I considered pushing this tidbit under the carpet but decided not to. Why start to try to "look good" now? I'm real.
I ate meat! Literally the day after I came out of the pescaterian closet here, I did it. I ate steak. Not organic steak, or grass fed steak; it was steak from the Stop & Shop. Probably as cruel, hormone-riddled, and drenched in cortisol as a steak can get. It was grilled on a BBQ though, and I don't get that kind of treat too often... I only took a bite but it was amazing - maybe the best steak I've ever had! I've been dreaming of that taste since April! I had to really fight myself not to take more.
Truth be told, my tummy felt a little bit upset afterward. I'm just not used to it I guess. But that aside, the moment of consumption was memorable in a positive way. Holy even. The way the meat was browned and juicy, and so flavorful! That steak was nothing like the greying roast beef I stared down at and literally cried over once during a meditation retreat in 2003. It was glistening and delicious.
So where does my conscience go in a moment like that? I don't know the answer to that question.
To add to my transgressions, immediately after eating the steak I went outside and watched my friends take a knife to live lobsters. I figured, if I intended to eat those creatures later, the least I could do was respectfully observe their slaughter, and assure myself it was done humanely. I've seen lobsters get dropped into a pot of boiling water before, but never the knife to grill method. I asked whether the lobsters could feel it. "Of course they can feel it!" the guys said! Stupid, Michelle. Why had I been so sure the answer to that would be no?
Before killing the lobsters, we took photos of them, as if they were trophies we'd caught ourselves from the sea, and not bought with a credit card at a store. Four big ones totaling 21 pounds. They seemed mature. Did they know each other or were they new acquaintances thrown into this tangle together? Did they want a last meal? Algae perhaps? What do lobsters eat anyway? Do they have families? I started to feel a little uncomfortable and one woman came out and said, "Don't watch!" but I knew I had to.
The lobsters were placed on a low table from which they urgently tried to crawl away. It was like herding cats. Every time we'd put one back on the table, another would awkwardly manage to get off in the opposite direction. They knew something very bad was about to happen. I started to give them voices in my head, and even aloud, "Oh crap! This doesn't look good! Pray for a miracle! So the legend is true..." I imagined one of them looked me in the eye and implored. I briefly had visions of running them back down to the ocean. I had to remind myself I'm a grown up and grown ups don't do irrational things like that when they're guests at someone else's house. Plus, I love eating lobster! What would we have for dinner? I tried to focus on this being part of "The Circle of Life" and all that but could feel myself starting to sweat. At least they'd be killed quickly. Fine, they'd feel it, but only for a second. We all have our tsuris!
Three guys were going to do the killing. There was a glove to hold them down with, a pan to catch the blue blood if it spurted out, and a medium size butcher's knife. Our host went first and demonstrated the technique. It was significantly more barbaric than I'd thought it would be and the lobster fought back and wiggled the entire time. He was actually still wiggling after he was cut straight down the middle and carried to the grill. I asked, "That's just the nerves still firing, right?" but nobody answered me.
When it was time for the second lobster to go on, guy #2 stepped in. There was a level of excitement in the air. #3 was looking on and turned back to me and said, "I've never killed my dinner before." #2 talked the instructions out before starting; the host nodded his approval and said, "You can do it!" It sounded like #2 knew what he was supposed to do; but then when he attempted the first cut, the lobster proved stronger than he'd expected and wiggled away. I told myself this was a rite of passage for #2, and yes, the lobster was suffering unduly this time, but if #2 got it right then all future lobsters dying at his hand would have an easier time of it. I felt my blood pressure rise. I wanted the expert, #1, to get in there and put the animal out of its misery but he didn't - he just kept coaching #2 while #2 exclaimed over and over again, "This is hard!"
#3 had the advantage of knowing it was going to be hard and so he went in with purpose. He struggled too, but seemed a bit more serious about it and that made me feel better. Still, #3's lobster was never fully stabbed to death and went onto the BBQ flailing full out. I mean, that thing was totally not dead. Nobody said anything. #3 actually commented to me later that he thought his wasn't really dead when it went on the grill... "I don't think so either," I said quietly. You know. Tell it like it is. You did your best but you made that animal suffer.
So, the lobsters were served and they were amazing... the best lobsters I've had in my life! So fresh. So yummy. And in a weird way, even though it was very traumatic for me to watch the slaughtering, as usual, I was totally able to suspend that negative experience and just enjoy the food. In fact, I do think it made me enjoy it more, and also appreciate the men who actually worked really hard to kill the lobsters. Strange feeling and I'm not sure how I feel about it all. But I am grateful for the new understanding I'm gaining about the food I eat. I think we're so distanced from our animal core and studying food is one way in.
No comments:
Post a Comment