Day 129: Hollow

I'm still sick. I can't run. My stomach bug lingers; but if I had to guess, it does seem like it's on its last legs. The problem is, now there are other disruptive symptoms.

I just don't feel right. I feel kind of emotionally vacant and sleepy. My body temperature is too low; it's been 96 degrees for 2 days now. I'm cold and quiet. This isn't the normal me. I can't imagine these symptoms are related to the stomach virus, but nothing else is different in my life.

If I had to describe the way I feel in a word, I'd say I feel sad. Not boo-hoo sad; I'm not going to cry at all, I'm not ruminating. In fact, I can't think of a single specific thing to be upset about, but there's a kind of detached sadness I sense about myself, a hollowness in my head, a heaviness in my throat, a flutter in my heart. My hand shakes when I hold it out.

Just when I was wondering whether any of this was showing on the outside, a curious colleague approached me and said, "You look different from when you left for your trip." She made some guesses - was I thinner, blonder? No, no. She said she couldn't put her finger on it... She said, "You look really good, though! It's just... you look sad."

I'm curious to know if my stomach bug is depressing my immune system, and that's making me feel sad; or if the sadness comes from not running. I wasn't this sad before I started running! I think I need to get on the treadmill tomorrow morning no matter what - for my body - but also, for my mind. If that doesn't erase this hollow feeling then I'm going to go to the doctor and get tested for mono!