153: 4 Mile FAIL!

Failblog.org has struck a chord in popular culture, and with me. I hear someone say FAIL at least once a day now and I have a sneaking suspicion that the catch phrase is about to take off exponentially. I fear we're not far from a press conference on Capitol Hill when we'll hear Mr. Obama drop the F bomb - the "new" F bomb that is - "FAIL!"

Today I took on the Japan Day 4 mile race and, by all counts, my performance was a total FAIL. I don't think I've ever been so mentally prepared to achieve a goal, and my goal was simple and achievable; but I failed anyway. I wanted to beat my previous best time for a 4 mile race. I aimed to shave off :25 per mile, but even if I'd beat it by a single second per mile, that would have been enough not to have failed. But I didn't even come close.

Excuses: It was 75 degrees out, with 79% humidity. I have an ugly gastrointestinal "disturbance" that has been plaguing me for a week and was particularly irritable in the hours before the race. I'm dehydrated (see gastro "disturbance"). The crowd moved like molasses in the first mile, which was both a hindrance and demotivating. By the end of the second mile, I was so far behind I'd never have been able to have caught up on my target pace. And finally, I haven't been training enough. Oh. Right. That.

By mile three I began weighing my exit options:

1) I could drop out entirely and walk to baggage and pick up my stuff.
2) I could run to the end and then do what I did so well in H.S. and for all 4 years of college and, "drop the class," so to speak just before grades would be posted! If I avoided crossing the finish line, I'd get the exercise, but my time wouldn't go down on my permanent record.
3) I could stay in the race and run to baggage and just not worry about my time, and let it go, and live in the truth of the situation - FAIL!

In the end, I decided I'd only be fooling myself if I hid the FAIL. I don't need to be perceived as a success all the time. In fact, maybe I need to be more upfront about my failures! Not just for the sake of fair reporting, but so I don't get caught up in my own little story here. This isn't easy. It's so much harder than I thought it would be. It's work like I've never known work. Maybe it wouldn't be for someone who liked running, or had a baseline fitness level higher than mine, or who was certifiably insane and enjoyed physical torture. But I'm none of those things and running in hot, humid air, with a body that's still significantly overweight, sucks.

So, I completed the race today and I'm proud of that; but my grade was definitely an F for FAIL. Going to sit with that as much as possible today and hopefully not lose the lesson. Nothing will move me forward except putting in the miles.