126: Skinny Bitch

I’m sensitive. If you need 2 aspirins, I need one. A cup of coffee keeps me buzzing for an entire day. So it makes sense that the food I eat goes right into my bloodstream, metabolizes, and directly determines the octane rating of my day.

Compared to most Americans, I’ve always eaten very healthy. Nothing artificial, organic when I have a choice, and heavy on protein and good fats. I love animals but could completely suspend this when eating meat, even foie gras and veal. I don’t think it’s cruel to kill animals for food, even young animals. Music up: “The Circle of Life…”

All that said, this year I’ve been paying especially close attention to how things make me feel and it became undeniable that things like sushi, vegetables and whole grains left me feeling energized, whereas meat made me cloudy and tired.

I began taking the vegetarian option whenever it was an easy choice. I didn’t make a big thing about it, I just gently swapped things out when the opportunity was there. I liked it. My body felt better.

Then, I had a business trip to Mexico and seized the opportunity to absolutely gorge myself on chicken mole. I ate it twice daily for about 5 days and after a few months of a mostly vegetarian diet, the impact was noticeable. My brain went into a fog. I felt “dirty.” I don’t know how else to describe it. Then we had a big group dinner with more meat and I ordered a Mexican delicacy, ant’s eggs in hot butter. They were meaty and heavy and I just kept staring at those eggs on my plate and they looked like something you’d find in the corner of the garage and spray down, maybe even call an exterminator for… and I was done! Done with meat.

Right after that I went to a spa where the cuisine was predominantly vegetarian, plus fish, and I was in heaven. Everything was so delicious. Preparations were colorful, flavorful, healthy and respectful. I felt respectful. I felt physically good and – here was the big point of difference – I felt emotionally good. Nobody was harmed in the making of my dinner. I’m a loving being like we all are and part of being loving is the absence of hurting. Getting my needs met without breaking a neck gave me a higher level of meal satisfaction than I’d thought to seek.

Right after Mexico and the spa, I was home and looking to thin out my book collection. I few years ago a bunch of friends had raved to me about a book called Skinny Bitch. I’d smiled, “Thanks for the referral,” and thought to myself wow, my friends think I’m a wanna-be Upper East Side socialite? I got problems. I assumed a book with a title like that was about handbags, shoes, and how to achieve superficial bliss. Not interested! One of my more thinking friends eventually bought the book for me and I stuck it on my bookshelf and never thought of it again.

I turned the cover back and read a few pages before dropping it in the Housing Works bag, and ended up reading 50 pages before bed that night. The book isn’t at all what I’d thought it was; it’s about the American meat producing industry, an animal cruelty expose, and advocates veganism. (Oh yeah, and it says if you become a vegan you can’t help but become skinny…) A bunch of my friends are vegans or par vegans – they eat eggs, and some eat fish. The basic idea though of veganism is no meat, fish, eggs, or milk. Nothing derived from animals.

I finished the book in 2 days and began asking friends about it – the ones who had referred me to it previously. I was already eating vegetarian plus milk, eggs and fish. The idea of not being part of animal torture for an extended period of time – maybe even a lifetime – was exhilarating. It fits with who I am as a person. I do not support cruelty of any kind.

So, what about fish? I realize this may sound weird but, I don’t feel fish suffer the same way that other animals do. I can’t imagine a worker torturing a fish the way they regularly torture cows, pigs and chickens. A fish swims away if it can and gets caught if it can’t. Good luck, fish! May the best being win! Maybe it’s my competitive side…

So that distinction, coupled with the fact that my body loves fish, establishes a framework for how I’m living these days. I feel clean, energized and nourished after a sushi dinner. Oysters turn me on. Salmon is Omega heaven. Give me shrimp, Bubba.

So now, it’s been about 3 months, less the chicken binge in Mexico. I haven’t been talking about it to anyone because I hate when people make grand statements about who they suddenly are, or what they suddenly want, and then expect you to accommodate them. I didn’t want to be a hypocrite.

To be clear, I have no moral issue with meat-eating. I’d eat steak from a grass fed, hormone free, and humanely slaughtered cow any day! Yum… bring it on! Fresh chicken? I’ve never had it but I imagine a real chicken tastes awesome and chicken-y. I’m just not sure how or where one might buy this kind of stuff. I wish I knew because in moments, my body is really missing it. I think sometimes about my childhood friend Jenny Katz and how she slaughtered a chicken and wrote about the experience as a way to own her actions as a meat-eater. I’m not sure I’m ready for slaughtering; but buying from a mindful farm I could do.

Vegetarianism… or really, pescetarianism, in my case, hasn’t always been easy. For the first 10 days I had diarrhea, constantly. I couldn’t understand it! I decided my body was just purging all the toxins from meat. Not sure if that was true but it made me feel better. During that time, I thought of meat almost obsessively. Sometimes I’d glance down at my own forearm and have the urge to bite into it. Then one day, I was crossing 57th street and a French bulldog was in front of me, it was brindled, and I had the passing thought, “That dog would taste good with BBQ sauce.” So, I’m not cured of the desire; just managing for optimal expression.

I’m done eating cruel meat, hormone-riddled, cortisol-flushed meat from animals who died under stress, weeks prior to my purchasing it. I don’t respond to it in a positive way. I believe that, based on my continuing cravings for meat that if I were to consume healthy meat, I’d have a positive response; but for now, since that’s not an option, I’m happy to be living my values in a genuine way.

I do believe we are what we eat and I love myself more that I’ve found a way to live closer to my values. I’m cruelty-free, in mind and practice. If that makes me a Skinny Bitch, so be it! (Fingers crossed.)