Last night I set the alarm for 6:15 AM and programmed the coffee maker with a high octane espresso grade bean. It worked. I was out the door today by 6:45 (a little later than expected but... out!) and off to the gym to run.
When I arrived, I set the treadmill's timer for 45 minutes and planned to run 3 miles at whatever pace my body wanted. I was supposed to go 5 miles in total, but I knew intuitively that 3 would be enough. I had one Fruit Punch flavored Sport Bean to kick the event off! By far the most inspiring flavor... Just one does the trick.
I felt a lot of weakness in my knees and hips as I ran. In moments, I'd feel a sharp twinge of pain and think for a second I might collapse, but then I'd compensate by hopping up on that leg, or almost dragging the leg for a few steps, and that would help me recover. No idea what was causing that condition or how to remedy it.
Before the close of the first mile, I had to stop for a bathroom break. Annoying! I tried to run there and back within the treadmill's 30 second "pause button" window but didn't make it. So when I returned, I reset the machine for 30 minutes and hopped back on. By the end of mile 2 I was seeing black spots. I hadn't had breakfast... Here we go again, I thought! But it wasn't like I could stop and eat a meal at that point so I just popped another Sport Bean, sipped some water, and reduced my speed.
I picked the speed back up again for the last half a mile and noted how red I was, how tired, how uninterested in running. That weakness in my knees was troubling. And the black spots? Well I know what they're from but still, I kept hearing my mom's voice in my head from the night before, "Don't run! It's dangerous!" Maybe she was right - but half a mile to go? I could do that. I had to do that! I had to know if my sadness was from the stomach virus... or from the absence of running.
When the three miles was over, I walked for a few minutes on the treadmill and let myself feel accomplished. I also felt a chemical euphoria I can't remember having felt in a long time, or maybe ever, during this whole training. When I finally stepped off the treadmill, I felt like I was floating on air. It was lovely! I vowed to try to come back to the treadmill again tonight, after eating something, and maybe do 3 more miles. I'd need to do 6 more to fully catch up on the week's agenda. I really like the idea of running 6 miles tonight...
When I walked into work, everyone was asking how I felt. I told them the stomach virus seemed to be all gone, and announced, "I'm not sad any more!" And, that's the truth. That hollow feeling I had yesterday is totally gone. The running part of running was uncomfortable. It was really hard to get there... just to get the shoes on, figure out the outfit, remember what to bring. (In fact, I forgot my Nike+ gadget, forgot to eat, forgot how long it takes to go three miles.) But the rewards were also still there for me, the same as I guess they've been since I started - though I wasn't aware and appreciative to the degree I am now.
So how did I get by before I started to run? I guess, with a lot of emotional effort, and by bolstering myself with external boosts from people, food, entertainment, whatever! I just never realized it... Now I can say with some clarity that yes, I really do hate to run, but I hate the way I feel when I'm not running even more. Running is clearly the lesser of two evils... and I'm going to keep embracing it.
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