Day 63: Flaming Expectations

Good news: I've exited the cave of doom I penned from yesterday. I guess I just needed a little time to study all the possible outcomes of this new year and fully embrace the power of chance. When you choose to be interconnected with people and the world, it's a dangerous proposition! You never know what's going to unexpectedly trip you up; but then you also never know how the road may rise up to meet your footfall. So, it's a gamble, and I allowed myself a day to be sure I was ready to enter the old casino again.

What I didn't tell you yesterday was that on New Year's Eve I'd concocted a terrible "Resolutions" exercise that backfired mostly on me. I got it in my head that resolutions tend to be really superficial and limiting, versus tools to get us moving in a new direction and expand our experience. Saying "I'm going to get in shape in 2010" totally misses the point. The truth behind that is, I want to feel alive again and know my power; and then drill down even more and you'll see that what I really want is to be able to drop into a split without stretching, like I still could when I was 25, and I want perkier boobs. If you don't get to the heart of things, you end up diligently walking on the treadmill for a year and wondering why it's so damn unsatisfying.

I just wanted to know what I really wanted; and I figured everyone else did too.

So, before the stroke of midnight I produced a stack of blank 100-page books and colorful pens and gave out instructions on what to do... Write a resolution or wish per page, and keep going until the end. Who knows, I explained, maybe you don't really want to get a promotion this year; maybe what you really want is new shoes? Wouldn't it be good to find out? It's a lot easier to buy new shoes... There was a mixture of grumbling and eye rolling. "They're going to thank me tomorrow," I thought, self-righteously, and picked up my pen.

I started with health. We all did. That's what you're supposed to do, of course. Then I got to career, family, friends, romance, running, blogging... blah, blah... Around page 60, things finally started to get interesting.

I didn't actually finish until the next day. I read the book over a few times and took it all in. I wanted a surprising number of disparate things, some seemingly impossible to achieve and others so accessible I could accomplish them by placing a few online orders that very afternoon. Where to start? How to sift through and prioritize? Which of my goals were most worthy? If I did everything on the list, would 2010 be the best year ever? What had I left out? Maybe knowing myself wasn't such a good idea after all. I'm complicated!

By the end of the day, I was a wreck. "Why so melancholy?" people kept calling and asking. I had a cold brewing and blamed that. Eat kimchi! Drink cucumber juice! Rest! Are you running today? You're really going to have a great year! Nothing anyone said could move me. I was wrapped in blue. A guy sent me a link giving me choices of blue variations I could pick from, demanding that I at least be creative about it I were going to get lost in a color: Check out: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Shades_of_blue

None of it touched me. I kept staring at the book.

Today I put an end to my azure cast by doing something rash! On impulse, I took the book to the gas burner and lit the damn thing on fire! I've never done anything like that before but have seen it done in movies. What you don't get from the movies though is how instantly, alarmingly bad a burning book smells! I'd disengaged my smoke detector but I'd forgotten I have neighbors. I managed to sear three sides of the book and the back flap sizzled off before there came an urgent knock at the door.

I rushed the book over to the sink and doused it with water. I live next to a celebrity who is in LA most of the year and she and her producer husband are always very nice to me when we cross paths in the hall. Celebrities are the quirkiest people on earth; so I've never bothered to make any attempt to hide my own quirkiness from them and in that moment I found myself secretly wishing it would be they at the door - who else would have the creative wherewithal to comprehend a real live book burning? I screamed back, "Just a minute!" as I pulled myself together, and then cracked the door open a foot and poked my head out crazy neighbor style, hair up in a greasy ponytail to complete the character sketch. Even for me, this was pretty over the top!

"Hi! Happy New Year," I chirped, as if maybe she'd come by to tell me there was a sale at Barney's... pretending there wasn't a wet, charred book dangling from my hand... "I smelled fire," she said, eyes darting down at the culprit. I took a deep breath and explained my terrible experiment, and how I was trying to put expectations for 2010 to bed, and... She burst out laughing and reached out to shake my free hand. "That's awesome! ...better crack the window open, though," and I turned around and saw she was right; the place was filled with smoke. "Happy New Year," we both said again and then she and her husband went into their apartment giggling.

Scaring the neighbors aside, the book burning was the way to go. Bye, bye expectations! I feel so much better right now.

Today is a day of complete and total physical rest. I've been fighting a chest cold for two days and if I can just keep myself in check when I go out tonight, I think I'll be all better tomorrow; or maybe I won't go out. I think I might go and get a massage this afternoon. I will be running 5 miles tomorrow - a proper 5 miles on the treadmill - and I know it's going to be challenging but I am excited to kick off my first big run of the new year. How's it going to be? I have no idea, baby - zero expectations, remember?