98: Vitamin D

About a year ago I got very interested in vitamins. My cousin Ed has referred for years to some study he read in which a group of nurses were followed over their entire lifetimes; one group took a multi-vitamin daily, and the other did not. At the end, the vitamin enhanced group were significantly more healthy and disease free than those who skipped the step. Conclusion? Just do it.

I read a little bit about minimums I should target and concluded I needed a multi-vitamin, and E, calcium and D supplements. Subsequently I added biotin, a flax-derived omega blend, and iron. I forget to take them a lot. When I'm really run down, I try to remember more; and when I'm traveling I go with a Zip-loc full. Every few months I'll take a batch of Bio K+ probiotic drinks for a week. I'm doing that right now and it's mind-blowing how "digestion" is everything. Seriously.

About a month ago, I was alarmed to learn I should be taking B-12 supplements to make up for all the meat goodness I was missing. So, now I also take 2000 mcgs of B-12 daily, in a delightful raspberry flavored chewable format.

I have positive associations with vitamins. As a kid, I'd get very excited every morning when my mom would dole out my daily Tri-Vi-Flor vitamin - pink, orange or purple. Some kids got Flintstones but I didn't care that mine were generic, or prescription, not sure which, because they were delicious! My grown up vitamins aren't so delicious and sometimes they make me nauseous, frankly, if I haven't had enough to eat with them. But the B-12 brings me back... candy in the morning!

So I've got a cabinet full of bottles that I deplete gradually and inconsistently. I ran out of the D vitamins a few months ago and never replaced them. Vitamin D is a hot topic at the moment. It wards off cancer and prevents all kinds of disease. The NYT just did a piece on it. The net is, as human beings, we evolved with a dependence on sun exposure and the D we get from food is OK, but not really enough. It's only possible to get what we really need with 20 minutes of exposure to the skin. What about people who live in places with a long, dark winter? Well here's a weird thing... It's apparently possible to bank the time during a long summer of over-exposure, and it'll last for months. I can't even begin to understand how a body can bank vitamins in July that last through a rainy March. I can't get my nail polish to last 5 days. We are pretty neat machines.

So, in addition to running's having given me my first escape from eternal pastiness, and mood enhancement from endorphins and sunshine; it's also brought me exposure to life-saving vitamin D. I think I was probably deficient for years! Oh, to think of the dark decade when I just sat inside working, traveling, not taking vitamins, and doing whatever I was doing being dead to the world - and to myself. Anyway, I'm glad I've woken up.

I tried very hard to stay still today. I did go out briefly with a friend but didn't exert myself (or get much sun!). I tried so hard to sleep late today too, but was up at 4am, 7am, and finally at 9am. So much for my big day of sleeping in! I just really need to recover from last week. I over-did it. I'm still really sore and achy in all my parts today and I'm about to go to sleep. 9PM on a Saturday night. I'm telling you, this is not how I imagined this story was going to end when I started it all back in November of 2009. Not at all!

My foot feels ouchy still. I will ice, heat and stretch it again before bed tonight. Hope it holds up on my run tomorrow. Ten miles minimum... and maybe 12, if I can take it! My day off is coming to a close. It's been sweet! I'd be lying if I said I was psyched to go for a big run tomorrow; but let me sleep on in.

99: Bottles of Beer on the Wall

No beer tonight. I just felt like writing that. I spent the night at the gym. Yep, I'm a rockin' single with zero social life at the moment! Might as well let you know how it really is.

First, I took an hour of ErinSati and it was brutal. Erin was doing some filming of the class so she was extra energized and extra punishing. The room was packed and it got hot quickly. Plus, there were tons of men, which I'm not used to. They are so big and jump so high, and punch with so much power. It made me work harder. Not that the gals (and guys) in my regular class are sissies by any means! But there's something about a 6' tall beefy jock that can be, well, inspiring...

I stopped and drank water 3x during class, which I never do. At the end, Erin said, "Shabbat Shalom!" which I thought was cute. I think if you can't make it to Temple on a Friday night, ErinSati's a fine alternative route to the divine! I happen to have had my Chai (lucky #18 in Hebrew) necklace on tonight, my grandmother's stud earrings from the early 1900s, and my grandfather's watch chain wrapped around my wrist during class. Not sure why, I was feeling like I needed a little extra help from my ancestors today. Who knows, maybe it worked. I wasn't hit by a bus.

After class, I headed up to the treadmills and started on my 4 mile assignment. Since I was at Equinox because of class, I focused on the amenities to cheer myself up. I took a cold, wet eucalyptus towel from a fridge and walked on the treadmill for 10 minutes, to try to calm down from intenSati, and transition mentally to the new task at hand. The air was cool and I could watch whatever TV I wanted. Bliss.

Kind of foolish to have thought I'd be able to pull a proper run off, but I gave a noble effort. The plan was 2 miles, then a walk break, then 2 more miles. But after the first two, my legs were burning from hip to toe, and my right foot was in pain. After 22:43, or 2 miles, I put myself out of misery and packed it in.

I stretched for a long time to try to ease the burning. (I'm still a bit jelly-like as I write this, 2 hours later.) Then I went down into the changing room and took a long, hot shower using all the nice products, then a steam, conditioning my hair, and then another shower. You know if anyone does ask me out for a future Friday night and I want to politely decline, I guess I could say, "Sorry, I have to wash my hair," and that wouldn't be such a lie after all.

I'm beyond exhausted right now. I'm going to bed and for the first night since May, I am not going to set an alarm. Tomorrow is mine for doing absolutely nothing. I don't have to help anyone, or run, or work, or travel. I can just be me, and plotz around, and probably watch four back-to-back episodes of "Mad Men." I might cook. Not because I have to, because I like it. Maybe I'll take the car out and do a run to Target for marginally cheaper household goods and basic clothes. Yes, I buy my clothes at Target. Some of them. Or maybe, I'll buy a puppy. (Just checking to see if you were still reading...)

100: Already?

I've been thinking of this day for months now, and here it is. I can't believe it. Where has the time gone? Quite unceremonious, unfortunately, in reality.

Busy work day. Too much to do. In too many places at once. No energy at the end of it all for the 4 mile run and speed work on my schedule. Instead, I'm indulging in a yummy green salad and quinoa from Whole Paycheck, and a probiotic drink, watching a little TV, and then I'm going to crash.

Maybe I'll run before work tomorrow? Big question mark there. I haven't run in the morning before work in months and months. Doesn't mean I can't start it up again; but there's also the foot flaring up again. I stepped on it the wrong way today and it "popped." Now it's burning on the joint where I initially injured it. Really upsetting. I guess we'll see how it feels tomorrow.

101: Advice About Dirty Laundry

Today was supposed to be a day of total rest and recovery but I couldn't skip ErinSati. At least as much as the workout, I truly love being with my Sati crew. I'm doing it three times this week! Class reminds me that, right now, I am exactly where I need to be - with running, and with everything. I learn something new every single day, more than I could possibly document here. It's all as it's meant to be, unfolding in perfect timing.

I have a lot of new equipment I haven't told you about. Swimming gear, running gear, sneakers and a thing to roll tight muscles out. I've stopped adding up how much this is all costing me. Now I just take receipts and drop them in an accordion folder I set up to manage my running life. At the end of the year I'll look and gasp! For now, as long as there's money left each month to pay my rent I'm not going to worry about it. I'm also not being frivolous. I'm only buying what I need; though I must admit, my needs have gotten bigger than I'd have imagined they would.

As I progress, the way I want my clothes to fit has changed. I'm literally wearing things out. I remember when the doctor told me I should replace my shoes every 6 months to a year, and that seemed like an eternity! I'm 9 months in... and my best shoes are getting pretty scrappy. I wear them all the time now because the #2 pair (the "Flash Gordons," remember those?) really isn't as good. And I notice the difference with every step.

I've had to buy more socks and the good ones are really expensive, like, $12 a pair. But it's worth it. I'm obsessed at the moment with a kind of triathlon sock by BALEGA! I honestly can't tell you what exactly makes them so amazing to run in; but they do make a difference. I can't believe I ever ran in cotton anklets that come in a pack of 12!

I'd like to say that for some items the cheaper version turns out to be better, but unfortunately, that hasn't been the case. I have found ways to order things online and save 10-50%; but there isn't much I'd recommend at this point that you could buy at a regular drug store or on the cheap. I really regret to have to say that. The only thing I can think of is Vaseline. You can use that instead of Body Glide; actually, I prefer it to Body Glide on my feet; but for arms and inner thighs, BG is a bit less cumbersome.

Oh wait! There is one thing you don't need to even try! They make some special "anti stink" anti microbial laundry detergent which is supposed to be the most effective way to kill germs on workout clothes. Back in the day, I was washing my clothes in cold or warm water and hanging them to dry then, thinking that would preserve the life and look of the fabric. The detergent wasn't really doing its job so I thought I'd give it a try. Not helpful. Workout clothes need to be washed in HOT water with good soap (Tide if you like P&G and Wisk if you prefer Unilever). Don't mess with anything less, and when you're done washing, full dry cycle. Sure, that means your clothes are going to shrink and fade. So buy a bigger size to start out and don't be such a fashion plate! :) Matchy-matchy is totally lame anyway! Whatever you do, don't be a sucker. If you want to be a runner, you're going to be doing a LOT of laundry. The best and only way to kill germs is with soap and heat.

I'm happy to say that my foot is feeling a little better. I learned from a new expert that what I may be dealing with is actually scar tissue now, not the injury. That's why the nature of the pain has spread from the joint (where the tear happened) to the arch and rest of the foot. I can treat scar tissue with ice and heat and specific range of motion exercises. We shall see but I think I'm going to be all right.

102: 3M and Speed Work

My energy has returned. If you have a baby, you give all your focus over to monitoring its sleep, digestion, mental and physical stimulation. Sometimes we forget to parent ourselves for a little while and really, it always catches up. Human basic needs don't change from the time we are infants. We just stop paying attention to them.

I finally stopped the madness, got to bed, and let the excesses of the past two weeks exit my system. No amount of running was a match for potatoes fried in duck fat! And yes, duck is fish. Duck swims in the water. When will you ever learn! No amount of water would flush out a daily dose of grits. And it seems, I do require more than 4 hours of sleep a night on average. Now the piper has been paid and I can get on with healthy living.

Today I ran three EASY miles. You know, they're always saying in the training schedule to run this or that many "easy" miles and it pisses me off. It isn't easy! Well, today it was. Not saying I didn't sweat myself into a messy lather, I did; but it wasn't hard. And my foot didn't hurt much. I also did my first ever "speed work." The plan called for me to run 4 x 80 meter sprints after I ran the 3 miles, with breaks between each, but I didn't remember that correctly and instead ran 4 x 160 meter sprints, at the 1 mile marks, while I was running, without breaks. Oh well! I hope that, in this case, more will be more!

I can't tell you how much better I feel right now. I've also decided fairly certainly that I am going to take the NYRR running course. That's the one that's more expensive and inconvenient in every way. Don't ask. It's what my gut's telling me to do. How can I ignore that?

103: 2M & intenSati

I was up at the crack of dawn to take JolynnSati this morning at the Equinox by my apartment. I'm not a member any more but Jolynn got me a pass so I could take her class. So strange to descend down into that subterranean cave where I once belonged. A lot has happened to me there. Bad trainers. Crowded classes. Expensive massages. Extended sauna and steaming when I was sick. Sure, I used the equipment too, but not that much.

I was pretty lame in JolynnSati because I was so tired; but I did the best I could. After that, I forced myself to the treadmill for two miles of running. It's the first day of my online marathon training course by Training Peaks. I've been eagerly anticipating this day for weeks now and I wasn't going to do what my heart wanted (and go back to bed!) and risk getting off to a bad start. I'm determined not to sabotage myself - at least yet! So, I did it. And for that, I am VERY proud of myself. That took a tremendous amount of willpower.

I motivated myself with the promise of a long, hot shower afterwards, and maybe even a steam... Since I quit the gym, Equinox has been spruced up a lot. Nice of them to finally put my membership money to good use! The showers have been converted to Italian marble and now sport caddies filled with premium Kiehl's shampoo, conditioner and shower gel. In the locker room, they have Kiehl's rich body lotion. What a treat!

By the time I walked out of the gym, I felt more like I'd just been to a spa than had a workout! It made me consider joining again. Just having a place to go when it's super hot out, or raining, or snowing, or I just need to feel pampered... How have I trained to this point with just my tiny 3-treadmill gym to go to - that closes at 8PM on some nights. I know I've been determined to do this running thing as cheaply as possible, but maybe I've gone too far. Could running and training actually feel... fun, and like an indulgence? Hm... Not sure what to do.

I got my number in the mail today for my first long training run, which will be on Sunday. That's 6-20 miles, sponsored by the NYRR Organization. It isn't a timed event, but there will be fluids on along the route, medical assistance, etc. Wait, maybe it is timed. I don't know. I'm just taking this all one day at a time right now. If I think about how soon November 7th is, and how much I need to improve in 103 days, it's too scary. Better to live a little in denial at this point.

104: Crash!

I've been sitting here in my apartment wondering what to do. I planned to run 10 miles today but I lack the energy and my injured dog is barking something awful. I was out all night last night, dancing in high heels; and that pretty much pushed me over the edge. Sometime around 4AM I looked down at that egg and cheese biscuit in my hand and realized, time to go home.

I'd call myself out if I thought skipping my long run today were resistance manifesting, but, I don't. I think I'm reasonably exhausted from nearly two straight weeks of traveling for work and sleeping no more than 5 hours a night - and just 3 hours last night - before having to wake, shower, and put on a show every day. I managed to run 16 miles this week. That was no small feat. I'm pretty impressed with myself for that! And, it doesn't help that it's hot and raining back here in NYC right now and I'd have to do tonight's long run indoors in my crowded gym that closes at 8PM.

Enough is enough. I'm going to soberly put my health and well being first immediately, since I can. I need to have a night when I take my makeup off completely before bed, and sleep for 9 hours, and am not interrupted by flocks of party people weaving through the hall, or tuba notes blowing up from the street.

I'm worried of course that I'll fall behind, but, as I see it, there really isn't a choice. All I'm capable of right now is unpacking, maybe doing some laundry, and ordering in Chinese. I always feel the urge to order Chinese, or maybe Zen Palate, when I'm exhausted beyond comprehension. Chinese, on the sofa, watching TV, and doing nothing else. Such a happy and restorative dream... Can I go there tonight? Really? Really, I can?

It's not like I'm planning to keep slacking. I've already laid my clothes out for tomorrow's two workouts. I'll be doing JolynnSati with a guest pass at Equinox at 6:30AM, after which I'll use the treadmill to run my two miles assigned by Training Peaks. I still haven't decided which training program I'm going to follow religiously over the next three months. Two have started already, one starts next week, and the fourth the week after. Kind of stressed about this decision, still. Maybe I'll meditate on it tomorrow.

105: 2M and Counting

My iPod's not responding to any of the emergency resuscitation techniques I know so I headed to the gym today hoping to find something interesting on the TV to distract me. My luck, the only available treadmill had a broken ear jack. I watched closed captions of the local news and pretended the blooming hurricane graphics were about some place other than here.

I'm flying tomorrow. If there's a hurricane, and I get grounded, I'm going to have to figure something out about my ten mile run tomorrow. No way I can do it without an iPod, or better air. I swear I will go across to the Walgreen's and buy my own fan and prop it up there in that gym. Hopefully, I'm getting ahead of myself... 50% of my colleagues changed their flights to get out early. It isn't looking good.

My two miles this morning were moderately challenging from an energy perspective (no breakfast, no sleep) and the foot was a bitch. For the first full mile I was wincing with pain. It only got easier when I let myself get lost in thoughts about the rain, about how I'm going to try to find a poncho and umbrella later. Then I hit a wall.

Every step for the last half mile required a concerted effort. By the last 400 meters (or quarter mile) I had to start counting my steps to keep going. I take 530 steps every quarter of a mile. I wonder how many steps I'd take if I had a bigger stride, or were running barefoot, or were an inch taller.

Counting's generally considered a bad practice in things like meditation because it takes you out of the moment, and out of the "feeling" part of being alive. In running, that's exactly why I use it! I've counted 16 miles so far this week. 10 to go.

106: 4M Payback and Forward

Still in Louisiana. So hard to tear myself away from all things NOLA to enter the workout room and pay my dues. Did it today with a colleague and just loved running side by side on those treadmills. So much more motivated to keep going when someone you care to impress a little is watching! Also, my iPod is busted and my colleague lent me his. Bless his heart!

I payed my two mile debt back from yesterday and paid two miles forward for tomorrow. Nice! Very pleased with myself. The foot hurt intermittenly in sharp bursts and I just ran through it. I tried kind of stretching the arch out with a deeper step when it hurt but that didn't help. No idea what I'm supposed to do about this issue. Just going to keep going. I don't seem to be making it worse. If I had to run 26.2 miles with it as it is now, I suppose I could. Just pretty unpleasant.

I'm supposed to run 10 miles tomorrow and two Sunday (since I did two extra today); but I'm going to swap the plan so I'm doing my long run at night in New York when I'm back. One isn't in New Orleans every day and I really want to make the most of my time here. There's a WWII museum I'd like to see, a Pimm's Cup to be found, and I can't get enough of walking the music filled streets taking it all in.

107: 2M and Petanque

It's New Orleans where the rules don’t apply. Here, jazz replaces sleep. Absinthe hydrates before a run. And yes, alligator is a kind of fish.

I'm not eating meat but how do you say no to southern fried alligator? It swims in the water. Therefore, it must be fish. Don't tell me otherwise. I'm happy living my lie. And if my real reason for staying away from meat is that I don't want to be involved in potential cruelty to animals well then I'm totally fine with alligator meat because I'm pretty sure an alligator don't take shit from anybody. Ever.

As for the other things I've eaten and imbibed... oh honey you have no idea! It's a hot, delicious mess down here in the armpit of America. Frankly, some of it's a blur at the moment because who has time for sleeping; but let me bring you some highlights and an excuse for only running 2 miles today on the treadmill. I just... could not do all this, and work, and find a moment to brush my hair... and spend that extra half hour at the gym.

I'll make my missing 2 miles up tomorrow on what was supposed to be my day off. I should say though - the run today sucked. Not only was I tired physically, but the toe problem has become the foot problem... The pain goes all up in my arch now. At one point I was limping as I ran. I'm pretending it isn't happening. It will go away. I am fine. So, on to the righteous distractions.

Couchon gave me triple tail fish. Triple tail due to genetic modification? I don't know. I don't care. Three tails are better than one. Trust moi. And they gave me grits, eggplant, ice wine and blueberry cobbler to die for. Oysters at Acme. Baked. How else, love? And a Maryland soft shell crab. Bayona treated me to the best shrimp I've had in my life, and my mate had what looked like it must have been a memorable hot duck and peanut butter sandwich. What? You say you prefer Fluff with your Skippy? Well, let me tell you, because apparently nobody else has yet, you are a peasant. Duck's the way to go (or so she says).

Beefeater's "Alice in Wonderland" party last night was magically stocked with a bevy of the best tea party libations I've ever had... and top hats. We don't wear top hats enough really, do we? Post gin gig, there was a mansion party in the Garden District where I tried a strawberry cobbler that knocked my sandals off nearly as much as the eclectically decorated Southern socialite's home borrowed for the party. Money's a funny thing. You can do so much with it, or nothing at all. New Orleans folk don't seem afraid to splash it out loud and roll around in the colors that please them. They live full out.

I want live jazz in the garden every night! Why not. I want more dancing at dinner. I want flowers hanging from my balconies and Cajun cream cheese on my everything. And once more in my life a dinner like the one I had tonight, care of Audrey Saunders. Come there with me now, y'all?

Sparkling Cherry Bounce; Greenmarket Melonball: gin, muddled cantaloupe, Calpico, lemon juice and absinthe; Golden Watermelon Gazpacho with cucumber-Mississippi goat cheese ravioli and Filipino sea salt; Intro to Aperol: gin, Aperol, lemon juice, pineapple syrup, Angostura and mezcal mist; Shrimp on Shrimp on Grits; Madeira Martinez: Madeira, gin, pomegranate, honey, Angostura, bay leaf; Black Mustard BBQ Lamb Dumpling (skipped): with summer squash slaw and house made pickles (yum); Michelada (yuck); Annatto Chimichuri Flat Iron Steak (skipped): with Yukon gold potato tamales and mole steak sauce (yum); Blame it on Rio: cachaca, Kahlua, sweet vermouth, Angostura; and Cornbread Pain Perdue.

Today would have been a good day to have burned some extra calories... So, even though I'm really quite tuckered, I'm going to head out again now for some midnight Petanque. No sense in trying to sleep, anyway. There's a jazz band playing right now outside my window. Not gonna be able to sleep no matter what might be good for me! So I'm headed into a sand court in the street to throw metal balls at each other and get my second workout of the day.

108: 4M Escape from Tuba

Here in New Orleans, all day and night the sound of brass instruments dances through the air. Even when you might like a little silence. Like, say, in the afternoon when you're trying to slip in a one hour disco nap. Or after hours, when in places other than New Orleans, people might think of sleeping.

One respite from the constant din of tuba and trombone is the gym, positioned up high on the penthouse floor, totally enclosed, and insulated by the white noise effect of air conditioning, fans and my own iPod's sound track. I ran 4 fairly easy miles there on Wednesday, without stopping, and with occasional, sharp foot pain. The foot isn't getting better but I'm not sure it's getting worse.

My time was pretty slow. I ran most of it at 5.2 or 5.6 mph. My heart rate hovered around 150, anyway. My body's tired. 4 more miles to be run on Thursday. Sure wish I could do it outside in the Garden District, or along the Bayou, but it's too hot out there. Much better to go out and see the city through all the events I get to attend down here. NOLA is quite a fascination.

109: 4M in New Orleans

I'll bet someone at the Lutheran Youth Group head office is going to get fired over this. I'm in New Orleans this week for the spirit industry's premiere insider trade show, Tales of the Cocktail, and we're sharing the hotel tonight with a few hundred of Jesus' most devoted teens, here for a Christian youth conference. You really couldn't pick two more opposite groups to occupy a space.

Everywhere you go there are throngs of giggly, pimply, eager youths holding booklets that say "Jesus Saves," pouring in and out of the elevators, flanking the pool, and standing on the front steps. We were told we - the evil doers - had booked the entire hotel for the week but apparently that doesn't start until tomorrow. So for now, chaperoning moms in headbands will have to keep averting their eyes, and likely using the masses of tattooed, Hawaiian shirt clad, bearded, hat wearing "freaks" surrounding their precious treasures as examples of what could happen to you if you were to go astray!

Me? I'm somewhere in the middle. Not into Jesus, as you know, but spiritual in my own way and not against organized religion because I think for those who aren't as maybe independent and curious as someone like I am, it's a way to get some of the benefits of spirituality, without too much downside. I mean, there were the wars... and the concentration camps... but today's religious right in the U.S. (or at least the Lutheran teens sharing the gym with me today) seem pretty harmless. Live and let live. Isn't that the foundation that New Orleans seems still to be based on today? A city mired in racism, and yet everyone, even those on the down side of it, seems sort of OK with it.

I ran 4 miles at the gym this afternoon, overlooking the Bayou, after counting boxes in an oven of a warehouse. The gym was air conditioned, and had a fan, and I used the fan built into the machine, but it was still hot. I drank a liter of water - no joke - in 49 minutes. My toe-related foot pain came and went, and was worrisome, as was my mental and physical fatigue. I've lost ground. No place to go but up. Not going to let work get in the way of my training this week. 4 more miles tomorrow and the next day, and then 10 on Saturday. Keep me accountable, will ya? Because beignets, the pool, and bottomless free cocktails are going to pose a mighty distraction!

Back at ya tomorrow, y'all.

110: Murakami's Mind

Last night I started Haruki Murakami's book, What I Talk About When I Talk About Running. It's a memoir by a regular novelist who documents quite plainly what running is like for him, why he does it, and the impact the sport has had on his life.

I've had this book on my infamous pile for 7 months. Jolynn gave it to me as a gift. So thoughtful! (Only, I really hate to run so why would I want to read a book about running? I left it lying... I can be kind of a knob sometimes.) Thankfully, I was drawn to it last night and so began a new literary love affair.

I'm not sure what I want to say to you about this book yet. From the title and cover art, I imagined it would be one part "how to" and another part autobiography. I'd learn a little bit about pacing or something, and get a peek at the life of a strange 60 year old Japanese man. But what I found instead is that this is actually a book about me.

Murakami's prose is so pure, his style so completely devoid of embellishment, that all that's left on every page is the richest essence of human experience. He's at once foreign and of me. I can see myself from the other side of the glass. I don't know if this would be true for you too, but I think so, and I would like to know. I can't wait to discuss this book with other runners, especially ones who write.

Is running also your hour away from people, in silence, thinking of nothing in particular but thinking all the while? In sharing about running do you try so very hard to put it plainly, to document, to be fair in your reports - but then ultimately create a style (or a voice, in my case) that's far more compelling than the content therein? Do you run because you like beer, and eating? Do you love that running has made you live a healthier life, and made you appreciate the morning? Has running forced you to prioritize your life like a grown up might? Even though you were clinging to the idea that you could wiggle about as you pleased and live a fulfilled life doing it your way, totally rejecting discipline?

Have you been shocked to learn that what you thought was selfishness is actually a higher order kind of generosity - that you can give more if you're happy and well? Murakami doesn't say all these things but I know he would, because I do, and I am he. In the strangest way, hearing him is like hearing my own voice singing on a tape recorder and realizing for the first time that I can sing, even as I've been singing all along. I just couldn't hear it. Read Murakami and see yourself, and hear yourself, in the rigid patter of his report. This is a ride into a mind that you don't want to miss.

111: Fact (2M Run, 10M Bike)

Sorry to say, the toe injury is a fact. It's a bit mysterious, though. Let me tell you what happened.

I headed out this morning at 8:15 AM to stand on West 72nd Street and wait for Melissa to burst forth after the biking portion of her NYC Triathlon. She'd asked me to run a mile with her on the West Side, then cross over to the East Side and run another mile with her down Cat Hill. It REALLY helps you when someone runs with you for a half mile or so in a race. They're fresh as a daisy, and that, coupled with some good old fashioned cheerleading, is uplifting. Melissa's been there for me on many races and I wanted to be there for her today.

As I approached the Park, I realized I'd been lallygagging, so I had to run to make it to the meeting point on time. I was about a half a mile away. I jogged lightly and while I could feel myself favoring the toe, it wasn't hurting. The only major problem was that I'd just eaten a mozzarella stick, and that coupled with the extreme heat, and I felt like I might puke. Why don't I ever learn!?

I did manage to get to the meeting spot on time, connect with Melissa's husband, and take out my sign! As I saw Melissa approaching, I sprung to my feet and I can't say what came over me but I knew I was going to run with her as long as I could! She's much faster than I am (even after the first two legs of an Olympic Triathlon, bless her heart!) so I knew it wouldn't be the full mile she'd asked for, but I'd do my best. It felt amazing out there and my toe didn't hurt at all! Nothing. I dropped back after about a half a mile, but only because I didn't want to hinder her speed, and because I felt like I was going to puke again from the mozzarella stick and the 100 degree weather. Meanwhile, Melissa looked fantastic! I'm such a lightweight!

I met up with another friend and we hustled to the East Side where I joined Melissa on the course again and ran another quarter of a mile. Not only did I feel of good service, but I got totally inspired then. There's something about running side-by-side with someone you trust. I knew Melissa was going to keep running, and that made me feel like I could keep running. I cheered her on, carried her gel, and enjoyed every minute of it! I know I was supposed to be out there helping her, but really, as usual, she helped me.

We talked afterwards about what it's helpful to hear when you're in a race. What should a supporter say? For her, she likes to hear stuff like, "You're looking amazing and strong," "You can do it," and "You're ahead of your target (if you are.)" I think I'm going to make a list of things I'd love to hear if anyone I know wants to run with me along the way during the marathon. I'm sure there will be a lot of SatiSpeak on my list, like, "You're moment's right now!" and "If not now, when?" And I wouldn't mind people dumping ice water on my head! Actions speak louder than words! Ice is love...

After the race was over, we hung out with a huge posse of Melissa's girl gang and her family, some of whom I hadn't seen in 10 years. Then I went with Melissa and another participant back over to the bike transition area to pick up the bikes. On one hand, I'm always so impressed with how organized and well staffed events like this are - but on the other, it's a bit terrifying to see the transition blocks, and imagine how chaotic it must be when the competitors are in there. There's a barefoot run at one part between the water and the bikes; and of course the water itself is basically radioactive. It's the friggin' Hudson River! Mmmmm... Try not to get water in your mouth when you're swimming 1.5 kilometers surrounded by 7,000 kicking competitors!

When we were walking back with the bikes, Melissa asked me how my toe was and I said fine! In that moment, it did feel completely fine. I was inspired. My fear that this toe thing was going to kill me melted away. I proceeded to run errands and walk around for the next few hours, covering about 3 miles, and during that time, my entire foot began to throb and sharp, shooting pains radiated from my toe up into the arch of my foot.

Determined not to lose my enthusiasm, I took myself to the gym and biked 10 miles in 44 minutes, and then ran a slow, painful mile at a pace of 11:16. Oh dear... Not good... How will I get past this toe thing? I'm done waiting for it to heal. It hasn't made any progress in 14 days. Sure, I'll keep biking and swimming, but I need to keep running - against the doctor's orders. I'm sorry. I just can't wait.

Right now I feel exhausted but excited too. The marathon is 3.5 months away. Intensive training starts in one week. I know I said I'd picked a training program to go with but I'm on the fence about it again. So many factors to consider. I have a week to sort it out. I can tell you this though - my entire life is going to center on running until the marathon. There's just no way I'll finish it unless I make it my #1 priority. No more weeks with 5 days off in a row. Not ever again until November 8th. The party's over. I'm exhausted just thinking about it!

112: Fact or Phantom?

I'm starting to feel really scared. My toe is not better. In fact, there are moments when it hurts more now than it did a week ago. I can't imagine running on it. I feel panic, like, what if I'm losing muscle tone every day, and coming back is going to be too hard. I also worry that I'm full of shit.

What if all this is in my mind, and I'm really just a lazy slug who found an excuse to quit? I know the power of my head. I'm good! I can divert like a pro. Anything is possible.

I was scheduled to run a 4 mile race today. I'd been looking forward to it. I saw a running friend last night, though, and she convinced me to think of the long term ramifications of possibly interrupting the healing process. It didn't make sense for me to race. I hear the race was super hot and brutal today... but that the shirts were pretty good. All day I've been thinking about how much I wish I'd been able to participate.

So, which is it? I want to run? ...or I don't want to run? I don't know. I'm all mixed up. Of course I don't want to run. Running's hard, and it's hot out, and I'm not progressing very fast. But then again, running has been my #1 joy this year, and has given me more than any other single activity has in my life! So, of course I want to keep going. I want to complete the marathon. It's only 3 months away. The opportunity to achieve my dream is actually approaching! How could I let go of the rudder now?

If my toe pain is phantom, then I am making the biggest self-sabotaging move of my life at the moment! I just don't know. Part of what makes me suspicious is that as much as I'm loving biking, I didn't make time for it today. Yes, I went to a bike shop and started to survey the equipment I'm going to need... but shopping isn't exercising. If I really cared about running, I'd have done what the doctor told me to do, and I'd have gone biking today on the stationary bike - for at least 10 miles. I'm suspicious. Very suspicious.

Tomorrow I am going to see my first triathlon ever. Melissa has asked me to go and support her and it will be my greatest joy to see her in her glory! She asked me to run with her on the West Side and then again on the East Side of the Park, in the last leg of her Olympic challenge at the New York City Triathlon. Now, Melissa is fast! Her 10K pace is around 8:40. So I'm not going to be able to run with her unless I really put my all into it. I will try my best and if it hurts, and I can't do it, I'll just wave from the sidelines. And if I can, well then, daylight will shine on whatever phantoms may be lurking behind this torn toe capsule.

113: Day of Rest

115 & 114: Off the Grid

As the slogan goes, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." So all I can tell you is I've been off the grid for two days. Might be back tomorrow. Might not. I haven't been doing any conventional exercising but I've definitely been running around. That's all you're getting. Peace out.

116: Periodically Conventional

Call it an excuse if you'd like but there are just some days when you can't exercise because of work. Today was one of those. Day two of our convention... and my day to present to a room busting at the seams with people I've never met.

Between rewriting my index cards 30 times, last minute rehearsals, getting miked in a dress, setting up for a social event I was hosting, prepping for tomorrow and Thursday's breakout rooms, dressing mannequins, and taking photos with drag queens, there just wasn't time to work out.

I did do about 60 jumping jacks in my room before leaving for the meeting, and stretched a number of times during the day in front of people - I don't even care what they think of me, stretching in public, in a dress - they know I'm weird and frankly, enough of my office is obsessed with working out that I'm not sure being weird in this particular way is a bad thing!

Anyway, tomorrow's going to be just as busy but since I don't have the added pressure of having to go on a stage and do professionally risky things like march to the "A-Team" soundtrack, and physically smash outdated point of sale material in front of the Chairman of the Board, well, I think I can squeeze a stationary bike ride in! At least I hope so; because I don't mind having to put work first when I'm away for an important convention, as long as this happens only periodically.

117: 10 Miles in Vegas, Baby!

I'm in Vegas today for rehearsals for a 3-day meeting starting tomorrow. I headed down to the gym at 6:30 this morning and ran into three colleagues; and my boss had just left. Kind of fun knowing I work in a place where what I do and who I am fits in.

Today I doubled my biking efforts from Saturday. I went a total of 10 miles, in 44 minutes, moving at level 3 for the first 30 minutes and pushing it to level 5 for the last 14. My toe didn't hurt and while I do feel I got a great workout, it didn't kill me. I didn't hate it. And I was even able to read and do work while I sat there. The stationary bike isn't so bad!

Good thing I have access to an indoor gym here because it's 95 degrees out today. It was 100 degrees at midnight last night. I don't think I'm going to be doing any outdoor exercise on this trip to Nevada!

A final note, the gym remains a great place to get free water and fruit when traveling! Better than paying $8 for a liter of Fiji in the room!!

118: Ear Buds

You can't run with regular iPod ear buds. They fall out too easily as you jostle around. For about 6 months I've been using those ear buds you can buy with exchangeable caps that are soft and can be jammed right into your ear canal. They've been working for the most part, until I'd get sweaty and they'd fall out once or twice on a typical 5 mile run. But since it's become summer, and it's extra hot, I've been getting extra sweaty - and the ear buds have been falling out every tenth of a mile after a half hour of running. Total pain in the ass.

Today I was at JFK in the fabulous Jet Blue terminal killing time before a flight and wandered into the gadgets emporium. No sooner had I set foot in the store but a hot sales guy came right up to me and said, "Earphones?" How the heck did he know? He said he could see it on my face. OK...

I had zero intention of buying anything - just researching and browsing - and I told him so. He seemed unfazed and pressed on, asking me about my needs. I told him about the running and the sweating. He said he was a runner and new a solution. I believed him.

Just a few minutes later I was at the register paying for my *new* pair of Sennheiser "twist-to-fit" ear buds that are very odd to look at, but are designed to lock into two parts of your inner ear, making their security impervious to jostling or sweating. We shall see... As I signed the touch screen, I got a slightly sick feeling. Did I just get slimed? Or did I really want and need these ear buds? Did the salesman even run or was that just a convenient lie? Too late - stylus in hand -transaction approved.

119: 5 Mile Bike & Swim

I was dying for exercise this morning so I finally took myself down to the gym in my building and reluctantly got on the bike. It felt like when I was at the very beginning with running and couldn't go 100 feet without stopping. I assumed it would be hard and so made sure to set a small goal for the day - just a little bit of biking to get used to it - and not so much that I'd have a negative experience and not want to come back.

I haven't been on a stationary bike in ages and most of my experiences with them have been negative. Once I actually fell off a stationary bike while my feet were strapped in during a spin class. Don't ask. Even I can't figure out how that happened but needless to say, I needed help extricating from that knot. So for today, I set a goal of 15 minutes, which I worried was too long; and I had no idea how many miles that would be.

I peddled as fast as I could and was surprised that it was easier than I'd though it would be so I pushed the resistance up to 3 (out of 20) and gave it my all. I could see my thighs turning red! It wasn't easy at all, and I could hear my knees clicking, but it was kind of fun. I was starting to sweat by the time the 15 minutes closed but I wasn't wrecked so I decided to push on until I hit the fictitious 5 mile mark, which ended up being at 21 minutes. Then I was a little wrecked and felt I could quit in good conscious; but I wasn't so wrecked that I didn't want to do it again; actually, I was kind of excited to see if I'd feel this later in the day, or the next morning, and how much more I could do if I really pushed.

The nicest thing about biking was that, because it wasn't horrific, like running, it required very little concentration - just the periodic affirmation, shifting my weight on the hard seat, or switching from holding the handles to leading in. Otherwise, I was free to watch TV, read a magazine (which I can't do while running on a treadmill), or even talk.

After the bike, I stretched for a few minutes at the behest of the gym's supervisor and then peeled my sneakers, shorts and Tshirt off, put on a bathing cap and goggles, and popped in the pool. The supervisor, who is also the lifeguard, followed me and listened to me whine about how much I hate swimming! I was a real brat. I told him I was a terrible swimmer and that I was thinking of taking a lesson from the tri shop near my house. The lifeguard kindly offered to watch me do a few laps and give me tips. I thought that was a great idea! Maybe he'd tell me I was so bad it wasn't worth trying, which would get me out of swimming altogether.

I gave one more loud, "Ugh! I hate this!" for good measure before sticking my head in the water and crawling the lap. When I came up at the other end, the lifeguard was standing over me with his hands folded, looking disappointed. "What?" I said, "Terrible?" "No!" he said, "You have a perfect stroke. I thought you said you were a terrible swimmer!" I was a little taken aback. Perfect? How could that be? I learned to swim at a YMCA camp. I mean, I had a pool growing up, but I didn't swim in it, I just spent the entire summer doing cannon balls, screaming, "Dad! Look at me! Look at me now! Are you looking?" then diving, and doggie paddling over to the ladder to repeat the action. Had I actually picked up swimming someplace along the way? I do remember at least 10 summers of daily swimming lessons in miserable camp pools and lakes.

Then it occurred to me that he might be pulling my leg so I challenged him, "If I'm so good, why am I swallowing so much water? And sinking? And it doesn't feel right... Are you sure?" He told me to breathe every 3 counts instead of 4, so I'd be alternating sides, and to breathe in through my mouth and out through my nose... opposite of running. You know, maybe that's a no-brainer for most people but I was all messed up with that. I only breathe using my mouth during running so I thought I should do the same with swimming.

The lifeguard started to look more cheerful. He said he had a vision for me, and that I just needed to keep cross training, and that if I could lose weight and buy a $10,000 titanium bike I could really be a contender in a triathlon. I laughed. Sure! Let me just finish this little Marathon first! Oh, and maybe bike for more than 21 minutes! And not end up with my ears so full of water I'm stumbling dizzy out of the pool after 10 laps. Sigh...

The 10 laps got progressively easier, kind of like running once I've past the second mile. The water in my ears was pretty unpleasant, though; and it got in my mouth, and my nose. As I got more tired, my posture slacked and I sank a bit, giving me a longer distance to reach my head out of the water for breathing purposes. I think I will need to get some ear plugs, and maybe a better pair of goggles, since mine are so old the glue has cracked and the rubber gasket looks like it might separate from the plastic at any minute. And is the swim cap supposed to be so tight it gives you a headache? Maybe it shrunk; or maybe all this blogging has given me a big head.

Because of my toe injury, today was the start of something new - something I hadn't intended to even look into until the Marathon was over. While I'm excited that I actually liked both biking and swimming more than I expected, running now seems even further depositioned. Not a great way to head into 15 weeks of intensive running training; but more information can't be a bad thing from a holistic perspective. Right?

120: Day of Rest

121: Day of Rest

122: Pro Choice

I remember being a HS senior, trying to decide where I'd go to college, and feeling overwhelmed by the idea that the choice I made would determine the next four years of my life. Good thing I didn't realize it would actually determine the next 10+ years of my life, considering my career folded out of college relationships until I hit about 30, or I might have melted under the pressure to decide.

Well, right now I'm faced with the same kind of daunting decision. I need to pick a training program for the Marathon that will guide me through the next four months... and get me to the start line in decent physical shape and with a mind ready for punishment. The thing is, I know in advance that whichever route I go, the people I meet there, the advice I get, the training experience, is going to have an impact on me for the rest of my life. It's a seemingly simple decision but with the weight of my entire future braided in, I've been befuddled!

The obvious factors to consider include my availability, quality of the program (though this is a bit nebulous to me since I've never run with a training team or had a coach), cost, convenience and size/level of group. The constraints are that I don't get out of work until 6, I'd rather spend less than more on this, I want a group that's my level or lower so I don't get freaked out and demotivated, and that I already have commitments three nights a week.

The more prestigious class meets twice during the week, leaving me NO days off for ad hoc fun. It's early enough that I'd be late a lot. It costs $100 more than the other course, is on the East Side - and I live on the West Side - and is slightly above my level. To make matters worse, in 2000, I actually took a running class with this group (oh there it is, the truth, I did try running a decade ago and failed) but ended up dropping out because everyone seemed to enjoy running and I felt the odd man out. That's a lot of "cons" against my lead choice, based on prestige. And yet, I've kept it in lead position.

The other program meets on the West Side at 6:30 pm. They do a bag check so I wouldn't even have to run home before. At the end, I'd be 2 blocks from my house. It's cheaper. It starts 2 weeks earlier. The requirement for entry isn't as strict, so I might be with people my level. And this program meets one night during the week - a night when I don't have a commitment already - and once on the weekend for a long run, which is how I'm already doing my training. That's a lot of "pros." And yet, I've been reluctant to choose it.

It's interesting to notice my pension for prestige, my strong desire to go with "the best" by name, and trust "the authority" on running, when really I have no reason to believe option two would deliver any less of an experience. In fact, in my heart I believe my success at the marathon will have much more to do with the effort I put in to any program than the specific structure set up for me by an outside party. Both programs will attract interesting people. Either would be fine.

I've finally found the confidence to make a definitive choice. I was looking for a "pro" that would tip the scale in the second program's favor and I found it. The more prestigious program falls on the night I take intenSati; I would have to give that up. On my way home from class tonight, it dawned on me how truly important intenSati has become, how much I love and look forward to being with the people in it, and how my intenSati experience informs my running in ways nothing else could. It's the ultimate cross train. intenSati may do more to get me to the start line than anything else in my life.

So, with confidence, I have decided I'm going to go with the program that really makes sense for me. It's a choice that reflects what's good for me, my personal pros, and not just what might look good on paper, or sound good, or be easy to describe. Feels like a choice I can stand behind.

123: Nursing a Torn Capsule

I went to see Dr. Metzl about my toe today. He took three X-rays and gave me the bad news. Bad news because A) it's what I thought it was based on Googling so I really didn't need to shell out a $25 co-pay for the diagnosis, and 2) bad news because there's no treatment for what's wrong. I just have to wait it out.

I've torn the capsule around the second joint on my right big toe. The pain I felt in the rest of my leg was just my body's way of trying to get me to stop running on the toe. Nothing above the toe is actually injured. That's a relief.

The doctor said this is one of the few injuries you really can't run on, or do anything for, and you just have to wait it out - at least a couple of weeks. "A couple of weeks? What does that mean? Like two weeks? My intensive training programs start the last week in July!" I could feel myself starting to tear up! He wouldn't commit. He said I could try to run on it when I felt ready, but if I still had pain, not to push it or I'd just delay the healing process. In the meanwhile, I should bike and swim.

Bike and swim!? I've been thinking about biking and swimming because of all the triathlon talk I was exposed to two weekends ago, and the triathlon I'll be going to in 2 weeks to support Melissa at. But I made a very conscious decision not to take anything else new on right now... I've got so much on my plate between running, work and my family. I don't know when I get to have fun any more. Just fun. No agenda.

I even had this fantasy that I'd run the Marathon on Sunday, November 7th, and then take the day off from work on Monday and go with my sister and brother-in-law, who are avid bikers, to a neighborhood bike shop and get fitted for my first bike in 30 years. I'd treat myself to something small and light, with all kinds of accessories to make the ride comfortable. And a bell. I want a bell. Then I'd spend the next few heart-of-fall weekends riding up and down the Hudson, leaf peeping in Rockland County, maybe even riding the 38 miles up to Westchester to visit my mother and bring her a picnic from Zabar's. I'd wear jeans and a sweater, and one of those fancy "implode on impact" helmets I've heard about. (I'm pretty klutzy so it's likely there will be impact.) Biking was going to let me feel something new unfold. I was counting on that to keep me from falling into a pit of depression after the Marathon is over.

Maybe I'll go to the pool in the morning. I did buy two new bathing suits last week. And I guess I can start with the bike in the gym and just see how that goes. I was talking to my friend Cat tonight about all this and said I was afraid I'd lose enthusiasm for running. She said not to worry; if I lost it, I'd just have to get it back. Simple as that.

So, taking this new step in training one day at a time, appreciating it for what it is, and trusting that everything unfolds in perfect timing...

124: Confessions of a Hypocrite

I considered pushing this tidbit under the carpet but decided not to. Why start to try to "look good" now? I'm real.

I ate meat! Literally the day after I came out of the pescaterian closet here, I did it. I ate steak. Not organic steak, or grass fed steak; it was steak from the Stop & Shop. Probably as cruel, hormone-riddled, and drenched in cortisol as a steak can get. It was grilled on a BBQ though, and I don't get that kind of treat too often... I only took a bite but it was amazing - maybe the best steak I've ever had! I've been dreaming of that taste since April! I had to really fight myself not to take more.

Truth be told, my tummy felt a little bit upset afterward. I'm just not used to it I guess. But that aside, the moment of consumption was memorable in a positive way. Holy even. The way the meat was browned and juicy, and so flavorful! That steak was nothing like the greying roast beef I stared down at and literally cried over once during a meditation retreat in 2003. It was glistening and delicious.

So where does my conscience go in a moment like that? I don't know the answer to that question.

To add to my transgressions, immediately after eating the steak I went outside and watched my friends take a knife to live lobsters. I figured, if I intended to eat those creatures later, the least I could do was respectfully observe their slaughter, and assure myself it was done humanely. I've seen lobsters get dropped into a pot of boiling water before, but never the knife to grill method. I asked whether the lobsters could feel it. "Of course they can feel it!" the guys said! Stupid, Michelle. Why had I been so sure the answer to that would be no?

Before killing the lobsters, we took photos of them, as if they were trophies we'd caught ourselves from the sea, and not bought with a credit card at a store. Four big ones totaling 21 pounds. They seemed mature. Did they know each other or were they new acquaintances thrown into this tangle together? Did they want a last meal? Algae perhaps? What do lobsters eat anyway? Do they have families? I started to feel a little uncomfortable and one woman came out and said, "Don't watch!" but I knew I had to.

The lobsters were placed on a low table from which they urgently tried to crawl away. It was like herding cats. Every time we'd put one back on the table, another would awkwardly manage to get off in the opposite direction. They knew something very bad was about to happen. I started to give them voices in my head, and even aloud, "Oh crap! This doesn't look good! Pray for a miracle! So the legend is true..." I imagined one of them looked me in the eye and implored. I briefly had visions of running them back down to the ocean. I had to remind myself I'm a grown up and grown ups don't do irrational things like that when they're guests at someone else's house. Plus, I love eating lobster! What would we have for dinner? I tried to focus on this being part of "The Circle of Life" and all that but could feel myself starting to sweat. At least they'd be killed quickly. Fine, they'd feel it, but only for a second. We all have our tsuris!

Three guys were going to do the killing. There was a glove to hold them down with, a pan to catch the blue blood if it spurted out, and a medium size butcher's knife. Our host went first and demonstrated the technique. It was significantly more barbaric than I'd thought it would be and the lobster fought back and wiggled the entire time. He was actually still wiggling after he was cut straight down the middle and carried to the grill. I asked, "That's just the nerves still firing, right?" but nobody answered me.

When it was time for the second lobster to go on, guy #2 stepped in. There was a level of excitement in the air. #3 was looking on and turned back to me and said, "I've never killed my dinner before." #2 talked the instructions out before starting; the host nodded his approval and said, "You can do it!" It sounded like #2 knew what he was supposed to do; but then when he attempted the first cut, the lobster proved stronger than he'd expected and wiggled away. I told myself this was a rite of passage for #2, and yes, the lobster was suffering unduly this time, but if #2 got it right then all future lobsters dying at his hand would have an easier time of it. I felt my blood pressure rise. I wanted the expert, #1, to get in there and put the animal out of its misery but he didn't - he just kept coaching #2 while #2 exclaimed over and over again, "This is hard!"

#3 had the advantage of knowing it was going to be hard and so he went in with purpose. He struggled too, but seemed a bit more serious about it and that made me feel better. Still, #3's lobster was never fully stabbed to death and went onto the BBQ flailing full out. I mean, that thing was totally not dead. Nobody said anything. #3 actually commented to me later that he thought his wasn't really dead when it went on the grill... "I don't think so either," I said quietly. You know. Tell it like it is. You did your best but you made that animal suffer.

So, the lobsters were served and they were amazing... the best lobsters I've had in my life! So fresh. So yummy. And in a weird way, even though it was very traumatic for me to watch the slaughtering, as usual, I was totally able to suspend that negative experience and just enjoy the food. In fact, I do think it made me enjoy it more, and also appreciate the men who actually worked really hard to kill the lobsters. Strange feeling and I'm not sure how I feel about it all. But I am grateful for the new understanding I'm gaining about the food I eat. I think we're so distanced from our animal core and studying food is one way in.

125: Reverse Turf Toe

Yesterday I spent part of the afternoon reenacting the World Cup with friends. We played football (that's soccer to you and me) on the grass, barefoot, using towels and a Nerf ball for goal posts. It was a blast... until I dove for a ball and fell down on my big toe, curled under my foot.

Ooowww! I rolled on the grass dramatically, holding my foot, and crying out "Mommy!" though laughter. I imagined the real pain would pass in a moment, I'd stand up and score another goal. I did stand up and we started the game again but the pain didn't really subside. You know where this is going.

This morning I got up at 6:30AM, made blueberry muffins, started the coffee, and got ready for our big 5 mile Murdick's Fudge race. My toe was still sore but I figured I'd run through it. My friends descended one by one and we piled into the car and drove to the neighboring town's elementary school to pick up our numbers.

There wasn't a gun, or D-tags to record our time, and there were under 300 people at the start. It reminded me of my first race in Bedford, back in November, the Thanksgiving Turkey Trot. I started off strong, and pretty quickly jumped on the sidewalk to get ahead of the slow moving crowd. It was hot and the first mile was mostly flat and downhill; I wanted to take advantage of feeling strong.

Then suddenly, the dull strain in my toe began to demand my attention. A tight cramp began to crawl up my leg, attacking my calf muscle and ascending all the way to my thigh. It was crippling and alarming. I had to pull over and attempt a stretch. Could this be related to my strained toe? I felt scared; what's happening to me! I wasn't even sure what to stretch. Nothing made those muscles relax.

I took to the road again but couldn't do more than shuffle. By the end of the first mile, I was in agony. My leg felt like it was curling up. It was hot. I was actually limping even as I tried to walk a little bit and see if it would work itself out. I stretched again a few times. My friends eventually caught up to me and passed me - even the two pushing a baby stroller. There was a water station and I spoke to the volunteer there and she said to go back to the start, that they'd have medics there who were trained to deal with injuries.

I did as I was told because I didn't want to hurt myself any more and it seemed there was no point in just walking the rest of it - might as well turn back since I wasn't even half way through yet. I'm in this for the long haul and if I was about to do some long term damage, I'd better not.

When I got back to the start, there weren't any medical people waiting. The guy clocking the runners in by hand offered to use his megaphone to see if there were any doctors in the house. Slightly embarrassed to be taking him away from his clocking duties I declined and instead sat and waited for my friends to cross the finish line, rubbing my toe, and wondering what in the world I had done to myself.

When we got home, my friend Googled my symptoms but there wasn't anything describing the toe to calf/thigh link. We decided I had either a sprain, or Reverse Turf Toe. Who needs medial school, really, when you have the Internet? That said, I may go to the doctor when I get home to NY on Tuesday, just in case it's not Reverse Turf Toe, and is something that requires more than ice and elevation. Receiving an "incomplete" for today's race didn't feel good and I certainly don't want any more of that on my permanent record.

126: Skinny Bitch

I’m sensitive. If you need 2 aspirins, I need one. A cup of coffee keeps me buzzing for an entire day. So it makes sense that the food I eat goes right into my bloodstream, metabolizes, and directly determines the octane rating of my day.

Compared to most Americans, I’ve always eaten very healthy. Nothing artificial, organic when I have a choice, and heavy on protein and good fats. I love animals but could completely suspend this when eating meat, even foie gras and veal. I don’t think it’s cruel to kill animals for food, even young animals. Music up: “The Circle of Life…”

All that said, this year I’ve been paying especially close attention to how things make me feel and it became undeniable that things like sushi, vegetables and whole grains left me feeling energized, whereas meat made me cloudy and tired.

I began taking the vegetarian option whenever it was an easy choice. I didn’t make a big thing about it, I just gently swapped things out when the opportunity was there. I liked it. My body felt better.

Then, I had a business trip to Mexico and seized the opportunity to absolutely gorge myself on chicken mole. I ate it twice daily for about 5 days and after a few months of a mostly vegetarian diet, the impact was noticeable. My brain went into a fog. I felt “dirty.” I don’t know how else to describe it. Then we had a big group dinner with more meat and I ordered a Mexican delicacy, ant’s eggs in hot butter. They were meaty and heavy and I just kept staring at those eggs on my plate and they looked like something you’d find in the corner of the garage and spray down, maybe even call an exterminator for… and I was done! Done with meat.

Right after that I went to a spa where the cuisine was predominantly vegetarian, plus fish, and I was in heaven. Everything was so delicious. Preparations were colorful, flavorful, healthy and respectful. I felt respectful. I felt physically good and – here was the big point of difference – I felt emotionally good. Nobody was harmed in the making of my dinner. I’m a loving being like we all are and part of being loving is the absence of hurting. Getting my needs met without breaking a neck gave me a higher level of meal satisfaction than I’d thought to seek.

Right after Mexico and the spa, I was home and looking to thin out my book collection. I few years ago a bunch of friends had raved to me about a book called Skinny Bitch. I’d smiled, “Thanks for the referral,” and thought to myself wow, my friends think I’m a wanna-be Upper East Side socialite? I got problems. I assumed a book with a title like that was about handbags, shoes, and how to achieve superficial bliss. Not interested! One of my more thinking friends eventually bought the book for me and I stuck it on my bookshelf and never thought of it again.

I turned the cover back and read a few pages before dropping it in the Housing Works bag, and ended up reading 50 pages before bed that night. The book isn’t at all what I’d thought it was; it’s about the American meat producing industry, an animal cruelty expose, and advocates veganism. (Oh yeah, and it says if you become a vegan you can’t help but become skinny…) A bunch of my friends are vegans or par vegans – they eat eggs, and some eat fish. The basic idea though of veganism is no meat, fish, eggs, or milk. Nothing derived from animals.

I finished the book in 2 days and began asking friends about it – the ones who had referred me to it previously. I was already eating vegetarian plus milk, eggs and fish. The idea of not being part of animal torture for an extended period of time – maybe even a lifetime – was exhilarating. It fits with who I am as a person. I do not support cruelty of any kind.

So, what about fish? I realize this may sound weird but, I don’t feel fish suffer the same way that other animals do. I can’t imagine a worker torturing a fish the way they regularly torture cows, pigs and chickens. A fish swims away if it can and gets caught if it can’t. Good luck, fish! May the best being win! Maybe it’s my competitive side…

So that distinction, coupled with the fact that my body loves fish, establishes a framework for how I’m living these days. I feel clean, energized and nourished after a sushi dinner. Oysters turn me on. Salmon is Omega heaven. Give me shrimp, Bubba.

So now, it’s been about 3 months, less the chicken binge in Mexico. I haven’t been talking about it to anyone because I hate when people make grand statements about who they suddenly are, or what they suddenly want, and then expect you to accommodate them. I didn’t want to be a hypocrite.

To be clear, I have no moral issue with meat-eating. I’d eat steak from a grass fed, hormone free, and humanely slaughtered cow any day! Yum… bring it on! Fresh chicken? I’ve never had it but I imagine a real chicken tastes awesome and chicken-y. I’m just not sure how or where one might buy this kind of stuff. I wish I knew because in moments, my body is really missing it. I think sometimes about my childhood friend Jenny Katz and how she slaughtered a chicken and wrote about the experience as a way to own her actions as a meat-eater. I’m not sure I’m ready for slaughtering; but buying from a mindful farm I could do.

Vegetarianism… or really, pescetarianism, in my case, hasn’t always been easy. For the first 10 days I had diarrhea, constantly. I couldn’t understand it! I decided my body was just purging all the toxins from meat. Not sure if that was true but it made me feel better. During that time, I thought of meat almost obsessively. Sometimes I’d glance down at my own forearm and have the urge to bite into it. Then one day, I was crossing 57th street and a French bulldog was in front of me, it was brindled, and I had the passing thought, “That dog would taste good with BBQ sauce.” So, I’m not cured of the desire; just managing for optimal expression.

I’m done eating cruel meat, hormone-riddled, cortisol-flushed meat from animals who died under stress, weeks prior to my purchasing it. I don’t respond to it in a positive way. I believe that, based on my continuing cravings for meat that if I were to consume healthy meat, I’d have a positive response; but for now, since that’s not an option, I’m happy to be living my values in a genuine way.

I do believe we are what we eat and I love myself more that I’ve found a way to live closer to my values. I’m cruelty-free, in mind and practice. If that makes me a Skinny Bitch, so be it! (Fingers crossed.)

127: Will Run for Fudge

I took the day off from work today to get a jump on the 4th of July holiday weekend. Woke at the crack of dawn, did 5 loads of laundry, cleaned my apartment and went running. Who is this girl? Not the same girl I was a year ago. That's for sure. This girl is happy. This girl feels authentic and connected. This girl notices all the light around her. This girl loves her life. Yes, I love my life.

You think I'm going to say "It's the running." Well, I am. To be more precise, it isn't the running, it's what happens to the rest of your life when you are running. People and opportunities that seemed invisible before are suddenly knocking on your door asking if you want to play. Yes! I want to play.

I'm in Martha's Vineyard now as I write this. Sitting on the deck, listening to the sound of the Atlantic a few hundred feet away, gentle waves crashing. The air is cool and breezy. Bruce is playing on someone's iPod inside, the men are talking World Cup, and I can smell the pizza we have heating in the oven. There is wine. A lot of it. There are hydrangea. Blue. I love hydrangea. A firefly floats across my extended legs and - BLAMO - gives me the sign - he's on FIRE - and he's here to play. We're both here to play! I can't wait to see how this weekend unfolds.

One thing I'm excited for is the 5 mile race I'm running on Sunday. My friend Christina found it for me. Her heart is so big it could make you cry. The race is sponsored by a fudge company. You have to love Martha's Vineyard!!! We signed up. And then others signed up. We stopped at the Nike outlet store on the drive here today and everyone went bananas suiting up for the fudge run!

I surprised myself at the Nike outlet. I bought a bunch of shorts, some tops, and a slew of discounted winter gear.

Think about that. It is July and I bought winter running hats and gloves. I guess my perception of where this is all going has changed. Maybe I'm not just training for the 2010 NYC Marathon. Maybe, I'm a runner, and I'm just doing my thing... and I'm beginning to see that November 7th isn't the end of this journey but the beginning.

128: Day of Rest