Day 128: The Little Picture

No running today. Still sick and tired. I'm kind of happy I can't run. I've lost my sense of purpose. The good feeling I have afterwards is nice of course but I can't remember why I thought this was a clever thing to do any more.

I can't remember how I used to manage to wake up in the morning and go running before work when it's so very nice to sleep until 7 AM. I can't remember how I ever put up with wearing hideous workout clothes, and jamming my feet into shoes with torturous orthotics. Was I losing weight at one time? Did I feel like I was making progress? Was I shattering my opinion of myself? Did I suddenly seem more interesting? All that - just a week ago?

I'm already starting to think about what major, ridiculous challenge I can take on next, once I finish this experiment. What would I really like to do that I think I can't do? How about paint? My dad was a painter. I've been scratching at it myself since I could hold a brush but have no skill. I've got magical images up in my mind's eye but when I try to put them down on canvas, they just splatter about. It's incredibly frustrating, especially knowing I've got some genetic predisposition to be able to do this, if you believe in that sort of thing - which I do.

What if I spent as much time each week painting and studying painting as I do running and studying running? I might be a master in a year! I might be able to express myself in pictures which really would be something quite satisfying for me! That's something I've wanted to be able to do all my life. As opposed to running, which I never wanted to do.

Oh, I know. I'm doing what I do. I'm being extreme. It isn't that running means nothing... It's that the big lesson I'm getting has a lot more to do with human capacity than it really specifically has to do with running. I'm sure I'll take this lesson with me forever after the year is done; but will I continue to run? I have no idea. Maybe not! Hmm... Maybe. I don't know. There definitely is an addictive quality to running. I always want to run again the day after I've run; but give me two days or (gasp!) three and I'm completely free of attachment!

I'm thinking way too broadly right now. I need to reign it in or I'm going to lose focus forever on this goal. I must start thinking about the little picture again - right now. The only question I will allow myself today is: "How do I make sure I run tomorrow?" Little picture. One day at a time. Half a day at a time if I need to. So many lovely distractions along the way. Even having a stomach virus seems like it might be nicer than having to run. I really hate to run.