Halfway Mark: 6 Months to Go!

Today marks 6 months that I've been at it. I've accomplished a lot. I've gone from not being able to run 100 feet, to completing my first Half Marathon. My longest run was 15 miles. My fastest run was under 10:00 per mile. I've lost 12 pounds. I've changed clothing sizes and bought my first belt! I've improved my posture, my sleep, my digestion and my mood. I've gotten to know Central Park and my skin isn't ghostly white all the time because I'm out in the sun every weekend.

I've learned a ton about my body by reading, talking to other runners about their experiences, and by just noticing how things feel. I've seen new doctors, and been responsible about taking something this extreme on. I've considered the experience thoroughly, not missing a moment. I'm completely committed to following through with my plan, even though I let myself experience doubts frequently!

I find that running is a place where I can leverage my greatest strengths. Most prominently, my tendency to be relentless. If I weren't so driving, egotistical, and hard nosed, I'd have given up on day 2! But I can't give up. I said I was going to do this, and I'm doing it. Success is my only option. That's how I am. Stubborn Capricorn.

Running is also a place where I've had the opportunity to experience my own deep compassion. I've always been hyper compassionate towards others, coddling, making excuses, compensating, and justifying. But to myself, I was sort of a bitch, throwing insults and punishing whenever expectations weren't met. But running broke me because how in the world could I run 8 sloppy miles and be mad at myself. I mean, 8 miles! That's impressive! I don't care what my expectations might have been... 8 miles gets a frickin' gold star. Good girl.

I'm so much more in touch with what makes me happy since I started running. I've let myself get interested in new people; and I've become more interesting to old friends, too. It's amazing how my relationships have deepened with quite literally everyone. Well, they've deepened, or dropped off... Not that I've formally dismissed anyone; but some people seem to have just deselected themselves. They aren't interested in being with happy Michelle. OK. Maybe later.

Along the way I also gave up my cat Sukie, whom I adopted 6 years ago from a rescue. When I got Sukie, I'd really wanted a dog, but felt I wasn't home enough for one. I'd never had a cat, so I didn't know ...a cat is not a dog. Whoa, big learnings! I held on to Sukie for all these years though, because I felt I'd made a commitment to her, to care for her, and keep her safe and happy. I felt scared that if I admitted I didn't really love her, that would mean I was going to be a bad mother one day. But then it hit me, a cat is not a child, just the way a cat is not a dog. Neither the cat nor I were as happy as we could (and should) be. Life's short. You've got to go for it now.

I found Sukie a new home with an 89 year old woman named Hilda who loves cats and had just lost hers. Hilda pets Sukie all day and night, plays with her, and feeds her salmon! Hilda lives in a studio and Sukie has the run of the place, and Hilda lets her hide in the closets. I visit them both and bring presents. Everybody is happy and I am free of guilt and everything else. There is space in my home for something new. I'm not burdened. I'm not living with regret. I'm living honestly and without baggage.

So, what's next? I'm shocked by how exhausted I feel this week - how much having run that Half Marathon took out of me emotionally. I didn't realize I'd need a break - that I wouldn't want to run, or write, after it. I am totally shocked! I thought I'd be diving into Marathon training now, bolstered by my results and the Half, and pumped to improve my time at the Brooklyn Half in May; but it's the opposite. I feel smothered, cornered, resentful that I've said I would do more when the Half feels like accomplishment enough. I haven't run in 5 days and I don't want to run tomorrow. So, I should have planned a "vacation" and I didn't; but in the spirit of compassion, I took what I needed anyway.

Now, I'm terrified of the second leg of my journey. Preparing for the Marathon? This is going to be hard. The stakes are so high! The pressure is on to stick to the schedule, improve my speed, and stay injury free so I don't lose any weeks. The time commitment is going to be even greater, too. I don't want to give up blogging, or sleep, or seeing friends. I just don't see yet how I'm going to do it all. But if you'd asked me 6 months ago how I'd fit everything I do now in I would have said the same thing - I don't know; so I must have faith it will all work out.

The studying I'm going to need to do now is also much more important. 7 people died at the NYC Marathon last year!!! You never hear about that kind of thing... But this is serious. Running anything over 18 miles is damaging to the body. You can't mess around, especially training in the summer, with stuff like sodium and electrolytes. I mean just think, 6 months ago I seriously thought the notion of electrolytes was marketing B.S.! Now, I'm like, "All hail the banana!"

So, with respect for what I've accomplished, and a bit of fear in my heart - I step one foot in front of the next and enter the second half of this adventure. I wish I were more excited and less scared and tired. I wish I knew why I was doing all this other than sheer determination to do what I said I would do. I guess we shall see... Thank you for following along with me.