Day 181: Skipping

In 181 days I haven't skipped a day of blogging about running. Not once. But today (rather yesterday - because it's already 1:20 AM) I am skipping. This all sort of falls under the "burned out" umbrella I talked about yesterday. I just need a little vacation from it all. In retrospect, I wish I'd scheduled a whole week off from running and blogging. Enough time away that I'd miss it, and really appreciate coming back to it. But as things stand, I'm still pretty tired, and reluctant to make the sacrifices I need to sustain the balance and effort I put in for 6 solid months; so today - was another day off.

See you tomorrow.

Day 180: I *Heart* Drek

There are different philosophies on how to recover from a big race. At the Expo I heard you’re supposed to rest one day for every mile you’ve run. That doesn’t mean no running at all, just that you shouldn’t go fast, or stay out there too long. My Marathon training schedule doesn’t “know” that I’ve just run a Half so I was up and running and cross training right away, with a long run scheduled for this weekend. I was scheduled to run 4 miles today.

Well, I’m tired. I don’t want to run today. I’m not ready. I’m physically ready, but emotionally, I need a break. I just want to watch some TV or something! I don’t even want to blog, sorry to say… I miss my life before all this. I miss cooking, and sleeping, and talking about drek. I mean, I don’t miss them a lot! Just a little. All I need is one night to reminisce… And I’m going to take it.

Right now I’m catching up on Crate & Barrel catalogues. Yeah, that’s how I roll over here when I’m living large. I made my own dinner too - healthy fried brown rice with shrimp and veggies. Not a single sip of protein shake, or power bar. I’m not doing any laundry, or downloading new tunes, syncing my Nike+, filling a water bottle, snacking on Sport Beans, or planning a route. I’m just being a regular person tonight. A runner on a break. And I’m not spending any more than 5 minutes on this entry, either! All of it – I want a day off from all of it!

Tomorrow, I’ll make my 4 miles up in the Park. It’s been a long time since I ran outdoors in the morning before work. It’ll be good for me to shake my routine up and get a high-energy start to Friday. I’m excited just thinking about it! Ahh… back to the beautiful side of running, the anticipation, the challenge… I’m definitely looking forward to tomorrow... but right now? Pass me that “US Weekly,” will ya?

Day 179: Abundance

Tonight was the last night of my intenSati workshop. I knocked myself out during the workout hour and felt totally connected with all the affirmations. I noticed how much stronger I’ve become, and that was exciting. I’m pushing really hard right now to strengthen my body and sharpen my mind, to be awake to myself, and my power. What’s my motivation? Abundance.

The great lessons of intenSati are many, but if I had to boil it down to four key messages, they are 1) to be in touch with your desires, 2) to trust you will receive what you need, 3) to be available “right now” for what you want, and 4) to be open to getting an abundant amount of whatever you want.

It’s interesting stuff because what you realize the minute you’re asked, “Are you available?” is that you aren’t. It’s nearly impossible the first time you hear the question to yell back, “Yes! I am available!” We’re taught (especially women) from an early age that we should never seem available. Not good to look like you are free; someone opportunistic might take advantage. Then there’s also the matter of life's just being incredibly hectic, and the practicality of really needing sometimes to shut newness out as a means of controlling demands and preventing overload. Telegraphing "available" in NYC means literally having opportunities come at you from every taxi driver, cashier and random person in any elevator. Think I'm kidding? I am not.

But being unavailable, the alternative, is death. Sure, you protect yourself from some potential dangers, but you are also closed off to any new possibilities that might arise. Things stay firmly the same. It's a struggle to move ahead in any area. We end up feeling trapped and can't get a grasp on why… (You know what I mean.)

But, if you’re available, that means you're open to letting new things naturally flow in. All you have to do then is stay in touch with your desires, so you can use them as a gauge by which to measure newness and decide what you want to keep, and what you want to toss back. With trust, if there's nothing good coming along for a while, you don't have to be afraid: something amazing is coming your way soon enough; it's coming... so don't stress out and grab at rotten fish! And on the flip side, with trust, you also have the courage to take on something amazing that comes your way that looks different from what you expected; in time, you will figure how how to handle so many opportunities and so much love.

When you get all this down, and practice it for a while, you might start to notice a new kind of joy, and contentment, and confidence building inside you. You might start to wonder, like I do now, is there a quota on good? Is the other shoe going to drop? Or rather, when is the other shoe going to drop?

Well, what if, once you got into a routine with all these new ways of being, the other shoe just simply stopped dropping? What if, when you are truly in touch with what you desire, and trust it's coming to you, and make yourself available, goodness just piles up in towers?

Well that’s what we call abundance. And, if I had to say what the hardest lesson I've had to learn since starting intenSati was, it would be figuring out how to cope with the kind of abundance I've been experiencing. I just made one simple little shift in availability in my life back in November 2009 – I decided to experience running, whatever that was going to actually be like – and from that single open door has flowed more abundance than I could ever have conceived. And now, I don't quite know what to do with it! But I do realize, there could be worse problems than watching your dreams begin to materialize. And I trust, in time, that I will figure out how to handle it all because abundance is my destiny.

Day 178: Fortune Cookies

Today was the 1st day of my 28-week Marathon training program. I was scheduled to run 3 miles but only managed 2 before work because I was rushing to catch a train to Philadelphia. I’m not going to beat myself up about it. It isn’t a harbinger of sloppiness to come. It was just a shorter run than planned and I’ll make it up later in the week.

I went to Philly for focus groups and our sessions ran through dinner, so we ordered Chinese in before heading back to New York. The delivery came with a pile of fortune cookies. I’m a little bit weird this way, but I believe G-d whispers to me through fortune cookies. I know… quirky. I’m a freak. I never said I wasn’t!

I paused over the bowl, picked, and then moved to an unoccupied spot in the anteroom of the focus group facility to take my message in. I like to be alone, or at least quiet, when I read the word of G-d. I wondered what kind of directive I would be receiving. Would it be about work, romance, writing, or maybe running…? I hoped about writing or running.

I cracked my cookie open and read, “If you can’t excel with talent, triumph with effort.”

And there you have it. Do not worry, Michelle, about becoming the best runner or writer there could be. Just show up every day and work hard. Keep going. Be humble. Don’t be a baby or expect success. Expect hard work. The sincerity of your effort will be the measure of your triumph. Thank you Suzie’s Happy Village of Bala Cynwyd, PA.

Day 177: Bookmark Between Chapters

I am exhausted, stiff and starving today; but I don’t feel let down. That’s a big shift for me because in the past, whenever I’ve finished an intense project, I’ve dropped into a bit of a depression almost immediately after… washed over with feelings of emptiness and purposelessness. You know, now what do I do? I put all that work in, for so long, and what have I got to show for it? Was it worth it? What will I do next?

But running feels worth it… A day after having finished my first Half Marathon, all of the training hours I logged haven’t just disappeared. They are still mine, and they now become the foundation for my next goal… I have a 10K coming up, and then another Half Marathon scheduled… and of course, the mother of all goals, the 2010 NYC Marathon, which I haven’t got a number for yet – but I’m working on that. You see, there’s a layering going on here that rolls out ahead of me, with one race building to the next, distance and speed climbing gradually, and naturally, with continued effort; and this progress could carry on indefinitely, if I want it to.

And why wouldn’t I want it to? I get to be outdoors when I run – and I love being outdoors; this sport lets me be independent and compete with myself – but it’s also surprisingly social – and attracts the kind of people I enjoy and respect; and compared to other activities, running is delightfully cheap. That’s a winning formula, if you ask me!

So, I’ve got a 10K race coming up next, but believe it or not, tomorrow will kick off the first day of my training program for the NYC Marathon, which is exactly 194 days away! I’m using a 28-week progressive schedule recommended by Nike. I may follow that for 13 weeks and then switch to one of the other 15-week programs I’ve reviewed and thought seemed to have merit. There are many to choose from. I happen to especially like the NYRR 15-week program because it comes with fun tracking tools that include pie charts and bar graphs outlining one’s progress. I’m a sucker for a visual metaphor… But we shall see how the Nike program goes; if I’m comfortable with it, I may just stick with that from start to finish.

So today has been a day of rest, a bookmark between chapters, a moment to pause and appreciate all that went into accomplishing a big goal now completed. But, today is also a day of preparation for a new beginning tomorrow – when it will be “day one” all over again – the first formal, tracked day of my training for the NYC Marathon!

Half Marathon: Torrential Success (2:38:36/12:06 Pace)

I rocked it today at my first Half Marathon! It was magic. The conditions at the race were abysmal (47 degrees, heavy rain and wind – out of 10,000 signed up for the race, only 60% showed) but I found the source of my power out there in the elements.

From the minute I crossed the start line I was zoned in and focused. It was as if I were the coxswain, perched slightly above myself, watching the pacing and making directional adjustments as needed. How’s my breathing? How’s my posture? How’s my stride? Can we go faster? Then let’s go faster... Good girl. Do not stop. It’s worse when you stop. Are you really that cold? I didn’t think so. (It was so cold I literally wore a white plastic garbage bag over me for ¾ of the race!) You know what you are doing. Get into the motion. Enjoy the music… Do not stop. Keep your eyes down and look at those glistening puddles shining up at you from tar worlds below. Pretty, no? This is your Park. I said, do not stop. Go!

I was compassionate, smart and determined, and then when it got tough, I was unrelenting. In the end, I beat my targeted time by over 4 minutes (targeted 2:43:00/12:27 pace) and finished strong.

I’ve been waiting nearly 6 months to be able to tell you I understand why people love to run. Today’s the day. My moment’s right now; because I have become one of them. I loved running that race today. I love to run... and I don't ever want to stop. There's so much ahead to learn and see and do. And here I am, at a total loss for words to describe why. It’s just not what I expected. It’s better. And I sort of understand now why nobody has been able to explain it to me. It’s kind of unexplainable.

I do want to say a few thank yous. I had a big group of supporters who saw me through the race today. First the friends who braved the elements even though I told them not to! Sarah H. met me at 7:30 AM in the pouring rain and freezing cold to send me off, and then waited along the finish line to watch me cross. Jolynn and Rob stood on East 86th Street, and Jill on West 86th Street, to cheer me on, and then also met me at the finish. And finally, Amy and Alex came to watch me finish; and all seven of us went out for brunch afterwards to the official post-race hangout... Le Pain Quotidien.

Thanks to Jaime for her nutrition advice that has taught me a new way to fuel – both in training and on race day. She's turning my thinking up side down. I owe my 4+ minute gain to Jaime because I ran today on literally 2 hours of sleep, with a head cold; but my energy was never higher! Radical.

Then there were all the calls and texts and IMs and emails before and after… from my other friends, my colleagues, members of my intenSati Creativity Workshop, all excited for me and believing in me. Even my mother, who never remembers anything at all ever about my life, called in the afternoon to see how it had gone.

If I weren’t so tired right now, I might actually be embarrassed by all the attention! But I am ridiculously tired. I went to try to write this at 3pm today and ended up falling asleep for two hours snuggled into the warmth of my laptop! Right now, I can barely keep my eyes open. I’m going to sign off for now, content about the race, and excited to have found an elusive seat at the table...

Photo Credit: Rob Jaekel "Michelle running in a plastic trash bag, at East 86th Street, at approximately mile 8."

Day 175: T-Minus One Day

Have you ever tried to eat 120 g of carbohydrate in one sitting? Nearly impossible! That's what my nutritionist instructed I ingest for breakfast, along with 20 g of protein, and less than 30 g of fat. Now, I know I'm a bit of a protein whore, and who doesn't like a little fat, but 120 g of carbs? What to do!?

I sat down and started to try to sort out some combinations. I ran through Post-it after Post-it note, surprised every time by the math. I thought an egg would be nice, or two; but that shot me up way too high on the protein scale and did nothing for me in terms of carbs. Scrap the eggs. And definitely scrap the soy cheese I was going to put on them. Bagels would be high carb... I looked them up on line. Only problem, I didn't have any bagels and wasn't so interested in leaving the house. (I've got a wicked head cold and congestion that just won't go.) What else could I find around the house?

There was a can of fat free vegetarian refried beans - yum - and a few whole wheat pitas I could spread the beans on. Delicious! But a half a cup of beans only went so far... There was a damn pita left. I added a tablespoon of peanut butter... and that tapped out my protein allotment for the morning and I was still painfully short on carbs. I added two tablespoons of jam. I have a suspicion that wasn't the kind of carbs I was supposed to be eating but really, what the heck! I've never felt so force fed in my life! When all was said and done, I was still short 20 g of carbs so I told myself I'd find a sports drink someplace, but I never did.

Then I went down to the big pre-race Expo. I've never been to one, so I wasn't sure what to expect. It was held at the Roseland Ballroom. Every time I go there I think of the first time I went in HS to see a Nine Inch Nails concert. Trent Reznor had pulled me up on stage from the pit, and then he sang "Head Like a Hole" to me while I sat there on my knees in front of the entire theatre; and then spit coffee on me. Really, a highlight of my teen years! Says a lot, doesn't it!

Later, after college, I was living in LA and met Trent at a party in the Hills. I didn't recognize him with his unassuming broad rimmed Amish-style hat but I'd been told in advance who he was. Since we had nothing else to say to each other, I filled the void by telling him about the spitting incident. Clever of me! When I was done, we just stared at each other and I remember thinking he looked so small and sort of sad, not the dominating rock star who had dazzled me at 17. "Sorry," he finally said and I said back, "It's OK," and then we both looked out across the grid of streetlights below, quietly taking sips from our red Solo cups filled with Sprite.

Anyway, today, Roseland was transformed into a "girl power" emporium for the Expo! I picked up my race number, and my goodie bag filled with samples of panty liners, deodorant, and teeth whitener, and perused the booths. I bought a few last minute things, but nothing major.

There was a talk being given then by a panel of running stars, and as I sat down to listen, I realized it was being moderated by my very own Gordon Bakoulis! The panel was interesting and I got a ton of tips about stretching before the race, how to handle fear and sleeplessness, what pain medicine to take (Tylenol - NOT Advil - for 24 hours before a race), and anecdotes that made me feel part of an amazing community. One surprising thing I heard was the women's answer to the question, what's the most important thing you need as a woman who runs. The answer from everyone, with a bit of a giggle, was, "A good husband!" Making running part of your life in an ongoing, serious way - not just as a competitive runner, but even as a novice - really requires serious support. If you're going to have a family, you just can't do it if everyone in the house doesn't think your running is a priority. That came across loud and clear.

After the talk was over, I waited in line to say hello to Gordon and thank her for the training schedule she'd made, and I'd followed. I was thrilled when I first introduced myself and she said, "Of course! I'm following your blog on facebook!" So exciting!

So, tonight I'm doing laundry (I feel like I'm always doing laundry...) and organizing my things for tomorrow. I'll be getting up at 5 AM to take my synthroid, then eating at 5:30 AM, then leaving the house at 7:20 AM to get to the Park for the race's 8AM start. Sarah Hine is meeting me at the start of the race to pump me up and tell me it's gonna be OK! Then Jolynn, Rob and Jill are all going to be staked out along the route to cheer me on. It's possibly going to be raining, and cold, so I guess we'll see how it goes tomorrow but just knowing my friends want to be there means everything to me. I might not have a good husband, but I've got the best friends anyone could ask for. It does take a village and don't let anyone tell you it doesn't. I only wish I could get my villagers to help me with my laundry too but that might be asking too much...