Sometimes, you just have to go with things the way they are and not the way you want them to be. Today was supposed to be my big 11 miler, outside, but I'm pushing it off until tomorrow. I know this is going to screw my schedule up for the week, but it has to be done.
I've created so many obstacles for myself to running today, not the least of which is unexpected fatigue from intenSati yesterday. Plus, I woke up really late and feeling hung over, even though I shouldn't have, considering I barely drank and wasn't out that late last night. The runner is a delicate machine. You extract all the usual toxins when you're training - except my beloved caffeine, and then simply introduce a little bourbon-based mixology, and there's a cosmic meltdown. What's this? Mash-derived sport drink? Must absorb, quickly! Wait a minute... these aren't electrolytes... Let's dance!
I wouldn't say I've learned my lesson with this because I'm sure there will be many more Saturday nights when I ruin myself for a Sunday run. I'm really only letting myself have this pass because Monday's a holiday, and I can do the run then.
As I write this, I'm feeling so guilty. I'm feeling like I never planned to run today at all and now I'm blaming the liquor when the truth is, I'm not an amateur. Liquor is my business. I know how it works, what it does. I didn't really over-do it; I never over-do it. And I'm not really hung over! I'm just tired and slightly dehydrated, which is probably more about the soy sauce I put on my veggie dumplings last night than it is about Maker's Mark.
The truth, obviously, is that I don't want to run today. I'm more scared for 11 than I was for 9, and certainly for 10. 11 seems superhuman, which I am decidedly not. I'm afraid I'll fail. I'm afraid blisters, freezing sweat, boredom and a muddled sense of purpose will consume me on the trail and I'll simply quit someplace in the Park, unceremoniously, and crawl under a rock and die. Vday '10 will become the day I stopped running, stopped blogging, and succumbed to my greatest power - self sabotage.
I'm tempted to push myself out the door right now but, like a little "sabotage" insurance policy, I never even bothered to wash my outdoor clothes from last week... I could do it now but they are cold wash/hang dry, which wouldn't happen in time for a run in the sun. This is a good reminder that "resistance" has many levels, and may very well keep unfolding, maybe even getting worse, as Nov 7, 2010, approaches. There is something inside me that still, despite all the positives I see and feel from running, does not embrace the "privilege" with an open heart. I was feeling for the first time this week like I was a real runner, like there was no taking this away from me, and being a real runner somehow came with a little momentum, a shield against wavering. But I realize right now it's still going to be a daily battle, maybe even to the end because, when it comes to self-sabotage, I don't need any training. I'm a master.
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