Like, oh my G-d, in 1985, I had this killer bob haircut that was beveled on the sides, and I brushed and teased it up and out so it was really big like a giant mushroom cap; and when I see photos of it now, I’m like totally embarrassed? But back then? OK, I like, looooved my bob haircut and braces so much. I used to, like, stand in front of the mirror, for like hours, with my can of mousse, and my round hairbrush, and my red Conair Styler Dryer 1200 with fold away handle, and worry that my hair might not always look this perfect; and that would be, like, so totally sad… So I would close my eyes and wish really hard that my hair would stay exactly the same as it was in 1985 – FOREVER!
Thank goodness that wish didn’t come true! Or so many of the other wishes I’ve had for myself over the years – and there have been some wacky ones! I think, the whole of a person’s life story can actually be told through a list of his wishes. You don’t need to know where a guy lived, or worked, or whom he loved, to know who he was. None of that really matters. You only need to know what he desired. Right? I mean, to really know him. What we want is who we are.
The thing about desire, which I’m just learning now, is that it isn’t dangerous. What can be dangerous, however, is ignoring and subjugating desire, because that’s when it has a chance to warp, calcify and mutate. But pure desire is as natural and essential a food to the heart as oxygen is to the lungs. Without “wanting,” the heart slows down into a kind of dormancy, where it’s hard to even know when a desire is emerging. Lots of things feel confusing in this place.
But the good news is, even if a heart has been left to sleep for a while, it easily opens again with just the slightest nudge. It never forgets how to warm with excitement, or fixate on a wish. It also never holds a grudge about wishes unfulfilled. The heart’s happy to move on…. One wish rises up, another falls away. (The head? That’s a different story!) In my case, I know one thing my heart and head are aligned on. They both, like, totally agree, we are leaving that bob haircut behind – FOREVER!
So when I think now about my desire to finish the Marathon, or more immediately, to finish the Half Marathon, I try not to worry about where this is all going, and what I'll do with myself on November 8, 2010, the day after the Marathon. I can envision the giant letdown, or I can trust that new desires - maybe an evolution of my running adventure, maybe not - will rise up and get my attention. I'm pretty sure I won't give up running forever; but I might beg off for a little while and drop it down a notch. I just can't know. All I do know now is that running and writing have opened my heart up again - or maybe for the first time ever - to how exciting and abundant life really can feel. I have no idea what's in store for me, but I know now never to let go of my desires. That is, after all, who I am.
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