112: Fact or Phantom?

I'm starting to feel really scared. My toe is not better. In fact, there are moments when it hurts more now than it did a week ago. I can't imagine running on it. I feel panic, like, what if I'm losing muscle tone every day, and coming back is going to be too hard. I also worry that I'm full of shit.

What if all this is in my mind, and I'm really just a lazy slug who found an excuse to quit? I know the power of my head. I'm good! I can divert like a pro. Anything is possible.

I was scheduled to run a 4 mile race today. I'd been looking forward to it. I saw a running friend last night, though, and she convinced me to think of the long term ramifications of possibly interrupting the healing process. It didn't make sense for me to race. I hear the race was super hot and brutal today... but that the shirts were pretty good. All day I've been thinking about how much I wish I'd been able to participate.

So, which is it? I want to run? ...or I don't want to run? I don't know. I'm all mixed up. Of course I don't want to run. Running's hard, and it's hot out, and I'm not progressing very fast. But then again, running has been my #1 joy this year, and has given me more than any other single activity has in my life! So, of course I want to keep going. I want to complete the marathon. It's only 3 months away. The opportunity to achieve my dream is actually approaching! How could I let go of the rudder now?

If my toe pain is phantom, then I am making the biggest self-sabotaging move of my life at the moment! I just don't know. Part of what makes me suspicious is that as much as I'm loving biking, I didn't make time for it today. Yes, I went to a bike shop and started to survey the equipment I'm going to need... but shopping isn't exercising. If I really cared about running, I'd have done what the doctor told me to do, and I'd have gone biking today on the stationary bike - for at least 10 miles. I'm suspicious. Very suspicious.

Tomorrow I am going to see my first triathlon ever. Melissa has asked me to go and support her and it will be my greatest joy to see her in her glory! She asked me to run with her on the West Side and then again on the East Side of the Park, in the last leg of her Olympic challenge at the New York City Triathlon. Now, Melissa is fast! Her 10K pace is around 8:40. So I'm not going to be able to run with her unless I really put my all into it. I will try my best and if it hurts, and I can't do it, I'll just wave from the sidelines. And if I can, well then, daylight will shine on whatever phantoms may be lurking behind this torn toe capsule.