144: Farewell to Dogmatism

I wish so much that I loved running the way I love intenSati. I keep telling myself that if I get better at running, I might love it as much, and that I just have to carry on a bit more and hopefully all the joy will be revealed. But I'm not really carrying on. I'm hanging on by a thread. I've run under 10 miles per week for the last month, relying on races to push that number up. That's not exactly "ramping up efforts." It isn't adequate training.

I'm beyond frustrated with myself. I can't decide if it's the time commitment of long runs, or boredom with my running routes, or the heat, or that I need a new outfit or gadget, or a running partner, but I'm totally uninspired. I've hit a wall. I'm not even inspired to write about hitting the wall. I feel like - who'd want to hear that? It's just complaining. I don't want to write about what's going on because it's lame, and pathetic, and not at all what I expect of myself. Where's the warrior?

I think part of what's happening, though this may be a convenient excuse, is that thanks to many things in my life, not the least of which is intenSati, I'm softening into the truth of my mushy nature. I stop and smell the roses. I taste the sauce. I linger over pages. It takes me years to finish books sometimes because I get caught up in the beauty of a sentence. I cry. I regularly feel ecstasy and misery. I'm sentimental and romantic. I break for babies and puppies. I could stand still for an hour in the rain just taking in the experience. I meander.

But all those lovely qualities don't help you keep a job and, you know, function; so I've cultivated dogmatism as a tool to keep myself moving along on a path towards any particular goal. It works! But it also necessarily requires me to shut down my sensing side which would surely provide distractions. Dogmatism is a set of heavy blinders.

Now that I'm letting the light in again, though, as part of my whole finding and accepting myself for who I am journey, anything that's been motivated by my dogmatic side is in jeopardy - because I might just loosen my reigns. Running. Big time threat looming. I need to make it more fun, less of a drag, more social, and more of a positive experience psychically. I need guidance in this area because I haven't been coming up with the answers myself. I can seek this out.

I've just decided it's more important to me to live genuinely than it is to prove I can do what I said I was going to do. I genuinely love many things about running. I love that just because I have the outfit on and I'm circling the Park in a particular lane, it's OK for me to spit! I love sweating every drop of moisture out of my body and then filling it up again with clean water. I love getting tan while running. I love how good it feels to stand tall in my running shoes. I love running in the dark. I love watching myself run in the mirror and realizing I look good. Maybe I'll love more about running as I begin to drop the "Just do it!" and adopt a meandering approach. Or maybe I won't. I feel better already though just for having said it like it is.