Shock and Denial:
July... when I kept running. This couldn't be happening to me? I'm not even a real runner. Must keep going.
Pain and Guilt:
Ouch. Yes it is happening. And I did this to myself. I can't even blame anyone, or seek retribution. I might not run the marathon. After all this. Why didn't I ice after ever run, refrain from horsing around, and preserve myself for my one and only focus, running? I suck.
Anger:
Wait a minute? I am doing what everybody else does when they train for the marathon. How come I'm the schmuck who gets sidelined? Why me? Unfair! FML.
Bargaining:
Doctor #1 said stay off it. I did for a while but then I decided I'd better find a doctor with a different strategy. Doctor #2 said stay off it and go to physical therapy. No improvement, so I decided I'd better see a doctor with a different strategy. Doctor #3 said stay off it - no really - and don't try to bargain with me or you're never gonna get better, chicky. Bargaining over.
Depression and Sorrow:
Feeling punched in the stomach. Feeling grave disappointment. Feeling loss of the one thing I've been consistently working towards for the past year. What will I do now? What will happen? Will I be able to train again in September? I'm traveling half of September, and almost all of October, and then it's show time. Should my family buy plane tickets to come see me on November 7th or should I just accept the facts? It's over.
Testing and Reconstruction:
I can swim and I can run. I can do those two things like a mad woman, and fight to maintain my fitness level - maybe even build it in some ways. I could hold it together until I can run again; and then what I've done with the bike and pool will be my gateway to the next challenge, triathlons. Or I could just focus on writing, and turning this story into something salable. Or I could throw myself into work. They'd certainly like that and there's no shortage of interesting projects that could carry me through every weekend for the next 12 months... I could put running out of my mind entirely, like it never happened, and find something else to make my focus.
Acceptance:
In all the time I've been doing it, I've never felt so separate from running as I do today. It was just an activity, a phase, a way to pass time. It meant something of course while I was doing it, and I've learned so much along the way, and I'm genuinely sad that it isn't a part of my life at this moment; but, will I fill my time with other meaningful activities? Yes. Running never defined me. If it had, I'd be less of myself today, without it. Instead, I feel full and content, and proud of how far I have come. It added. It may still add when I get back at it; but who I am at my core is separate, and safe. I never became someone else ("a runner") I just ran.
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