head from the spigot. The toilet seat is square and impossible to sit on; I'd squat but it's so high I can barely reach it to sit without having to jump up. Are Swedish people all tall or something?

The place has been designed down to every austere and functionless detail. They've got "esoteric" down to a science. So much so that they simply don't have a gym. They've got a membership you can use at a club 15 minutes away... but when you ask for a map of how to get there, they just shrug. The gym?

So, it seems, the type of people who would stay at a hotel like this do not run. I'm an outlier here. I do not fit in. The truth is, I haven't got time to run on this trip any way. I've never made an excuse to you yet, have I? I promise this is no excuse now. I'm booked morning to night, and it's just not going to happen.

Day 122: My Little Bomb

When you have a big task to accomplish, they say to break it up into smaller tasks you can manage. The smaller task I’m training for now is the Half Marathon on April 25th. If I follow Gordon’s schedule exactly, I need to run 175 miles in the next 7 weeks to be ready for this race. A few days after that, I will actually start to focus on training for the Marathon itself. For now though, I’m training for the Half. That’s all I need to focus on. 175 miles… in 7 weeks… piece of cake.

So, today's a travel day for me and there will be no running. Just flying, working and dining. It's OK. There's always tomorrow. But a funny thing happened going through security in Frankfurt. I'm wearing my running shoes (easier to wear than pack, I'll switch when I get to Stockholm) and they've got my little Nike+ sensor strapped to the laces. It's small. I don't even notice it. But the ladies of German security sure did!

A swarm of security gals with bright blonde hair and pink lipstick descended around the machine while I was waiting for my stuff to come through. I was annoyed. Cutting into my duty free shopping time? Bitches! Then I realized they were picking over my things.

It was all resolved in a few minutes, though not without my getting the full wand treatment and a deep tissue pat-down! There's a Nike shop right here in the airport! I can't be the first person to come through security with a running sensor. Oh well. Glad to add a little excitement to everyone's morning.

Day 121: Owning Twelve

Today is the start of my 5th month of training. I’m one-third of the way there and I’m very grateful I haven’t had any injuries. I’ve been bloody, blistered, swollen, sore, nauseous, stiff and miserable – but nothing’s broken or pulled. That is the definition of success, on my terms. Remember, I’m not expecting to like this, or feel good along the way. I’m just conducting an experiment – to find out why anyone in their right mind would train to run a Marathon.

I was scheduled to run 3-4 miles today but wasn’t able to. I had it planned so nicely, but then a whole bunch of things got in the way. First an early morning conference call ran long. Then the hotel lost my dry cleaning (half of my clothes for the next leg of my business trip were “misplaced” permanently - awesome). Then a family emergency came up and took hours to resolve across three phones, involving doctors and kind friends who have offered to help when I’m traveling.

I cried a lot there in my Florida hotel room while I was on hold, pressing # for the nurse’s station, and taking notes. One doctor said he felt sorry for me – that the situation was so bad – and I said no really, it’s no big deal compared to training for a Marathon! I meant it when I said it but upon further thought, maybe it’s the other way around. Running doesn’t seem so bad compared to the pounding I have to deal with in my personal life sometimes.

And so… anyway, there went my plan for a run on the beach and a dip in the pool. Such a bummer to miss my last chance for the sun. Now I’m on an overnight plane to frigid Sweden via Germany. No running in the air, as much as I’d really like to be on the move right now.

Anyway, I'm alright missing a day. Not worried a bit. Yesterday I ran TWELVE MILES! 12 was the magic number for me – the one that tipped me into some kind of sense of my own legitimacy. You'd think a nice round number like 10 would have done it but the truth is, when I ran 10, I didn't really believe I'd run 10. I kept recalculating the distance (always added up to 10...but I had my doubts) and entertaining the possibility that the people who measure distances in the Park don't know what they're doing. Then 11? Well that was like 10 plus a little tidbit so what's so special about 11.

But 12? I can’t deny 12 is 12. I ran it the whole way, in another state, in a whole different "season" of weather conditions. Plus, I hurt something awful afterwards. I definitely ran 12 miles! Damn!