129: Am I Starting to Show?

Blessings on Nikki Walker who came up behind me before ErinSati class tonight and gushed over my "runner's legs." I really needed that! I'm not feeling like much of a runner right now since for the last few weeks I've only been running races, and this week looks like it's going to be more of the same. Nikki gave me some new information about myself today and I'm going to take great pride in what she saw because the body never lies.

This is a hot topic with me right now. The body. And false advertising. I really resent that I actually live an incredibly healthy life (minus the stress) and yet my body doesn't look like the picture of perfect health. I'm not athletic looking. Yes, the next wave down of clothing is starting to be too big. Last week I had to throw out two pairs of underpants because they literally fell off while I was wearing dresses! This is all a little bit amazing, if inconvenient, but I'm also not suddenly Jillian Michaels.

So, what physical evidence is there to reassure me that I'm making progress, and let others know the same, without my having to shout about it? Or blog about it? I've noticed my arms are more muscular, but that's not from running; that's from intenSati. I've noticed I'm tan - probably tanner than I've been in my adult life - and that is from running outside. I've noticed a change in my thigh muscles - they're hard; but, what do others see, if anything?

With Nikki's comment, I now know that in fact, this runner is starting "to show." Who I am on the inside - how I live, what I do, and who I am - is peeking through... I really like the idea that my authentic sensing and doing is translating into visible evidence.

Running isn't the only thing I've been doing that's producing a radical change in how I feel and maybe even how I look on the outside. I owe you an update on something major I took on a few months ago. Like with running, I didn't want to talk about it right away because I wasn't sure it would stick; but it has stuck, and so now it is time. Maybe tomorrow.

(What's a Wednesday without a decent cliffhanger?)

130: Day of Rest

131: Day of Rest

132: Doubleheader Weekend - Another 5 Mile Race

I've got the fever again! Second race of the weekend today - the Achilles Hope & Possibility 5 miler. What an amazing experience!

I went in thinking only about myself, and how I wanted to just try to do better than I did on Saturday. I wore my other shoes, and professional socks, and didn't eat a waffle before I ran! And... I looked at my performance from Saturday - where I fell short the most - and committed to trying to do a little bit better today. When I analyzed my speed at various parts of the course from Saturday, i was surprised to see that my big problem was in mile 2, on the hill just north of the Boat House. Sure, it's a killer, and I usually walk some/most of it, but if I'm going to advance in this sport I'm going to have to - at some point - run it all the way, and fast.

So, today I ran my whole first mile at the fastest pace I could without losing my breath, and then when I got to that hill, I noticed my mind telling me it was time to walk, and I pushed. I got up about half of it running. Then I walked a little, and then I ran again. I appreciated myself for my effort. Then I took the whole rest of the race seriously and just did my best in every moment. Not once did I think about quitting today. I stayed in the zone and returned to the music whenever I felt myself going off track.

I didn't have a PR, but I improved my time significantly from yesterday and I felt great! Great not just from the running, but also from the experience of running side-by-side with adults and children with physical handicaps - mostly people with leg prosthetics, but also many folks in electric chairs, wheelchairs, and even a few using walkers. Some of the handicapped people did a shorter (1.7 mile) version of the race, but many were out there on the course right there with the rest of us. I took a moment to high five every single special athlete I passed on the course.

There were two really memorable people I met while I was running. The first was a boy in an electric chair. I ran over to him and went to high five with the hand he wasn't using to drive the chair. He smiled so broadly and lifted his free arm up - but he couldn't actually open his clawed hand to meet mine. I hadn't thought of that. Thought quickly... "Fist bump!" ...and we bumped... and I seriously could have cried. "You're amazing, you know that?" I said to him. I wanted to stop and run with him but I also thought, no, that was enough, go and do what you're here to do.

The second memorable person was a beautiful little girl about 6 years old. She had one prosthetic leg and she was running with a stunningly gorgeous and fit man who had two prosthetic legs. From behind I thought - could this be a father and daughter? What were the chances? When I came up to the girl I said, "You rock! You look so beautiful running!" and we tried a high five but it was kind of lame so I said, "Let's do that again!" and we did, and it was perfect... and she looked so-so-so-so-so happy! It was like her big sister had told her she was cool! The man nodded and mouthed "Thanks," and I said, "You are AMAZING! We're in this together, OK?" and she just kept smiling.

As I ran away from them I thought about how rewarding it would be to mentor a child with a physical handicap - to use everything I'm learning in intenSati, and my hard won lessons about my own physical challenges - and everything I know about perseverance - and be an example and a coach. I could never be a role model to an able-bodied child because she'd run circles around me in no time! But a special needs kid I could handle. It would be good for both of us. I want to look into that.

I can't wait for my next 5 mile race next weekend. I'm going to make a career out of 5 mile races! My goal is to be able to run 6 miles straight, without stopping, by the time I start my intensive marathon training program in July.

133: Finishing is Winning - 5 Mile Race

I met a man today in the 7000s corral (see photo). He said in his life he'd run 10 marathons and to date the most memorable moment of his running career was during his first NYC Marathon when he was crossing the Brooklyn Bridge. It was pretty early on in the race and he was tired already and feeling overwhelmed by all the people and the circumstances. Then he looked up on the bridge and saw a huge sign that said, "Finishing is Winning!" and that put it all into context and he found the courage and inspiration to go on.

I took that sentiment with me today when I ran. It was hot and horrible out there. I ran way too fast for me in the first mile (10:37 pace) and then had to walk on and off for the rest of the race. I thought about quitting almost non-stop. I simply could not stay in the zone. I felt nauseous and had to walk. I had strange cramps, which I never get, and had to run with my arms over my head. My shoes were too loose. All my good socks were dirty so I wore thin cotton ones and that felt weird.

So, you wanna know how bad-bad-bad it was? I'll tell you. I ran an average 11:39 pace. That was my 5 mile pace back in January. Exactly. Five and a half months later, I'm running the same pace. Now, tell me that doesn't depress you! Heat or no heat.

Running again tomorrow. I hope I'll make a comeback though I am certainly not expecting it. I ran as fast as I possibly could today. In every moment I did my best. What would make tomorrow different? I guess we'll see. I am not giving up. I've got to push though this phase. The joy of feeling progress shall be mine again!

134: Leave It To The Gays!

I complain a lot about the quality of the shirts sponsors give out for the races I run. Once in a while there's an OK design; but they're usually just these awful cotton beefy Ts you really can't even run in. Once in a while, you get a technical shirt. Like for the Brooklyn Half, we got decent light blue shirts. I wore mine in Chicago a few weeks ago. It isn't stylish but at least it works.

Well, leave it to the gays to absolutely over-deliver on style and substance! The shirt for tomorrow's Pride run isn't just technical, it's hot. God bless the gays and their rainbow of good ideas, creative energy, and who-the-fuck-cares-what-you-think-I'm gonna-love-who-I-love attitude.

I say, if you're in the closet, get out! These are the people who have got it going on! Just because you're sweating like a pig, there's no reason not to look fabulous, bitches.

135: Another Dry Week

Because of work, this is going to be another week of no running followed by racing! I did intenSati yesterday, but otherwise, I'm a victim of fiscal year end circumstances, late night focus groups, and early morning meetings and deadlines. No time for running. It's frustrating, especially when my motivation is so high and I feel so much support coming from friends; but there is the reality of work responsibilities.

Soon, my busy season at work will be over... and I'll be able to focus. The proper marathon training schedule begins at the end of July and my goal is to be running 5-6 miles straight, without stopping to walk at all, by that time. One month to go...

136: 2010 ING NYC Marathon Entry #: 479965

It seemed this day would never come. I prayed on it. I envisioned it. And eventually, it manifested. I got my entry number for the marathon. YES!!!

For all the material help I've been given to get to this day, I am grateful. There is something divine in this whole journey. From the way it started, to how it progressed. Now I have the opportunity to make my dream come true, and cross the finish line in Central Park on November 7, 2010. Can you believe I've been at this EVERY SINGLE DAY since November 1, 2009? A journey of a thousand miles starts with... one 5 mile walk along the West Side Highway!

As hard as it's been, it hasn't been. I feel like the road has risen up to meet me along the way. Yes, I am doing the hard, miserable work of training; but that happens on Earth, and is between me and my Asics, if you know what I mean. We get together. We beat the sidewalk up a little. The clothes go through the wash. And repeat.

But there's something else at play, I feel. There's some kind of divinity in what I'm experiencing and I'm humbled by it. Just when I'm most vulnerable, something or someone has always intervened and set me back on my path. I should have quit a long time ago. A long, long, long time ago. But I haven't. I've kept going. And I will keep going. Even as it gets harder by the day. With the knowledge that I don't need to know right now how I'm going to get through these next four months. (Only 4 months!!! OMG!) I can just trust that whatever I need to get through, it will be provided. My job is to put the shoes on and follow directions. The rest is out of my hands!

137: Day of Rest

138: The Holy Cross

I'm coming to know the power of the cross... cross training, that is. I don't think I've ever recovered more thoroughly after a challenging workout than I did after yesterday's race. Nothing hurts. Or aches. It's got to be all the squats and lunges and yoga moves I'm doing in intenSati. I'm just getting stronger. Even stuff like carrying my heavy bags around, and hustling up subway stairs, feels a lot more uneventful that it used to. I love it!

Today a friend at work came by and we chatted the running chat. I excitedly told him about my new PR! When I said I'd run at an 11:05 pace, I think he didn't know how to react. "So slow!!!" is I'm sure what he was thinking... but instead he just stood there not saying anything. I helped him out. "I'm slow! I've come a long way, though. Remember I've only been doing this for 7 and a half months," but he replied, "Well I've only been doing it a year...and I run around a 9," and we just stared at each other.

See, I'm fine with being athletically inferior; but other people want me to be a whiz already. They want me to be a success story! Well, I may not be a success story on their terms, but I am on mine. And I'm not done...

"Well," he tried again, "My legs are longer. So that's why I'm faster." Oh yes, I told him that must be it. Of course that's not it. I mean, maybe it's part of it. But I'm not relegated to the 5.5 mile an hour zone because I'm a shrimp. I'm slow because I'm going at the pace I'm going at. I had a down month when I didn't care, and I didn't train consistently. And while I'm amazingly more healthy today than I was 7.5 months ago, I'm still not at my very peak physical condition. I could be thinner. I could have more muscle mass. I could be more flexible. I'm getting there and I will get there with more running and more of that holy cross training. Then we'll see about my little legs and whether I need to find a gym with a good old fashioned stretching rack!

139: New 5M PR (55:27/11:05 pace)

I ran the Father's Day race today in Central Park, a fundraiser for Prostate Cancer research. It was hot, humid, and I was exhausted and poorly prepared, but I pushed myself and had a personal record. Not the fastest I've ever run, but the fastest I've ever run 5 miles, and :34 seconds faster per mile than my last 5 mile race, and only :10 second slower than my very best pace per mile ever!

I think I'm going to be OK. I'm not in danger of dropping out any more. I just need to make sure that my training schedule is more varied. Running by myself and being accountable to a computer program isn't so fun. And I crave fun. This past week, I decided to forget about running entirely and just did intenSati, as many chances as I could get, which ended up being three times. It's a wicked workout, upper and lower body, endurance, mind/body training. All important stuff that I need to get to the next level with running. Here I thought I wasn't advancing with running as fast as I wanted to because I wasn't running enough; but actually, maybe I wasn't advancing because all I was doing was running.

I've also decided to go with the beginner online marathon training schedule, and not bump up to intermediate. Why make myself miserable? Why rush the process? Why risk scaring myself, or over-training and causing an injury? I am a beginner. There will always be "more" I could do. I've got to manage my own burning desire to be the best, do the best, and win. Because with this sport - the facts simply are - I am never going to win!! Ever! Not a chance. And still, it's an entirely worthwhile endeavor.

People always ask me what I say to myself when I'm running. Here's a taste of what ran through my mind today...

OK, this is it! Here we go. I love this song. "Don't this hit make my people wanna... Jump! Jump!" Look at the feet. Look at the shoes. I have those shoes. Amazing there are so few types of shoes and we all have the same shoes. Maybe 6 styles. Who owns Asics? Who owns Mizuno? Look at the ground. Do not look up. [Looking up.] Oh my G-d there's a hill coming. Do not look up. Gotta get ahead of these two. Don't waste energy jockeying - try to go in a straight line. Where is the straight line? I hate this. No negative thoughts. I love spitting. [Spits.] Good girl! Actually I feel fine. Nothing hurts. I am totally fine. How is it possible that I only had 4 hours of sleep? This is downhill - I didn't even notice! Yay! Enjoy. Take a bigger stride. Try throwing your leg back more. Posture good? Yes! Good form. No walking at all during the first mile. Remember just count the miles out. Say one mile done, four to go. Yes! "Disturbia!" Why did I love this so much before? Listen to the words and try to remember. [Singing words in my head to the whole song.] "...I'm a monster!" Yes! Love this song. What's Rihanna doing now? Is she happy? Up hill... OK maybe a little walking but just until that sign post there. [Walking.] Try to walk faster. Swing your arms. Don't lose time. You're moment's right now. This is as important as the last 800 meters. Why is my breath so short? Am I going to fast? I'm going fast. I'm passing everyone. Oooh! Some kids! Get over to the side to high-5 them. Maybe this will be a big day for them and make them want to try running. My high-5 could change their lives. Oh! Totally fun getting the high-5 back! Energizing! I'm going to drink at every station. Look there are two Orthodox girls wearing long sleeved shirts, long pants and skirts. They're going to melt. Gosh that's commitment on so many levels. Are they happy? Will they run together the whole time? Will they eat the bagels at the end? They won't be Kosher bagels but can bagels be Kosher? They're not-not Kosher. OMG I'm really moving fast! Am I moving too fast? Am I burning myself out? Why am I going so fast today and it's sort of easy? I might actually have some kind of PR today! I didn't even run this week. All I did was cross train. But I feel myself getting exponentially stronger with intenSati. Do squats help with running? Those jumping jacks rock. Who knew I loved jacks. Fluid station coming! Yes! Take two waters - pour one on your face and rub it into your hands. Mile one... no way! I'm running at my fastest pace ever. What is going on? Why is this so easy. [Glancing back at the race bibs behind me.] My race number is in the 7000s and I'm passing people with 5000s on their bibs. Did they start late? Are they slow because it's so hot? That man looks familiar. That man's really drenched already. Why did I wear cotton? I need more running clothes. I have so many though - they're actually getting worn out though. Are people suffering? How am I doing this and everybody else looks like they're suffering? I'm running. How am I running? Be positive. Good girl! Oh urgently need to walk. OK, walk until that orange cone and that's it... Oh, it's so miserable to start running again! Why do I let myself stop? Well I had to. It's OK, I'm going so fast. I'm so happy that we're going through the 102nd Street transverse. Is that on an incline? Oh no... inclines ahead. But this course feels more decline than incline. Is that possible? It's not possible. I wonder if they made the course configuration like that because it's easier in the heat. What's the science of this? Or is it random? Who makes these decisions? 2 miles!!! Oh no. Not even half way there! This sucks. It's so hot. Look there's one of the Orthodox girls. Guess they split up. I am going to think about Dad right now since I'm running in his honor. He would be so proud of me. He wouldn't believe I was doing this! Did he ever run in the Park? Well he must have. Where else would he have run? But were the paths the same then? What year would that have been? The late 1930s and 1940s I guess. What would they have worn. I have to walk. I'm going too fast. Am I going to crash at the end? I can't believe I only had 4 hours of sleep last night, and 5 on Friday, and 4 on Thursday. I really have to get more sleep. Look at the feet. OK start counting as I we're doing jacks in class. Give me 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... Wow that really speeds me up. Short of breath but want to do it again. [Repeat several times.] My moment's right now. If not now, when? Holy shit I might actually have a PR today. Not what I expected! I'm excited! This is fun. Mile 3! OK, more than half way there. Oh boy... feel like a ton of bricks is pressing up against me right now suddenly, telling me to stop! I could stop. I could completely stop right now if I wanted. Nobody is waiting for me at the finish. I need to stop. I can't catch my breath. I could walk. But then I won't have PR. I'm slowing down. I went too fast in the beginning. Or did I? Maybe this feeling will pass. This is in my head. Nothing hurts. I'm completely fine. I'm strong! I'm doing great! It's fine if I don't make a PR. Please! I was just hoping to finish today! I'm totally unprepared. It's hot as balls and the air is hung with 90% humidity. Where are the sprinklers? But it would feel so good to be able to say I had a PR. Could I? If I keep this pace up and maybe press it super fast in the last leg I could be supremo! Carry on at my very best! If not now, when? This is the moment. Be here now! So maybe I can walk for a second. I'm dying to walk. It's OK - I'll walk the next hill. And I'll be fine. It might be close though. I might be on the cusp of a PR. And then I'd be sabotaging myself by walking. This is the critical moment when I sabotage it - or don't sabotage it. My final results depend on the choice I make at this exact second. I can't make it up at the end. Because there are limits to my ability. This is all I've got - right now - either working my hardest or not. What am I going to do? How have I run 13.1 miles? How ever would I keep this up for 8 more miles? How have I run 15? Well I have. It gets easier. So don't freak out. Just keep going. Look down. Look at the feet. Oh, "What goes around comes around." I used to love this song. Why can't I get into it. I'm so distracted today. My focus was so great at the More/fitness half. Was it the rain? The cold? The physical torture? I do so well under poor conditions. But not heat. Well why not heat? Why am I so adverse to sweating? I need to just get comfortable with being completely drenched and disgusting. This is what it is. Being sweaty isn't dangerous. I'm hydrating. I'm doing well. I just need to get my mind straight. Make this fun. OK dance time. Give me 16, 15, 14... I wish I could feel like I were dancing while I was running. All this boring forward motion isn't that fun. I would love to channel my passion for dancing into this forward swinging. Maybe I can imagine the rest of it, and I'll get there. Like a paraplegic imagining a full life from his hospital bed. I always say I could live a fabulous life in a jail cell thanks to my fantasy prone mind. So here I am, stuck in hell. Good moment to dream about cool breezes and sprinklers. Where are the damn sprinklers. Maybe that's just for longer races. I love my socks. I can't believe I paid $12 for socks. Good thing I'm off taxis. I wish I belonged to Equinox again. Air conditioning... Look down now. I am surrounded by feet. They're all pacing me. I can't believe Cat ran 50 miles in one weekend. Maybe her mother was right to be mad. Is she hurting herself? I don't want her to get hurt. Melissa is doing her triathlon right now! Actually, she's already done right now, or in her last transition. Do people help you with transitions? I could hand her dry socks. Ooh I'm going to get her those $12 socks I love. I could get her 10 pairs and make it a wedding present! I want to cheer for her. She's such an amazing friend and inspiration. I am so lucky. Oh here's the place were Jolynn and Rob stood waiting in the rain for me to cheer me on at the More/fitness magazine half marathon. It was so great seeing them here - although I was going in the opposite direction. Every time I pass this spot I think of them. They don't ever have to come out and support me again - I'll always remember them right here. I'm so sentimental. I kind of like the T-shirts for today's race. Such a waste with most of them - terrible beefy Ts. I still think I should talk to someone about having the NYRRs put an option on their race applications that says "I'd like to donate my shirt" and have all the unwanted shirts go to charity - unprinted. I'd pay extra for that. To have my shirt be useful to someone who needs it. I should drop my bags off to Housing Works today. Oh will this mile ever end? I am walking too much now. I might have lost my chance at a PR. Well, it is what it is. I am definitely trying my very hardest. Good girl! Good focus! Good speed! Amazing that cross training has made me stronger and that's paying off. Yay! Wait don't celebrate too early. Still more than a mile left. And so on... until the last 800 meters when I might have been hallucinating slightly as I imagined Melissa joined me and I asked her to pace me up a tenth of a mile every once in a while. I felt light headed and was dying to see the Finish line. I looked for what seemed like forever and then I finally saw it in the distance, up a final hill. I tried my hardest to speed up but noticed I didn't get any faster at all. At least I didn't stop.

When I crossed the finish line, I was nauseous. A girl and her mother were right next to me and the girl looked scared, and like she might pass out. I patted her and said, "You did it!" and she smiled and perked up a little. I know what that feels like. The first time you're nauseous at the end. You're not sure why that's happening and you think you might die.

This time when I was nauseous, I knew why so I wasn't scared. I hadn't eaten, and I hadn't slept. I lingered at the post-race entertainment and raffle much longer than I usually do since I had nobody to go out to brunch with afterwards. It was kind of fun actually! I met some people, had some good conversations about running and life. Smiled with a lot of people. After the race I stopped into a yoga place on my way home. I've been looking since I started for a "yoga for runners" class that meets at a time that works for me. Since I've had such success with intenSati cross training, my interest in yoga is even more heightened now. I just think it could be amazing for me on so many levels. But of course, there's the matter of my having absolutely no free time... Oh, life is so good right now! I only wish there were more hours in a day. For once, not to do more work - but to pack more fun in.

140: Day of Rest

141: Third Time's A Charm

I did intenSati three times this week. Today's session was an hour long and out of doors, down on 23rd Street at the waterfront. We worked out under the blazing sun, on a 2" high bed of thick, green grass.

I'm not sure how I felt about working out in a public space. We had a lot of onlookers. Memorably though, a bunch of kids all under 6 came by and joined right in to the dance. So adorable. Kids just don't have the slightest sense of whether they belong someplace or not. Wherever they find themselves, they belong.

I am pretty exhausted at the moment. Sleep deprived. A bit under the weather. I'm not sure if I'll run tomorrow or not. Big 5 miles race on Sunday.

142: Careful, I'm Contagious

OK, it's starting to sink in... What I do has an impact on the world. It's noticed. And it's contagious.

Thank you to the many, many people who have written me letters, called me, IMd me, yelled at me across busy stores to tell me that what I'm doing is inspiring. It's made me feel good. But what I'm realizing now is some of those people didn't just put on their shoes for a few days and let it die. Some of those people actually changed their lives because of me.

I've got friends who weren't running or thinking about running at all in November, and now, they are. One close friend has made a second career of training, and surpassed me in every way already - and as of this week, signed on with a charity and will be running the Marathon too. She sends me notes sometimes thanking me for inspiring her, or telling me she thought of me when she was running, or if she used one of my tricks for getting through.

Another friend - a new friend - checked in with me tonight and asked me to give her a push, because she was thinking of sitting on the couch and not going out. I pushed. When she was done, she reported back in and said, when she wanted to quit out there, she'd forced herself to continue, thinking of me, stuck at my desk, unable to run because it's fiscal year end and...I'm swamped. She ran for both of us tonight. And you know, there's something really beautiful in that.

Still a third friend, a friend I've been actively recruiting, actually called me last weekend to say she's ready to start thinking about doing it, and would I go out there with her and take it easy on her?

Being a role model, an inspiration, makes me feel useful and needed, and connected. I'm terribly flawed - maybe even flailing. So to be a teacher, and an influence, in spite of my bumbling humanity, it's really an honor. I'm still scared of the challenge I have ahead for myself but I know what I need to do to accomplish it. And now, I have the added incentive of knowing that if I can successfully carry on, I'll be doing more good in the world, that my bravery and my fortitude is contagious. It's good for the planet.

Because my natural tendency is to meander... and indulge... to succeed at something that requires discipline, and offers meager instant gratification, I believe I need structure. That's what got me through the first 6 months - Gordon's Half Marathon training schedule was my bible. Whatever I did, I didn't miss those miles... And I want to succeed now at training for the Marathon, so I need a new schedule.

The Nike schedule I've been using is no good for me. It's too hard! I can't run that much right now. I'm not in shape. It's discouraging. I'm always falling short and that doesn't feel good.

So, today I purchased an online training kit through the New York Road Runners. I bought the beginner's package, not for a second doubting that that was my level; but when I started to go through the weekly mileage, it seemed low... The long runs don't even start until the end of August. Now, I'm not sure if that's a good strategy for me to take - because it won't be overwhelming. Or, if I should be pushing myself harder, considering what I've accomplished already. I don't want to suffer on the day of the Marathon. I want to walk away smiling.

I wrote to the managers of the software and started a dialog, asking for their advice. The initial feedback was disappointing - just cut and pasted from the brochure copy. They said they'd be happy to switch me, since I wrote right away, but they didn't give any deeper information. This is a real puzzle because if I am going to get to the finish line, I am sure I need a program I can trust - and that I can keep up with. I will have to consult with some experts.

I was looking for inspiration - for motivation to keep going. I think I've found it in the knowledge that it really does matter what I do. It matters how I act in the world, how I treat people, how honest I am about everything - with myself and with the world, and it matters what I do with my life. My life right now is about work, and exercise, and relationships - including my relationship with myself. My life isn't about running; but running supports every single thing on that list, and never lets me down. When a run is over, it's always been a good experience. It's what's in the middle that still sometimes sort of sucks!

So if I can remember the contagious factor of doing something positive and worthwhile, and talking about it, then maybe I will stay motivated. I love seeing my friends get healthier, and feel excited. I love that we're all on this journey together, and exploring life, and feeling physically alive, and knowing new levels of intimacy through shared experience. I never thought that "infecting" people could feel so good!

143: The Power of Ahhh...

Have you ever said "Ahhhh" for 8 minutes straight? I have. ErinSati plus Wayne Dyer equals the most radical Wednesday nights on the planet. 35 men and women... a power troupe... giving it all they've got, followed by powerful Ahhhs.

There is G-d in there in that room with Ahhhs pouring out of professional lungs. You can feel it. And then suddenly, without a sign, or any rational reason, you feel it's time to stop - and in that very instant, every single person around you apparently has the exact same response - and the room goes pin drop silent. It's close to the experience I had being in proximity to the Jade Buddha in Bangkok.

When the workout portion of the class was over tonight, and I really can't stress how massively Erin kicks your butt, I actually still felt like moving! I danced around the room for a while, so much so that one girl jumped behind me and we started a "train!" And even when that train had lost its steam, I was still rearing to go, so I walked home. I was reminded with this how somewhere after mile 5 when I'm running, I just start to "keep going" and the torture of putting one foot in front of the other morphs into a kind of purpose. I think because I haven't been doing any non-race long runs I'd sort of forgotten that.

I've got another race this Sunday, a 5 miler. I think I'd like to run some more after that, maybe 5 more miles. It's Father's Day and I'll be running in memory of my dad, but I don't know anyone doing the race so I'll be on my own afterwards and can hop to. Seems like a plan is forming!

144: Farewell to Dogmatism

I wish so much that I loved running the way I love intenSati. I keep telling myself that if I get better at running, I might love it as much, and that I just have to carry on a bit more and hopefully all the joy will be revealed. But I'm not really carrying on. I'm hanging on by a thread. I've run under 10 miles per week for the last month, relying on races to push that number up. That's not exactly "ramping up efforts." It isn't adequate training.

I'm beyond frustrated with myself. I can't decide if it's the time commitment of long runs, or boredom with my running routes, or the heat, or that I need a new outfit or gadget, or a running partner, but I'm totally uninspired. I've hit a wall. I'm not even inspired to write about hitting the wall. I feel like - who'd want to hear that? It's just complaining. I don't want to write about what's going on because it's lame, and pathetic, and not at all what I expect of myself. Where's the warrior?

I think part of what's happening, though this may be a convenient excuse, is that thanks to many things in my life, not the least of which is intenSati, I'm softening into the truth of my mushy nature. I stop and smell the roses. I taste the sauce. I linger over pages. It takes me years to finish books sometimes because I get caught up in the beauty of a sentence. I cry. I regularly feel ecstasy and misery. I'm sentimental and romantic. I break for babies and puppies. I could stand still for an hour in the rain just taking in the experience. I meander.

But all those lovely qualities don't help you keep a job and, you know, function; so I've cultivated dogmatism as a tool to keep myself moving along on a path towards any particular goal. It works! But it also necessarily requires me to shut down my sensing side which would surely provide distractions. Dogmatism is a set of heavy blinders.

Now that I'm letting the light in again, though, as part of my whole finding and accepting myself for who I am journey, anything that's been motivated by my dogmatic side is in jeopardy - because I might just loosen my reigns. Running. Big time threat looming. I need to make it more fun, less of a drag, more social, and more of a positive experience psychically. I need guidance in this area because I haven't been coming up with the answers myself. I can seek this out.

I've just decided it's more important to me to live genuinely than it is to prove I can do what I said I was going to do. I genuinely love many things about running. I love that just because I have the outfit on and I'm circling the Park in a particular lane, it's OK for me to spit! I love sweating every drop of moisture out of my body and then filling it up again with clean water. I love getting tan while running. I love how good it feels to stand tall in my running shoes. I love running in the dark. I love watching myself run in the mirror and realizing I look good. Maybe I'll love more about running as I begin to drop the "Just do it!" and adopt a meandering approach. Or maybe I won't. I feel better already though just for having said it like it is.

145: Day of Rest

146: 6 Miles in Chicago

Happy to say my leg malady has subsided and I was able to run today. I'd hoped to go out and run along the lake, but it's rainy and cold here, and that just didn't seem like a good idea so I went to the gym instead. No fans. iPod dead. Bad TV. Bad club music. Not a great experience. Started slow and did tons of stretching after. I've really got to get motivated!

147: Day of Rest

148: First Minor Injury

I have my first minor injury of sorts. It isn't serious. Just a pulled something or other on the side of my left leg between the ankle and top of the calf. I called Jolynn and described it to her and she knew exactly what it was. The name escapes me now. She said to use the roller at the gym on it, before and after running, and that that happened to her too when she was doing a lot of running. I did what she said and it felt great while I was doing it. Now, an hour later, it's still hurting but ever so slightly less than before.

I'm disappointed this has happened to me but very, very glad it isn't a big deal. I'm just going to keep up with my plans and if I notice it getting worse, I'll see a doctor. Right now it just hurts in a minor way ever time I step on it. When I'm sitting or lying down, I wouldn't even know there was a problem.

I'll keep you posted. Definitely no running today. Not only because of this but because I got 3.5 hours of sleep last night! Yeesh. Whatdya think? I'm a machine!

149: 4 Mile Walk

I met up with my meditation guru, Myra, at an unreasonable hour in the morning for a walk at the north end of Central Park. Not a run, but after two days in a row of intenSati, that's about all my body was up for anyway.

150: Holy Crap Just 150 Days Left!@#$%

I had a seriously intense ErinSati class tonight. I gave it my all. I kept thinking during class that I hoped all the running in place I did, and jumping jacks, and organized flailing, was equal to going for an hour-long run. I know I'm going to feel it tomorrow...

151: 1 Mile & JolynnSati

I took JolynnSati tonight and got my ass kicked. Beforehand I walked and ran a mile on the treadmill to just warm my body up. I'd planned to do 5 miles but my commute to the gym took longer than expected and then I just wasn't up to running any faster to make up for it. I couldn't run afterwards because I was rushing off to another appointment. Wonder if my life will ever slow down...

152: Day of Rest

153: 4 Mile FAIL!

Failblog.org has struck a chord in popular culture, and with me. I hear someone say FAIL at least once a day now and I have a sneaking suspicion that the catch phrase is about to take off exponentially. I fear we're not far from a press conference on Capitol Hill when we'll hear Mr. Obama drop the F bomb - the "new" F bomb that is - "FAIL!"

Today I took on the Japan Day 4 mile race and, by all counts, my performance was a total FAIL. I don't think I've ever been so mentally prepared to achieve a goal, and my goal was simple and achievable; but I failed anyway. I wanted to beat my previous best time for a 4 mile race. I aimed to shave off :25 per mile, but even if I'd beat it by a single second per mile, that would have been enough not to have failed. But I didn't even come close.

Excuses: It was 75 degrees out, with 79% humidity. I have an ugly gastrointestinal "disturbance" that has been plaguing me for a week and was particularly irritable in the hours before the race. I'm dehydrated (see gastro "disturbance"). The crowd moved like molasses in the first mile, which was both a hindrance and demotivating. By the end of the second mile, I was so far behind I'd never have been able to have caught up on my target pace. And finally, I haven't been training enough. Oh. Right. That.

By mile three I began weighing my exit options:

1) I could drop out entirely and walk to baggage and pick up my stuff.
2) I could run to the end and then do what I did so well in H.S. and for all 4 years of college and, "drop the class," so to speak just before grades would be posted! If I avoided crossing the finish line, I'd get the exercise, but my time wouldn't go down on my permanent record.
3) I could stay in the race and run to baggage and just not worry about my time, and let it go, and live in the truth of the situation - FAIL!

In the end, I decided I'd only be fooling myself if I hid the FAIL. I don't need to be perceived as a success all the time. In fact, maybe I need to be more upfront about my failures! Not just for the sake of fair reporting, but so I don't get caught up in my own little story here. This isn't easy. It's so much harder than I thought it would be. It's work like I've never known work. Maybe it wouldn't be for someone who liked running, or had a baseline fitness level higher than mine, or who was certifiably insane and enjoyed physical torture. But I'm none of those things and running in hot, humid air, with a body that's still significantly overweight, sucks.

So, I completed the race today and I'm proud of that; but my grade was definitely an F for FAIL. Going to sit with that as much as possible today and hopefully not lose the lesson. Nothing will move me forward except putting in the miles.

154: I Got into the 2010 ING NYC Marathon!

I'm in! I'm in shock. I'm ecstatic! I'm scared. I'm grateful! Soooo grateful. But you should know, I didn't do it by myself.

I have an angel. She doesn't want me to say her name but she has really got my best interest at heart. We reconnected serendipitously about a month after I started running and from that day forward has been unbending in her support. When I worried that I might be doing all this training and then not even get into the Marathon, she said, "You'll get in; don't worry about it." I trusted her. OK I had some moments of panic when I said, "But how? How will I get in?" and she just kept saying, "Don't worry. We'll get you in. Just keep training."

My angel told me she's always known I'd become a runner. Really? I didn't! She ran with me. She'd offer to meet me before a race for a pep talk. She made me feel like where I was at was good enough, like the training I was doing was solid. She told me I looked good running. She said I was doing it right. She kept me feeling positive, and motivated. I'm tell you all this because you need to know; a person cannot do this alone. A person who is going to uncover a dormant part of herself needs coaches and angels, and people who teach by example - and remind you to focus on the work, and not get caught up in the details. In this case, she handled the details for me.

When I didn't get in through the lottery, my angel called a friend with an important role at an important magazine, and asked if the pub would consider sponsoring me. I sent a note to the magazine, including my "story" and my rejection letter from the lottery, and got an encouraging note back; they liked my story and would consider putting me on their VIP list, granting me a number, and giving me access to VIP privileges on race day.

I waited patiently but every day that I didn't hear back, I struggled to stay motivated. My focus was spotty. My schedule called for longer distances and it's gotten hot in NYC. If I wasn't going to be running in this year's Marathon, did I have to be so miserable for so long so many times a week? I figured I'd wait a little while to really ramp up the training...

Yesterday I got the news - I am in!!! The magazine will sponsor me and I will receive my number from NYRR in mid-June. I felt a mixture of disbelief, excitement, fear, gratitude... and then within about 15 minutes a powerful blast of relief and desire to focus again. For me, there's great peace in knowing where I am going, where I belong, and what to expect. I now know. I have 5 rigorous months of training ahead of me. I will have the most idyllic race day one could possibly have thanks to some *cush* treatment from my sponsor. I can fund raise for charities I believe in! I can write again, and hopefully inspire some new people to get off the couch. If I am going to run the Marathon, you can train to run a mile. Do it out of solidarity! Get healthy. Healthy feels so good... It's remarkable. I want you to feel what I feel.

More than anything I hope you will take from this that when you work hard at something worthwhile, and share yourself with people who are sensitive and good, and who truly care about you, sometimes you don't have to worry about the details. They sort themselves out. And people come in and do for you what you can't do for yourself. It's their joy to support you, and be part of a transformation. There's a big payoff for people in my life right now. I am increasing my value by doing this. (Right, Erin?) So, who I am today is richer, better, more loving than who I was last fall. I'm not the only one who gets to enjoy that. The whole sandbox is a better place because I've got a D-tag on my shoe and I'm going to beat my 4 mile PR tomorrow at the Japan Race if it kills me!

Ran and walked around the lower loop today. 1.7 miles. It was hot as schweaty balls. There was a run/walk going on to support YAI and I snuck in and took a coconut water and bagel from the finish line. I hadn't brought anything to drink and hadn't eaten yet. I figured fainting at their event would bring negative attention so I was really doing YAI a favor by saving myself before anything like that happened. Then I went back to the treadmill in my building and ran 2 fast miles and spent about 30 minutes stretching.

I'm going to run in the 2010 ING NYC Marathon. For real. Lord help me there's a shit load of work ahead!

155: A Very Big Day

Today was a very big day... I got some news. That's all I'll say for now. Maybe I'll disclose it tomorrow. But here's a hint: there's no turning back now. I have got to train my little butt off!

156: Intertwined

It's chronic. Haven't run in 6 days. It's just so hot, and I'm tired, and other much more legitimate excuses; but I don't really feel like sharing.

I'll write about what the last month has been like sometime. Giving up writing might have been a mistake. With it went the discipline of running. The two really were intertwined. I had no idea how much.

157: National Running Day

OK, so, even though it's National Running Day, I didn't do any running today. I'm a bad role model. What can I say. But I'm not living to be an example to anyone so I suppose it really doesn't matter. Or does it?

158: Day of Rest

No running. Had to deal with a family issue from 5AM to 7PM. One of those days... Had hoped to get home and run tonight but, didn't walk in the door until after 10PM. Frustrating but, such is life.