Day 158: Victim of Odds

I never play the odds. I rely on intuition when I'm gambling and like to think I come out on top. I guess that's why I believed for a minute that I might get into the Marathon through the lottery. Well, I didn't. I'm not in.

I'm just sitting with the feeling for a day or so before I decide what I'm going to do. Of course, there's still the possibility I'll get in through the lottery eventually; but I do need a backup plan now.

The lead path is to go in through a charity. This isn't as easy as it seems, but it's doable. More work ahead though to vet the options, apply to a charity, and start fundraising. I'm not good at begging for money. I'm much better at spending it. So you'll forgive me in advance if I do ask you for help, and am an awfully awkward mess about it. Just the thought of it makes me cringe.

But mostly, I feel hollow. Disappointed, of course. Tired. Intimidated by the thought of having to beg. Resentful that I've worked so hard already with the running, and have so far to go with the running, and now I have this other new layer to worry about. Couldn't there have been some divine intervention? Wouldn't that have made a fairy tale moment out of this very real, very raw experience I'm living every day? Yes, it would have.

But maybe that's the lesson - and I needed to hear it again. There's no fairy tale. You reap what you sow. And the reaping doesn't come right after the sowing... it takes time. It takes time, and certain weather conditions, the ongoing care, and even then, sometimes the crop is bad, or freezes before you can harvest.

I took a class tonight - an intenSati workshop intended to boost creativity. www.intensaticreativeworkshop.com The instructor, Erin Stutland, had a fantastic analogy for us. She wanted us to think of our creativity, our potential, as seeds to be planted. And that we should plant those seeds very carefully, and tend to them every day. She pointed out that so often in life, we plant a seed one night, and then wake up and look into the flower pot the next morning exclaiming, "Hey, where's my fuckin' daisy?"

We'll that's how I feel right now. Where's my fuckin' daisy. I planted this seed, and I want to see some sprouting. I want some encouragement that new things are about to bloom, and all my sowing wasn't in vain. But all I have is my sweat encrusted body from the hardest workout of my life. A pile of running shoes scattered around my desk, making it hard to sit forward in front of the computer. A credit card bill riddled with running related expenses... entry fees for other races, clothes, sports drinks. And now, a new challenge to tackle: winning permission to be one of the lucky 40,000. If I do win it, I assure you, I won't take the privilege lightly.