I ran the Father's Day race today in Central Park, a fundraiser for Prostate Cancer research. It was hot, humid, and I was exhausted and poorly prepared, but I pushed myself and had a personal record. Not the fastest I've ever run, but the fastest I've ever run 5 miles, and :34 seconds faster per mile than my last 5 mile race, and only :10 second slower than my very best pace per mile ever!
I think I'm going to be OK. I'm not in danger of dropping out any more. I just need to make sure that my training schedule is more varied. Running by myself and being accountable to a computer program isn't so fun. And I crave fun. This past week, I decided to forget about running entirely and just did intenSati, as many chances as I could get, which ended up being three times. It's a wicked workout, upper and lower body, endurance, mind/body training. All important stuff that I need to get to the next level with running. Here I thought I wasn't advancing with running as fast as I wanted to because I wasn't running enough; but actually, maybe I wasn't advancing because all I was doing was running.
I've also decided to go with the beginner online marathon training schedule, and not bump up to intermediate. Why make myself miserable? Why rush the process? Why risk scaring myself, or over-training and causing an injury? I am a beginner. There will always be "more" I could do. I've got to manage my own burning desire to be the best, do the best, and win. Because with this sport - the facts simply are - I am never going to win!! Ever! Not a chance. And still, it's an entirely worthwhile endeavor.
People always ask me what I say to myself when I'm running. Here's a taste of what ran through my mind today...
OK, this is it! Here we go. I love this song. "Don't this hit make my people wanna... Jump! Jump!" Look at the feet. Look at the shoes. I have those shoes. Amazing there are so few types of shoes and we all have the same shoes. Maybe 6 styles. Who owns Asics? Who owns Mizuno? Look at the ground. Do not look up. [Looking up.] Oh my G-d there's a hill coming. Do not look up. Gotta get ahead of these two. Don't waste energy jockeying - try to go in a straight line. Where is the straight line? I hate this. No negative thoughts. I love spitting. [Spits.] Good girl! Actually I feel fine. Nothing hurts. I am totally fine. How is it possible that I only had 4 hours of sleep? This is downhill - I didn't even notice! Yay! Enjoy. Take a bigger stride. Try throwing your leg back more. Posture good? Yes! Good form. No walking at all during the first mile. Remember just count the miles out. Say one mile done, four to go. Yes! "Disturbia!" Why did I love this so much before? Listen to the words and try to remember. [Singing words in my head to the whole song.] "...I'm a monster!" Yes! Love this song. What's Rihanna doing now? Is she happy? Up hill... OK maybe a little walking but just until that sign post there. [Walking.] Try to walk faster. Swing your arms. Don't lose time. You're moment's right now. This is as important as the last 800 meters. Why is my breath so short? Am I going to fast? I'm going fast. I'm passing everyone. Oooh! Some kids! Get over to the side to high-5 them. Maybe this will be a big day for them and make them want to try running. My high-5 could change their lives. Oh! Totally fun getting the high-5 back! Energizing! I'm going to drink at every station. Look there are two Orthodox girls wearing long sleeved shirts, long pants and skirts. They're going to melt. Gosh that's commitment on so many levels. Are they happy? Will they run together the whole time? Will they eat the bagels at the end? They won't be Kosher bagels but can bagels be Kosher? They're not-not Kosher. OMG I'm really moving fast! Am I moving too fast? Am I burning myself out? Why am I going so fast today and it's sort of easy? I might actually have some kind of PR today! I didn't even run this week. All I did was cross train. But I feel myself getting exponentially stronger with intenSati. Do squats help with running? Those jumping jacks rock. Who knew I loved jacks. Fluid station coming! Yes! Take two waters - pour one on your face and rub it into your hands. Mile one... no way! I'm running at my fastest pace ever. What is going on? Why is this so easy. [Glancing back at the race bibs behind me.] My race number is in the 7000s and I'm passing people with 5000s on their bibs. Did they start late? Are they slow because it's so hot? That man looks familiar. That man's really drenched already. Why did I wear cotton? I need more running clothes. I have so many though - they're actually getting worn out though. Are people suffering? How am I doing this and everybody else looks like they're suffering? I'm running. How am I running? Be positive. Good girl! Oh urgently need to walk. OK, walk until that orange cone and that's it... Oh, it's so miserable to start running again! Why do I let myself stop? Well I had to. It's OK, I'm going so fast. I'm so happy that we're going through the 102nd Street transverse. Is that on an incline? Oh no... inclines ahead. But this course feels more decline than incline. Is that possible? It's not possible. I wonder if they made the course configuration like that because it's easier in the heat. What's the science of this? Or is it random? Who makes these decisions? 2 miles!!! Oh no. Not even half way there! This sucks. It's so hot. Look there's one of the Orthodox girls. Guess they split up. I am going to think about Dad right now since I'm running in his honor. He would be so proud of me. He wouldn't believe I was doing this! Did he ever run in the Park? Well he must have. Where else would he have run? But were the paths the same then? What year would that have been? The late 1930s and 1940s I guess. What would they have worn. I have to walk. I'm going too fast. Am I going to crash at the end? I can't believe I only had 4 hours of sleep last night, and 5 on Friday, and 4 on Thursday. I really have to get more sleep. Look at the feet. OK start counting as I we're doing jacks in class. Give me 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... Wow that really speeds me up. Short of breath but want to do it again. [Repeat several times.] My moment's right now. If not now, when? Holy shit I might actually have a PR today. Not what I expected! I'm excited! This is fun. Mile 3! OK, more than half way there. Oh boy... feel like a ton of bricks is pressing up against me right now suddenly, telling me to stop! I could stop. I could completely stop right now if I wanted. Nobody is waiting for me at the finish. I need to stop. I can't catch my breath. I could walk. But then I won't have PR. I'm slowing down. I went too fast in the beginning. Or did I? Maybe this feeling will pass. This is in my head. Nothing hurts. I'm completely fine. I'm strong! I'm doing great! It's fine if I don't make a PR. Please! I was just hoping to finish today! I'm totally unprepared. It's hot as balls and the air is hung with 90% humidity. Where are the sprinklers? But it would feel so good to be able to say I had a PR. Could I? If I keep this pace up and maybe press it super fast in the last leg I could be supremo! Carry on at my very best! If not now, when? This is the moment. Be here now! So maybe I can walk for a second. I'm dying to walk. It's OK - I'll walk the next hill. And I'll be fine. It might be close though. I might be on the cusp of a PR. And then I'd be sabotaging myself by walking. This is the critical moment when I sabotage it - or don't sabotage it. My final results depend on the choice I make at this exact second. I can't make it up at the end. Because there are limits to my ability. This is all I've got - right now - either working my hardest or not. What am I going to do? How have I run 13.1 miles? How ever would I keep this up for 8 more miles? How have I run 15? Well I have. It gets easier. So don't freak out. Just keep going. Look down. Look at the feet. Oh, "What goes around comes around." I used to love this song. Why can't I get into it. I'm so distracted today. My focus was so great at the More/fitness half. Was it the rain? The cold? The physical torture? I do so well under poor conditions. But not heat. Well why not heat? Why am I so adverse to sweating? I need to just get comfortable with being completely drenched and disgusting. This is what it is. Being sweaty isn't dangerous. I'm hydrating. I'm doing well. I just need to get my mind straight. Make this fun. OK dance time. Give me 16, 15, 14... I wish I could feel like I were dancing while I was running. All this boring forward motion isn't that fun. I would love to channel my passion for dancing into this forward swinging. Maybe I can imagine the rest of it, and I'll get there. Like a paraplegic imagining a full life from his hospital bed. I always say I could live a fabulous life in a jail cell thanks to my fantasy prone mind. So here I am, stuck in hell. Good moment to dream about cool breezes and sprinklers. Where are the damn sprinklers. Maybe that's just for longer races. I love my socks. I can't believe I paid $12 for socks. Good thing I'm off taxis. I wish I belonged to Equinox again. Air conditioning... Look down now. I am surrounded by feet. They're all pacing me. I can't believe Cat ran 50 miles in one weekend. Maybe her mother was right to be mad. Is she hurting herself? I don't want her to get hurt. Melissa is doing her triathlon right now! Actually, she's already done right now, or in her last transition. Do people help you with transitions? I could hand her dry socks. Ooh I'm going to get her those $12 socks I love. I could get her 10 pairs and make it a wedding present! I want to cheer for her. She's such an amazing friend and inspiration. I am so lucky. Oh here's the place were Jolynn and Rob stood waiting in the rain for me to cheer me on at the More/fitness magazine half marathon. It was so great seeing them here - although I was going in the opposite direction. Every time I pass this spot I think of them. They don't ever have to come out and support me again - I'll always remember them right here. I'm so sentimental. I kind of like the T-shirts for today's race. Such a waste with most of them - terrible beefy Ts. I still think I should talk to someone about having the NYRRs put an option on their race applications that says "I'd like to donate my shirt" and have all the unwanted shirts go to charity - unprinted. I'd pay extra for that. To have my shirt be useful to someone who needs it. I should drop my bags off to Housing Works today. Oh will this mile ever end? I am walking too much now. I might have lost my chance at a PR. Well, it is what it is. I am definitely trying my very hardest. Good girl! Good focus! Good speed! Amazing that cross training has made me stronger and that's paying off. Yay! Wait don't celebrate too early. Still more than a mile left. And so on... until the last 800 meters when I might have been hallucinating slightly as I imagined Melissa joined me and I asked her to pace me up a tenth of a mile every once in a while. I felt light headed and was dying to see the Finish line. I looked for what seemed like forever and then I finally saw it in the distance, up a final hill. I tried my hardest to speed up but noticed I didn't get any faster at all. At least I didn't stop.
When I crossed the finish line, I was nauseous. A girl and her mother were right next to me and the girl looked scared, and like she might pass out. I patted her and said, "You did it!" and she smiled and perked up a little. I know what that feels like. The first time you're nauseous at the end. You're not sure why that's happening and you think you might die.
This time when I was nauseous, I knew why so I wasn't scared. I hadn't eaten, and I hadn't slept. I lingered at the post-race entertainment and raffle much longer than I usually do since I had nobody to go out to brunch with afterwards. It was kind of fun actually! I met some people, had some good conversations about running and life. Smiled with a lot of people. After the race I stopped into a yoga place on my way home. I've been looking since I started for a "yoga for runners" class that meets at a time that works for me. Since I've had such success with intenSati cross training, my interest in yoga is even more heightened now. I just think it could be amazing for me on so many levels. But of course, there's the matter of my having absolutely no free time... Oh, life is so good right now! I only wish there were more hours in a day. For once, not to do more work - but to pack more fun in.
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