It's a year today and I just got back from a 5 mile run in Central Park. It took me one hour and 30 seconds. Not exactly a record but I don't mind. I loved it; and as I came to the end, crossing almost exactly where I hope to cross one week from today, the marathon finish line, I cried.
Let me be clear. I still don't love to run. Those first two miles are always brutal for me. I'm complaining the whole time. Every step is an effort. My head won't quiet. I'm too hot, my stomach's upset, my foot hurts, my breathing is strained. The water bottle belt is riding up and cutting into my ribs. My foot begins to re-blister. My shoulders hunch and strain. My face burns in the sun. My Yurbuds slip out. My old reliable songs don't pump me up. There's a camel toe. Honestly, I torture myself.
But then, I calm down. I acquiesce. I notice the blue sky and the white clouds. Today, there were gorgeous russet leaves to marvel at, and the smell of fall complementing the horse manure along the route. New York City is in its glory right now; it's peak fall weather. Crisp, bright, fresh and dry.
I've been thinking about all the ways my life is different today than it was 365 days ago. My life is so much better! When I started this journey, I had no idea what I was in for. I thought it was just going to be a year about running and writing. I'd either improve or I wouldn't, and that would be the story.
But that wasn't all I got. I got a new body, new friends, a new wardrobe and a tan. I lost 10 pounds, gave away my cat, and moved to a mostly pescaterian diet. I haven't had a migraine in a year, or taken an Ambien to fall asleep. I date differently. I spend money differently. I spend my time differently. Even my family has changed. Where I was sad and angry at my mother last year for letting herself fall apart in every way; now I am grateful to her for showing me what happens if you don't take care of yourself. I got myself together, and now I'm stepping in and saving her, as much as I possibly can.
I did under perform in an area where I had some expectations. Frankly, I thought I'd improve at running more than I have in a year. Isn't that ironic? I thought after a year of training I'd be running in just a sports bra and briefs, athletic in every way, happily emaciated, 40 pounds lighter, injury free, the vision of physical strength. Not so much.
In reality, my speed has improved, but not by that much. My endurance has improved but mostly due to the hurdles I've made with my mind. I'm thinner but, other than my legs, I'm not sure anyone would peg me as marathon bound.
I'm not complaining, though. What I've got is "enough." I'm content with how it went, with the effort put in and the return on investment. I didn't get what I thought I'd get, but I got more than I expected, by staying in the moment and pressing forward.
In terms of advice, I say, walk through every open door that has something even minorly interesting on the other side. Just go. You'll figure out what it means eventually. It all fits into your journey and you can't grow if you don't move into new spaces. Everything happens in perfect timing but you have to look for the openings and move through them. That's on you.
Visualize what makes you happy, especially when you are unhappy, so that you will recognize good things when they come along and not hesitate to grab them. Accept love in whatever form it's offered. And know only one thing for certain, and assert it over and over to yourself, so you don't forget... That is, you have no idea what you are capable of or what's best for you until you let go of trying to look good, and trying to sound good.
Do not be so obsessed with your "plan" that you miss new data points. The prize might not be where you think it is. You might be wrong. Throw your rules away and just bend to smell the flowers right now, or the horse manure, exactly where you are. Feel what it feels like to be you, living your life. You need to know yourself, and be kind to yourself, before you can be truly connected to others.
Sometimes growth can be awkward. You can't know right away if pain is a sign that you should turn around and go back, or a sign that you're about to grow.
Remember "growing pains" when you were a kid? They're real, right? You'd lie on the bed and your mom or your dad would pull on your legs. It's the same for us now as grown ups. Our minds sometimes want to lengthen before our habits and conventions are ready. Notice this when it happens to you, and label it growing pains, tell friends what it feels like for you and let them pull you through.
That's been my secret to success this year. Being open about the growing pains, and letting friends pull me through. I wasn't sure I was a runner; but my friends told me I was. Now, it is realized. I've grown and I'll never be small again.
Whatever your dream, your inclination, your undiscovered destiny, I wish you speed in seeing the open doors already around you. Share your experience with others so that they can learn from you, and they can help you when you need it. You will need help. Walk into your future with confidence - or better yet, run.
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